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Kids?!?! You Just Raise Them!!!
By Stephanie Bachmann Mattei Ph.D.
 

For some of us, parenting education may seem an extravaganza. Our parents did not take parenting classes, nor did they read books about parenting. And we turned out okay, didn't we? So, why bother?
Keep reading this article below >>

 
 
The No-Fault Zone Parenting Webinar
With Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle-Hosdon
In 2013, Would You Like To...
  • Resolve long standing family disputes?
  • Create more ease, trust, and cooperation with your children?
  • Have additional skills and tools to bully-proof your home?
  • Feel more confident about your parenting skills?
  • Enjoy your kids more of the time?
  • Keep reading this article below >>
     
     
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    NVC Academy Theme of the Month

     
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    Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. talks about the keys to prevent all forms of conflict and violence in this 10-minute video.
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    The No-Fault Zone Parenting Webinar
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    NVC Quote of the Month

    "Children need far more than basic skills in reading, writing, and math, as important as those might be.

    Children also need to learn how to think for themselves, how to find meaning in what they learn, and how to work and live together.

    Children need to learn throughout their lives to relate well to others and themselves and to be creative, flexible, and venturesome."

     
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    Kids?!?! You Just Raise Them... continued

    We live in an ever more rapidly changing world. First of all, our life style has changed dramatically, and as child-rearing environments change, so do parenting approaches. In the 1950s, society and therefore parents, placed high value on obedience (a parent-centered approach based on the father as the absolute authority, holding total control, handing down non-negotiable morals and rules - "Thou shalt not", "Don't you dare" - in a closed and structured environment).

    In the 1990s society started valuing more and more independent thinking (i.e. self-direction and self-responsibility). Nowadays, our children need to be taught how to think rather than what to think, because society does not expect blind obedience to authority figures but values thoughtful and meaningful contributions. And we now know that raising a child with attunement and empathy offers a solid foundation for the emotional health and the development of emotional intelligence in human beings.

    What Child Development Studies Show

    Today we also have a lot of studies and research on child development available compared to 50 years ago. In addition to that, astounding scientific information about brain development has emerged in the last 20 years.

    For instance, studies have proven that the "spoiling theory" (dated in the 1920s) is actually detrimental to the healthy development of children's brain. We now have lots of scientific evidence that when a baby cries he/she is communicating a need (for nourishment, warmth, comfort, connection, safety, etc.) and is not trying to control us. By responding to those needs with loving presence, the baby's brain develops circuitries that will foster trust in relationships.

    Research shows that parents' and even pediatricians' fear-of-manipulation mind-set did not understand how babies develop, their brain capabilities (and self-soothing is not one of them!), how they communicate, and that a baby's cry is actually a remarkable survival skill.

    Western society family structure has also changed: the support of the extended family is almost non-existent in our North American mobile society. Our next of kin may live hundreds/thousands miles away. Divorce, single parenthood, mothers working outside the home, blended families are all challenging situations we face in our time. We need constructive tools to respond to those exceedingly stressful situations. 

    Discipline problems were also very dissimilar 50 years ago compared to the ones we face today. Drugs, alcohol, teen pregnancies, HIV, life-threatening violence, destructive role models, and suicide were not dealings our parents had to dread, at least not to the extent we do nowadays.

    In other words, being a parent presents different complexities today than it did 50 years ago. If we take seriously our responsibility to empower our children to lead self-fulfilling lives, make constructive decisions, experience life-giving relationships and solve conflicts peacefully, we need to develop different skills than our parents had and passed down to us. 

    How NVC Fits In

    Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers remarkable tools to support parents to learn skills to be mindfully present to themselves and their inner life as well as to the life of their children. 

    In NVC we aim at establishing a quality of relationship based on trust and connection, necessary ingredients to *meet* (befriend not necessarily fulfill) everyone's needs. The focus is on connection, compassion and authenticity.

    We aim at sharing power, defined as "power with" not "power over," (i.e. taking unilateral decisions in areas that will affect our children and where they could actually be included in the decision making process) nor "power under," (i.e. giving in and/or giving up.) And we aim at tapping into the joy of giving from the heart or co-operation (i.e. "operate together"), rather than forcing actions and behaviors out of a sense of duty or obligation, fear or shame.

    So much research now points to the fact that the latter comes to a huge emotional price where the child is actually left with two options: rebellion or submission. In both cases, a loss of personal connection with one's own intrinsic motivational needs takes place as well as a loss of inter-personal connection with the parents, shifting the relationship from cooperative to oppositional.

