Using Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Address the Roots and Impacts of Extremism
By Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer
Introduction
The purpose of this article is to clarify Nonviolent Communication and demonstrate its potential in addressing extremism in society today.
If you are already versed in NVC you will note that extremism is not something concrete in the way that an observation usually is in NVC. Extremism is trickier to define than that. Similar to racism, privilege, or climate change (to name only a few examples) — extremism could be thought of as a meta-phenomenon in the sense that it is made of up many, many observations.
For extra clarity, this is not about labeling a person or a group of people. This article is not about calling someone an extremist. This article is about extremism.
As we move forward, let’s first define extremism, then clarify NVC, and then dive deeper after that!
What is extremism and how is it relevant in today’s world?
Extremism refers to holding beliefs, attitudes — or exhibiting behaviors — that deviate significantly from what is considered acceptable by societal norms, often in ways that promote intolerance, hostility, or violence.
Extremism spans political, religious, and ideological contexts. In NVC terms, extremism emerges from unmet needs, such as a longing for significance, belonging, or security. Vulnerable individuals can be recruited or otherwise convinced that these needs could get met within radical groups or ideologies.
Extremism requires a sense-making frame that explains why these beliefs or behaviors that most of society would find extreme are normal, acceptable, or necessary.
Because humans are interrelated and interdependent — and our world is increasingly interconnected — the impacts of extremism have become more pronounced. The rapid spread of dis- and mis-information, primarily through digital platforms, coupled with social and economic inequalities, has amplified polarization and escalated tensions everywhere.
Let’s clarify these two important terms: disinformation and misinformation. Both refer to the spreading of a false or misleading narrative while presenting it as truth. The difference is that disinformation is created deliberately to mislead, while misinformation is when someone spreads that false narrative unwittingly, having believed it to be true. The effect is usually the same.
For ease of both reading and writing I will sometimes use the term misinformation below to refer to both — although technically there is a difference.
Extremism affects not only the individuals directly involved but also the broader community, eroding trust and creating divisions that hinder moving forward together.
If we want to address the roots of extremism it will be useful to understand its underlying causes.
As we think about what to do about extremism in society, a more durable approach will look beyond punitive measures. We have a growing need for strategies that emphasize connection, empathy, and dialogue — areas in which Nonviolent Communication (NVC) excels and can play a transformative role.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a transformative process
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg as the result of a question: what are the essential elements in thought, language, communication, and the use of power that contribute to high-quality connection so that we can co-create mutually beneficial solutions?
NVC, as a communication process, focuses on fostering understanding, empathy, and connection — in the service of win-win outcomes.
NVC has both an essence and a form.
The essence is comprised of a core intention as well as a set of principles, while the form is a structured framework that gives us the tools of NVC.
The core intention is to create a high quality of connection out of which we naturally and spontaneously contribute to one another’s well-being.
Having a tool and being skillful with a tool are different things, so applying NVC in real life requires practice.
At its core, NVC encourages people to identify and express their feelings and unmet needs without blame or judgment, while also listening deeply to others with empathy and curiosity.
What makes NVC transformative in addressing extremism is its ability to bridge divides and humanize even the most difficult conversations.
Extremist ideologies often thrive on “us-vs-them” narratives and dehumanization.
NVC provides a pathway to disrupt these patterns by encouraging self-awareness and mutual understanding. It contributes to individuals moving away from reactive, defensive communication and toward meaningful dialogue.
NVC can be applied at multiple levels — within yourself, in interpersonal relationships, and even in larger societal contexts such as public meetings and within groups and organizations.
Whether it’s helping someone recognize their unmet needs and vulnerabilities before succumbing to radical influences, or creating dialogues across polarized groups, NVC has tangible tools to foster peace and prevent escalation.
In a world increasingly marked by division, NVC reminds us of our shared humanity and the potential for empathy to disarm extremism at its roots.
What Are the Roots of Extremism?
Extremism, as I’m defining it here, is characterized by a rigid adherence to a set of beliefs or ideologies that includes rejecting or opposing other perspectives through intolerance, exclusion, or even violence.
While extremism is often associated with political or religious ideologies, it can manifest in various forms, including far-out conspiracy theories and hate-based movements.
To address extremism effectively, it’ll be valuable to look beyond surface behaviors to the deeper causes that could drive any individual toward such paths.
