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In Love All Over Again!
By Peggy Smith

Reprinted by permission of the author from the Maine NVC Network website

 

Why is it that after 10 years of study and practice I still find myself passionately in love with NVC? Yes, I have more inner harmony. Yes, I have strategies to connect with people who I disagree with (when I remember). And still life is sometimes very hard.
Keep reading this article below >>

 
 
News & Info from Around the NVC Network
  • Free Business Webinar - The Compassionate "We"
  • Family HEART Camp
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NVC Academy Theme of the Month

 
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Inspiration
 
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. talks about the keys to prevent all forms of conflict and violence in this 10-minute video.
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FREE: Nexus Author's Sandbox Webinar -- The Compassionate "We:" The Empathy Factor in Organizations
with Marie Miyashiro
Date: Wednesday June 5th 2013
Time: 12:00pm - 1:00pm EST
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NVC Quote of the Month

The number one reason that we don't get our
needs met is that we don't express them. We express judgments instead.

If we do express our
needs, the number two reasons we don't our needs met is that we don't make clear requests."
- Marshall Rosenberg

 
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In Love All Over Again!... continued

People don’t make sense to me. My old inner terrors still make themselves known from time to time. Inspiration to "keep on keepin' on" the NVC journey sometimes wanes.

Reading Liv Larsson’s newly translated book, Anger, Guilt & Shame: Reclaiming Power and Choice, reconnected me to a deep yearning for a true transformation of how humans relate to each other: day-to-day, moment-to-moment, individually, and in societal groups. At times this yearning is so huge and the task of helping it into the world seems so huge, I experience despair, so I bury it deeply within me.

The Myth of Domination

Liv’s book grabbed me right away in the chapter, "The Myth of Domination in Our Everyday Life." She opened my eyes to the understanding that educating people for peace without offering concrete strategies for changing our thinking about good and evil can very logically lead to more violence.

She then unpacks the myths of domination and offers us a clear path for using our domination culture-based thinking to move toward partnership culture.

The following is an excerpt that inspires me.

To clarify some difference between how various systems affect our ability to manage anger, shame and guilt, I have made some comparisons below. Becoming aware of these differences may contribute to greater acceptance when we are experiencing anger, shame or guilt. What we put our attention on makes it easier or harder to deal with these feelings.

Anger, shame and guilt can be seen as signals that we have shifted our attention from the feelings within us that directly serve life, to a system based on competition, rank and domination. When we learn to recognize these signals, we gain access to valuable information about what we are currently focusing on – what we are judging as right and wrong.

Attention!

Doing this division can get us caught up in ideas of right and wrong. If we do that, it will negate the purpose of doing it, so focus on the difference, rather than on trying to figure out if one is good and the other one bad.

SHAME
In Partnership Cultures

We have an innate sensitivity for others and their needs. Shame is interpreted as a sign that it might be valuable to become more aware of the other person’s needs as well as our own.

In Domination Cultures

Shame is interpreted as a sign that we are not good enough, that we are bad, disgusting, abnormal or that we have done something wrong and are not worthy of love. Inducing shame is used to try to create change.

ANGER
In Partnership Cultures

Anger is a sign that someone has needs that have not been met. Anger gives us strength to set limits to protect what we value. Anger is not taken personally or as if there is something wrong with anyone, but as a cry for help.

In Domination Cultures

Anger means that someone has done something wrong and should have acted differently. They should "know better" and they now deserve to be punished. Criticism expressed with anger is directed at another person or is easily perceived as a personal attack.

GUILT
In Partnership Cultures

Instead of finding a scapegoat or deciding who is to blame, we try to consider everyone’s needs, our own and others. We explore whether there is something we want to do differently in order to meet the needs of others without giving up on our own needs.

In Domination Cultures

Guilt is interpreted as a sign that we should have acted differently and therefore we deserve to be punished. We blame others or ourselves in the hope that it will lead to positive changes.

TO APOLOGIZE
In Partnership Cultures
We listen with empathy to another’s pain about their needs having not been met. When we realize that we have not considered the needs of others, we act to repair it.
In Domination Cultures
If others are not happy, we blame ourselves, feel shame and ask others to forgive us. The focus is on the person who has acted in a way we do not think was right, normal, appropriate or acceptable.

 

A New Slant

Liv then outlines an explanation of NVC concentrating on translating our connection to shame, guilt and anger. She offers perspectives that are new slants for me. By reading this book I was able to see how much of my own thinking is still shaped by my domination culture upbringing and has opened up new ways of accepting and working with these strong emotions.

The later part of the book is filled with practical exercises that any NVC practitioner or practice group could use to deepen self-connection. In the April issue we will concentrate on shame and explore some of the exercises presented in this book. How empowering to use the door of shame to actually become more self-connected and therefore more available to others.

Suggestions for Practice
  1. Read Anger, Guilt & Shame: Reclaiming Power and Choice, by Liv Larsson .

  2. Participate in intermediate and advanced NVC workshops; stay involved. For the sake of human transformation "Keep on keepin' on"

  3. Each day for the next week pick something that generates happiness within you, and DO IT. Even if you are physically confined, at a minimum spend some time thinking happy thoughts.