    NVC has supported me and my own family in creating a family life we love and truly cherish. Learning and integrating NVC have helped me:

    • Understand my children's and my own needs.
    • Experience connection, compassion, and trust.
    • Bring healing to my heart.
    • Take full responsibility for my life without losing self-respect and spiraling down into shame, guilt or blame. 
    • Support brain integration (not just behavioral change) in my life and in my children's lives.
    • Model as consistently as I can the behavior I value. 
    • Live as much as possible in line with my values.
    • Hold myself with compassion when I behave in ways that are not in line with my values.
    • Heal from rifts and breaks in trust and attend to the interpersonal repair work.
    • Understand and befriend intense emotions such as anger, guilt, and shame.
    • Cherish each other, and celebrate our life together.

    This is not to say that we need to reject all that our parents believed and did. We do not need to through the baby out with the bath water, so to speak. A capacity to persistently hold on to that which is life-enriching is indispensable. And we do need the wisdom to discern what we need to hold on to, and what we need to change, recognizing that our parents did what they thought was best to do, given the information they had available at the time, and the social conditions and personal situations of their lives... which, by the way, is exactly what we are doing today: doing the best we can given the inner and outer resources available to us in the moment.

    Surely, we can continue telling ourselves that "this is the way it has always been done" or reject the challenge to learn new parenting skills by reassuring ourselves that, "If it was good enough for me, it's good enough for my children. They will turn out okay." 

    Our Response Ability as Parents

    Do we believe that our children are here with a purpose, and that their lives are filled with intrinsic meaning? If so, our response-ability as parents is to help them unfold their unique qualities and develop their talents in order for them to fulfill their potential and contribute to life. Turning out okay may not fully capture the deepest longing of our heart. 

    We may have recognized along the way that many traditional parenting tools hinder the highest inner development of our children: An example? The "3P" punishment, praise, and privileges (rewards) make our children outer-directed people-pleasers who depend on others' approval rather than relaxing into a strong trust in themselves and in their abilities to choose what is meaningful to them and to live in line with their own values. 

    Fear of punishment and shame inducing practices also do not support overall brain integration, and in particular the development of the brain circuitry that allows for self-regulation, i.e. the regulatory system which is responsible for emotional modulation and behavioral self-control allowing for social interaction. 

    Attuned, empathic parenting, on the other hand, fosters the development of regulatory ability which correlates to the ability to sooth one's high and low emotional and behavioral reactions. 

    Parenting is the toughest, yet the most meaningful "job" we'll ever have in our lives. Parenting education can help us grow as human beings, empower us as parents and also support us in uncovering not so healthy patterns of interaction, and replace them with practices and tools that foster a wholesome and balanced development in our children.

    But most importantly, parenting education and information can shed some light on our core intentions and values around how to raise our children and hold ourselves with compassion in the process. it takes commitment and courage to accept the challenge, and take a good look at ourselves and the behaviors we have that do not integrate the long-term vision for our family life with the short-term needs we may be trying to satisfy in the moment. It is daring to be open to growth. Change is inconvenient, hard work, and scary. A capacity to change is indispensable, and it is a major opportunity for our personal growth. 

    A Committing to Constant Growth

    By patiently committing to constant growth we give our children a very important message: they matter to us. And hopefully, out of this deep connection and trust with their parents, our children will envision a world where everyone's needs truly matter. They will learn that relationships can be based on trust, mutual care and a sense of partnership where power is shared because the interdependent quality of interpersonal life is recognized and experienced on a daily basis. Our children will grow having the skills for self-reflection and self-regulation, being able to understand, express and meet their needs, to empathize with others and trust that they're heard, known, and loved unconditionally.

    In closing, I would like to pass on a challenge I received from Dr. Daniel Siegel, M.D.: think of the generational impact your parenting choices will have: imagine your child holding his/her child, and realize the power of what you are passing on.

     

    The Parenting Matters Teleconference

    I cordially invite you to join me at The Parenting Matters Teleconference sponsored by the NVC Academy and me. Dr. Daniel Siegel will be our key note speaker sharing about the latest cutting-edge information on brain science and parenting. The upcoming virtual conference is packed with world renown parenting speakers who will offer us practical tips for parenting from our heart even when under duress.