Key Root Causes of Extremism
1) Unmet Needs:
At its heart, extremism often stems from unmet human needs. These could include needs for safety, belonging, meaning, purpose, autonomy, and/or significance.
(With regard to the last one, significance, I include it here both in the sense of mattering as well as in the sense of having power in your world. Many people have lost a sense of their needs mattering within social and political structures, as distinct from but often along with, a sense of powerlessness to address what is not working).
When these needs are persistently unfulfilled, individuals understandably give in to a temptation to meet them through rigid ideologies or groups that promise meaning, acceptance, or power.
When I say “understandably” it’s because (1) I don’t want us to underestimate the real suffering people experience in the world, along with their desire to address that suffering; (2) there is often a perceived lack of alternatives offered by society, and; (3) when a radicalizing influence shows up it appears to offer something valuable. This includes explanatory value (those people — fill in the blank — are why you are suffering!) as well as relief by giving people validation for their pain, along with belonging, significance, and the promise of easing their pain.
2) Systemic Oppression:
Systemic oppression is real — even if people like me who have unearned advantages (a.k.a. privilege) don’t perceive it because it doesn’t affect us.
For example, living in the US and presenting as a typical White male, I rarely have to worry when the police stop me for a traffic violation. If I were a black male, a simple traffic stop is understandably perceived to be potentially life threatening.
White people can exist just fine without even being aware of this. When it doesn’t show up as a problem because it’s not a problem for me — that is one definition of what we mean by privilege.
There are countless examples of how systemic advantages are tilted toward and away from specific groups. It makes sense that the groups most affected are the ones who perceive systemic oppression most clearly.
Marginalization, inequality, and systemic injustice create conditions where extremism can flourish.
Individuals who feel excluded or disenfranchised may turn to radical ideologies as a way of mattering, asserting their agency, finding community, or resisting perceived oppression.
3) Alienation:
Modern societies, with their fast-paced, individualistic structures, often leave people feeling disconnected from their communities and even themselves.
Alienation can foster vulnerability to extremist recruitment, which often targets individuals looking for connection, empowerment, and a sense of belonging.
The initial emotional high of belonging and mattering lowers critical thinking barriers to ideologies that are, in fact, destructive to the individual as well as to families, community, and society.
4) Disinformation and Misinformation:
Disinformation is deliberate, whereas misinformation is when someone spreads information they think is correct when it is not.
In the digital age, the rapid spread of dis- and misinformation exacerbates extremism.
False narratives, information silos, and social media algorithms that support echo chambers all reinforce polarized thinking — making it harder for individuals to critically evaluate their beliefs and easier for extremist ideologies to take root.
How do we deal with these root causes?
Addressing each of these root causes requires multiple approaches simultaneously, including structural changes — for example, the way social media algorithms increase polarization.
NVC would have us approach each of these causes with empathy, curiosity, and a clear articulation of what we value that can move us in the direction of individual and collective prosocial, connected, and effective ways of being and acting.
With both inner and outer strategies we can move toward creating conditions where extremism spreads less easily and becomes less appealing.
In other articles I’ve addressed how meaning and purpose are scarce resources in our current global culture, and how consumerism simultaneously destroys Earth’s life-support systems and takes us away from deeper meaning and purpose.
When we address the root causes of the lack of meaning and purpose, isolation and the breakdown of community, and our global ecological crises, we are also addressing some of the root causes of extremism.
On this page, you can find a variety of topics discussed in relation to Nonviolent Communication — many of which discuss these themes.
How NVC Helps to Identify Unmet Needs Fueling Extremist Behaviors
Nonviolent Communication is not a panacea that solves all problems — and yet, NVC has a critical role to play!
NVC is uniquely positioned to address extremism because it focuses on uncovering the unmet needs beneath human behaviors.
In NVC, every action is seen as an attempt to meet needs, whether security, significance, community, or something else.
By shifting the focus from judgment (“this person is dangerous”) to curiosity (“what needs are they trying to meet?”), NVC creates opportunities for understanding and constructive dialogue.
When we are stuck in static thinking based on rigid ideas of right/wrong, we diminish these opportunities
NVC as a Process for Identifying Unmet Needs:
1) Observations Without Judgment:
NVC begins by separating facts from interpretations. For instance, instead of labeling someone as “violent,” we might observe specific behaviors like hitting someone, or quoting someone’s call to violence, setting a neutral ground for understanding what we mean specifically.