Peggy Smith is a certified NVC trainer living in Lincolnville, Maine. A co-founder of the Maine NVC Network and principle trainer with Open Communication, Peggy loves living, teaching and coaching NVC.

 

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"Power-Over leads to punishment and violence. Power-With leads to compassion and understanding, and to learning motivated by reverence for life rather than fear, guilt, shame,
or anger."
- Marshall Rosenberg

"Anger, depression, guilt, and shame are the
product of the thinking
that is at the base of violence on our planet."
- Marshall Rosenberg

 

Anger Guilt and Shame

 

NVC Extraordinary Relationship Package

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News from the NVC Network... continued

FREE WEBINAR: The Empathy Factor - Nexus 4 Change

The Compassionate "We" - The Empathy Factor in Organizations
One of the hot topics in today's business, nonprofit and Non-Government Organization worlds looks at making empathy and compassion practical in the workplace. If you're interested in learning how to consult, train, lead, or work in a more compassionate organization, this session will provide:

  1. A framework to define and understand how empathy and compassion show up in organizations
  2. Examples of practical applications for creating empathy-based processes in organizations
  3. Lessons learned from a leader of an empathic organization

Understanding and operating with empathy and acting with compassion leads to increased productivity for the team, increased engagement for the individual team members, and a world operating from more of a needs-based consciousness. This session is based on the business book The Empathy Factor, the Nonviolent Communication process, and the Integrated Clarity® chapter found in The Change Handbook. Here are some common questions that will be included during the discussion around empathy, compassion and their place within organizations:

  1. How do you take empathy and compassion from interpersonal relationships and turn it to organizational practice? 
  2. What does compassion in organizations look like? Sound like?
  3. How is empathy in organizations different from empathy in personal relationships?
  4. How might the world be different if more organizations were operating with more empathic skills and compassionate action?

Nonviolent Communication, also known as NVC or Compassionate Communication, is known as a communication and peacemaking process with over 300 certified trainers working in 75 countries and half a million people worldwide receiving training in NVC each year. This is going to be a rich and practical discussion that draws on examples and ideas that you can bring back to your organization.  Please join us!

Date: Wednesday June 5th 2013
Time: 12:00pm - 1:00pm EST
Register Here

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Family HEART Camp

This is an unforgettable adventure and unique community experience for everyone who longs for more Harmony, Ease, Authenticity, Respect, and Trust in their families, in their communities, and in the world.

Grounded in the principles of Nonviolent Communication, Family Heart Camps offer you an experience of a lifetime. And by having the event in a family camping environment in Hawaii, we also offer families a much less expensive way to explore Maui.

This camp is for you if...

  • You ever hear yourself say things to your children or spouse you know you will regret later?

  • You are overwhelmed with Facebook, video game or cell phone power struggles with your kids?

  • You would you like to be able to resolve conflicts peacefully and strengthen your connection in the process?

Using tools from Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, the Family Heart Camp of Hawaii - lead by certified NVC trainers Jim and Jori Manske - offers you and your family an opportunity to learn these essential skills during one week retreat on the beautiful island of Maui, July 7-14th!

One parent who received this NVC Parenting support says:

“I am fun again, see the beauty of life, and have learned to love and forgive myself and my loved ones.”  Nadega

Learn More / Register to Attend >>

Most children can hear what parents say the first time. There is usually no need to say it louder. Children just don’t want to do what parents are demand of them or let alone do it with a smile on their face.

At the Family Heart Camp Hawaii, parents learn Nonviolent Communication skills in a workshop setting, while the children absorb it through an experience of being immersed in the environment in which everyone’s needs are equally valued and where our experienced staff demonstrate using these skills in every interaction with the children.

Family Heart Camp organizers have a dream...

  • That all children everywhere are treated with unconditional love and respect.  We long for children to have a say in matters that affect them, learn to trust that their needs matter, and are spared unnecessary physical or emotional pain.

  • That all parents everywhere find relief from struggling with their children and have all the support they need to raise their children in accordance with their values.  We want to build a society where parents cherish and enjoy time with their children, attend to their own needs for rest, rejuvenation and self-care, and have meaningful and supportive relationships with their significant others. 

  • That Family HEART Camp is a place where children learn to cherish, honor and respect their parents, and parents learn to cherish, honor and respect their children. We create a supportive community of like-minded people who feel like a new family by the end of the week. 

This is a summer camp for all ages and every one of us is a member of a family. So whether you come as a grandparent or single adult or bring family members to camp or not, everyone can take these tools home to the rest of their family. 

Please Join Us for this opportunity to spend quality time together in a loving, compassionate community & change your life!  Call 808-356-9060

Space is Limited so Register Soon: http://www.FamilyHeartCamp.org/hawaii

 

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Free Book from John Cunningham

John Cunningham just finished a major revision of his training booklet, Compassionate Communication - Empathy Awakening. Feel free to download and print copies for yourself, your family, friends and colleagues. It is a gift!

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NVC Blogs of Interest

Here are two NVC related blogs we value and want to share with you:

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The Compassionate "We"

Date: Wednesday June 5th 2013
Time: 12:00pm - 1:00pm EST
Register Here

 

 

Jim & Jori

Jim & Jori Manske