    For more information and to register please visit:
    The Parenting Matters Teleconference

     

    Stephanie Bachmann Mattei, Ph.D. is the mother of three self-educated children (biological and adopted). Stephanie is a certified trainer with the Center for Nonviolent Communication is passionate to share her understanding of NVC as a process to empower oneself and others to celebrate the humanity in one's own being, and to encounter the humanity in the other person. Parenting is Stephanie's niche. Stephanie loves tying NVC with mindfulness-based neuroscience to support self-understanding, healing and wholeness. For more information please visit TheSanctuary4Parents.org

     

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    Parenting Teleconference
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    Relax and experience a more playful and wise parenting style and create a home with
    more smiles.

    Register for this virtual conference packed with world renown parenting speakers and receive the latest cutting-edge information on what brain science has to offer on parenting and healthy brain development in children, and practical tips for parenting from your heart even when feeling stress.

    Starts Thursday, January 24, 2013

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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    The No-Fault Zone Parenting Webinar... continued
    Jan 12, 2013 ~ 1:30 PM Pacific Time, USA

    In this season of giving, we're excited to offer a special gift for you and your family, one you can unpack together throughout the coming year to increase your connection, joy, and peace at home.

    A Breakthrough Relationship Tool
    for Your Family!

    As many of you know, we have a passion for supporting parents and families to have more respectful communication, cooperation, ease and joy. For the last 30 years, we've been coaching parents, working in schools, leading parenting workshops, writing parenting articles, and authoring our books, Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, The Compassionate Classroom, and The No-Fault Classroom.

    Four years ago, we crafted a set of materials that support heart-connected conversations, creative problem solving and effective conflict resolution in families, in schools, and everywhere people want better communication. We named it The No-Fault® Zone Game because it's fun and easy to play for all ages.

    We've been thrilled to see how parents and kids are using it at home to quickly get the connection and joyful cooperation they want.

    Not only are parents enjoying better communication with their kids, their kids are able to communicate better with each other! On their own their kids are now able to:

    • Stop arguing and fighting
    • Say what they want rather than scream or pout
    • Solve their own conflicts and problems

    Don't Just Take Our Word For It!

    We know how much it means to parents, kids, families, because they tell us how relieved, happy and grateful they are to have such a tool...

    Parents all over the world write to us about how the Game helps them shift from power over to power with parenting and how it's supporting their families in practical ways every day.

    Jim Thompson, a therapist in Vancouver, B.C. wrote to share how the Game enriched communication with his 11-year old son:

    "Using The Game, my son enjoyed being heard and understood. Once we clarified how autonomy, play, and
    choice were important to him, and how respect and
    cooperation were important to me we had a really
    wonderful evening together."

    Other parents report:

    • When I'm tempted to criticize, blame, and punish my kids I now step back and let them work it out for themselves.
    • I'm amazed that even my three year old “speaks” clearly about feelings and needs.
    • The minute I get the Game out I feel calmer… and it helps me stay calm.
    • I love how quickly we can get to the bottom of arguments.
    • In one glance I can clearly see everyone's point of view.
    • I'm so happy not to be saying things to my kids that I
      later regret.
    • I'm excited that problems and conflicts actually
      get solved.

    And still other parents have told us remarkable things like these:

    • My child asked me how I was feeling! That's never happened before.
    • I heard my oldest son tell his little brother what he needed and asked for what he wanted rather than
      yelling at him.
    • Using The Game with my kids is affecting the way I listen to my husband. It's easier to get where he's coming
      from, too.

    If you would like to experience breakthrough results like these, then please believe us when we say that you too can turn your home into a No-Fault Zone by taking advantage of this special offer!

    The No-Fault Zone Game also Works Outside the Home!

    An added bonus of playing the Game is that the communication skills kids learn transfer directly to the classroom. Your kids will gain:

    • The experience and the words to express what's going on in them.
    • The ability to listen to others and respond with understanding.
    • Skills that reduce the likelihood that your kids will bully others or be bullied by others.
    • Skills that boost their social and emotional IQ!

    You can Play the Game in as Many Ways as there are Problems You Need to Solve!

    • To calm you down: Play it like solitaire to help you clarify your own feelings and needs about a situation before you talk with your kids.
    • To calm others down: Use it to give everyone a chance to be heard.
    • To appreciate differences: Use it in two, threes, fours, and more to identify and appreciate differences among family members.
    • To resolve things peacefully: Use it to solve problems in ways that find solutions that work for everyone.