2) Feelings as Indicators of Needs:
Feelings are signals that underlying needs are met or unmet. For example, feelings of anger or fear may indicate unmet needs for safety or consideration.
3) Uncovering Needs:
Through empathy, NVC allows you or me to identify our unmet needs, and helps others articulate theirs.
What we might refer to as an extremist mindset, for example, may stem from unmet needs for significance, control, or belonging.
This is in no way to excuse or condone behaviors that hurt others! It simply helps us understand what is happening at a deeper level which increases the possibilities for engaging constructively.
4) Making Requests:
Instead of resorting to harmful strategies to meet needs, NVC helps individuals learn to make clear, actionable requests based on connection and mutual understanding. The aim is to arrive at outcomes that are mutually beneficial, and NVC helps us get there more often than not.
In addressing extremism, NVC can help individuals explore what unmet needs their beliefs or actions are trying to fulfill.
By fostering self-awareness and offering alternative strategies for meeting those needs, NVC has the potential to interrupt the cycle of radicalization.
From the standpoint of trying to engage others’ extremist behaviors: part of the idea behind requests is that we are inviting dialog and mutually satisfying outcomes. When we rely on demands, rather than requests, people experience coercion and resentment.
NVC focuses on connection, and when we are connected we act in mutually beneficial ways naturally and spontaneously.
Of course, sometimes we need to use force to protect life. And NVC gives us the distinction between punitive use of force and protective use of force. NVC is not about being permissive or being a doormat.
NVC is about engaging in the wisest, most compassionate way we can find in order to arrive at mutually co-created and collectively beneficial outcomes.
Guided study and practice are the fastest ways to increase your NVC skills so that you can apply them effectively in a range of contexts!
Hypothetical Example: A Person Drawn to Extremism Due to Feelings of Powerlessness Finds Empowerment Through Connection and Self-Expression
Consider a young man feeling powerless and overlooked in his community and in the world. He struggles with job insecurity and perceives a lack of respect or opportunity in his daily life.
Over time, he is drawn to an extremist group that promises empowerment and significance, framing his struggles as the fault of an external “enemy.”
Through a community program using NVC, he begins to explore the underlying feelings and needs driving his behavior.
In a group session, he is encouraged to express his frustration, and through guided empathy, he realizes that his feelings stem from unmet needs for respect, contribution, and security.
As a result, he feels heard and seen — not as a problem, but as a person with valid needs.
Rather than channeling his energy into anger and division, over time he learns to express his needs constructively, developing strategies for self-expression and community involvement.
He joins a local initiative to create job opportunities for marginalized youth, finding empowerment not through blame, but through connection and meaningful contribution.
Despite the above being an oversimplified illustration, it highlights how identifying and addressing unmet needs can transform the trajectory of someone vulnerable to extremism, redirecting their energy toward constructive action rather than harm.
Decoding What Is True: Applying NVC to Navigate Disinformation and Misinformation
Disinformation and misinformation are some of the most significant drivers of extremism in the world today — and they exacerbate all the other drivers (poverty, lack of fitting in, lack of meaning and purpose, the perception that the system has left you behind, marginalization, etc.).
Both dis- and misinformation thrive on fear, uncertainty, and a lack of critical engagement, often pushing people into polarized thinking and reinforcing extreme ideologies.
By understanding how dis- and misinformation spread, and learning to respond with empathy and clarity, we can use Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to navigate challenging conversations and foster constructive dialogue.
How Misinformation and Echo Chambers Contribute to Extremism
Misinformation — false or misleading information presented as truth — spreads rapidly through social media, online communities, and even traditional media outlets.
It becomes particularly problematic in echo chambers, where individuals are exposed only to information that reinforces their existing beliefs, while differing or dissenting perspectives are excluded or dismissed.
These environments deepen what is known as confirmation bias — a tendency to interpret information (and/or ignore some data) in a way that aligns with pre-existing beliefs — making it harder for people to critically evaluate their own views or consider alternative perspectives.
In the context of extremism, dis- and misinformation often serves to amplify fear, alienation, and anger, providing simplified narratives that appeal to people’s unmet needs for meaning, safety, belonging, or control.