    Jan 12, 2013 ~ 1:30 PM Pacific Time, USA - Register Now

    A SPECIAL OFFER

    The No-Fault Zone Parenting Webinar Package

    We are committed to getting The No-Fault Zone Game into the hands of as many parents as possible. That's why we're making this special offer so you too can experience the same wonderful benefits in your family that so many parents report to us.

    We want to make sure that you have everything you need to put these powerful principles into action in your life, so we've designed this special package to give you the understandings and skills you need to Create a No-Fault Zone In Your Home!

    The Package includes:

    A 90-Minute Webinar with Sura Hart & Victoria Kindle Hodson.

    In this Live Webinar, we will share with you our favorite, quick, and practical parenting practices we've gleaned from our collective 60 years of parenting, coaching parents, creating programs for schools, and authoring three books on parenting and education.

    Best of all, these exercises are ones you can use any day and any time to be at your parenting best. You'll learn to:

    • DE-STRESS instantly.
    • BOOST Your Resilience.
    • Live up to your highest intention for being with your kids.

    In This Webinar we' will walk you through the 3 EASY, Power-Sharing ways to play The No-Fault Zone Game:

    • The Self-Empathy Game: helps you clarify what you're feeling and what's most important to you, in any situation. Give yourself the gift of Understanding, Self-Connection, and Self-Acceptance
    • The Empathy Game:  helps you tune in to what your child or your partner feels and needs, in any situation.
    • Cooperative Problem Solving Game: We'll also show you how to play with your children or your partner, to see what's important to them as well as what's important to you in any situation. Follow the simple steps in this game to find solutions that work for everyone.

    PLUS! We'll reserve the last 20 minutes for Q & A, so that you can ask any important questions that didn't get answered during the Game Walk-Through.

    Access to a Video of the Webinar

    We'll be covering a lot of information during the course of the webinar, and we want to make sure that you're able to get the full benefit of it. So, as part of the package you'll receive access to the video of the webinar, including the question-and-answer period, so you can review this information as often as you'd like.

    A Copy of the Book Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids by Sura & Victoria

    This complete handbook offers parents 7 Keys that open the doors to mutual respect and joyful cooperation.

    Webinar BONUS: A Free copy of the No-Fault Zone Game!

    As an extra bonus, with the purchase of your package, you'll also receive free, post-paid copy of the No-Fault Zone Game. This, alone, is over a $40 retail value.

    The Game Includes:

    • 2 No-Fault Zone Game Mats
    • 2 Card Decks
    • 2 Game Tokens
    • 1 Instruction Booklet
    • 1 Tote Bag

    The No-Fault Zone Parenting Webinar Package is only $89 and includes:

    The 90-minute Webinar with a 20 minute Q & A Session where we will address your most important concerns. (A $150 value.) The Webinar is scheduled for Saturday, January 12th from 1:30-3:00 PM PST.

    Access to the Webinar Video so you can review this information as often as you'd like. (A $65 value.)

    Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson. The 7 Keys you need to unlock mutual respect and nurturing relationships with your kids. (A $17.95 value.)

    AND

    Webinar Bonus: The No-Fault Zone Game that will give you the tools you need to successfully solve problems and resolve conflicts with your kids. (A $40 value.)

    This package is worth over $270 but is available now as a one-time offer for only $89. There are a limited number of seats for the webinar so make sure you sign up for yours right away.

    What If You Can't Attend the Live Webinar?

    If you're not able to participate in the live 90-minute Webinar, you can still receive the full value of the webinar presentation by accessing the Webinar Video, including the Q&A Session, and still receive the No-Fault Zone Game and the Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids book all for just $69. (Over a $125 value.)

     

    Please Join Us
    We hope you'll take advantage of this special opportunity; we'd love to have you join us on the webinar!

    Sura & Victoria

    Register Now for the No-Fault Zone
    Parenting Webinar Package

    Join Us for the Webinar

    • Purchase the Whole Package: Attend the Webinar, and Receive the Webinar Recording, the No-Fault Zone Game, and the Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids book for only $89.
      Includes free Shipping in the USA.

    If You Can't Join Us for the Webinar

    • Purchase the Limited Package: Receive the Webinar Recording, the No-Fault Zone Game, and the Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids book for only $69. Includes free Shipping in the USA.

     

    P.S.
    If you already have a No-Fault Zone Game or a copy of the Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids book, you can re-gift these Webinar materials to your family or friends so they too can begin to create the family life of their dreams.

     

     

    Jan 12, 2013 ~ 1:30 PM
    Pacific Time, USA
    Register Now

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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