For example, conspiracy theories may offer an explanation for personal or societal struggles, creating a false sense of understanding, meaning, and agency.
The Role of NVC in Discerning Truth
Nonviolent Communication can give people a structured approach for navigating misinformation by focusing on empathy, connection, and clarity.
Let’s say you encounter what you believe to be misinformation.
The four elements of the NVC framework — observations, feelings, needs, and requests — can help you discern truth and respond to misinformation constructively:
Observations Without Judgment:
Begin by identifying the factual elements of the situation without adding interpretations or assumptions. For example, instead of reactively labeling a statement as “misinformed,” focus on the specific claims being made. This creates a neutral foundation for discussion.
If an article claims that a certain group of people hold a certain belief (“liberals hate America” or “conservatives want to end the social safety net”) the factual element of the situation is not “this is true because it says so here” or “this is false because it goes against my beliefs” but rather, “this article states this.”
Separate from whether a particular claim is true, you can help someone uncover their assumptions when you clearly discern what you are observing and then get curious about the claims themselves.
Curiosity, questioning, and critical thinking are essential skills for separating observations from a story that may or may not be, or may only partially be, true.
This dimension of self-connection helps me discern when I am making an assumption or an interpretation, or relying on a narrative based on a belief.
Feelings as Indicators of Engagement:
Recognize and articulate your feelings when encountering what you believe to be misinformation.
Slow down, breathe, feel inside your body…
Are you feeling frustrated, curious, scared, worried… or something else?
Similarly, see if you can empathize with the emotions of the other person, understanding that their feelings often stem from unmet needs like safety or clarity.
For example, if a friend of yours posts a meme that states that “immigrants are destroying our country” it’s likely that there is anger, fear, or concern — and that the underlying needs are safety, security, or stability. We don’t know definitively what is happening inside someone else — but we begin with an empathic guess!
Connecting with feelings and needs rather than your judgments can help you ground in a more compassionate place for a dialog in which you can address others’ concerns.
People don’t change their beliefs when they are judged and told they’re stupid or misinformed. That actually shuts them down and leads to them to resist engaging. Focusing on feelings and needs — showing human care — helps the other person be more open to a different perspective, which could come after empathy.
Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care. — Theodore Roosevelt
Uncovering Needs Behind Beliefs:
To the extent you can, imagine and explore the unmet needs behind misinformation.
Someone sharing a conspiracy theory might have unmet needs for security or understanding amidst uncertainty.
For example, I have a friend who shares conspiracy theories I find quite outlandish and unbelievable! Our common ground is a distrust of the profit-motive in health care and what we perceive as greed by the pharmaceutical industry. A past version of myself might have disconnected from this person based on my judgments. Him changing his beliefs is not a pre-requisite to remaining friends and good neighbors. And there is an opening for dialog should we ever need it.
NVC helps uncover the underlying needs without shaming or dismissing the individual — preserving future possibilities for changing and evolving without having to disconnect.
Making Requests to Foster Understanding:
Rather than arguing or attempting to “correct” someone, NVC emphasizes making collaborative requests that invite dialogue.
For example, you might ask: “Would you be open to exploring this information together to see what aligns with our shared values?”
Starting with common ground helps us move through conversations together.
An NVC request comes from connection with your needs. Therefore, NVC does require you to be clear about what you value and want, so that you can make a request based on what the life inside you is yearning for.
Not all relationships are of equal priority, and NVC takes that into account.
Furthermore, certain mediums are not conducive to a connecting dialog. For example, in a recent discussion on a social media platform I invited someone to set up a Zoom call so that we could continue/deepen the conversation.
Example: A Family Member Confronts Misinformation Online Using Empathic Listening and Curiosity
Imagine a family gathering in which a relative shares an article you find misleading, which claims that a certain group is responsible for economic decline. You feel a surge of frustration and an urge to argue. Rather than argue you choose to apply NVC.
Start with empathy toward yourself, if you need it.
If you are feeling triggered, as in the above example, NVC would have you begin with empathy toward your own needs.
In the above scenario, what might help you stay grounded and get connected to your needs could be a simple self-empathy exercise or perhaps a brief phone call with an empathic friend.
With practice, self-empathy can happen quite quickly — you self-connect, and then you’re back, present with the other person.
(In my private work I often tell clients that the first step toward de-escalating a situation is to de-escalate yourself.)
So, again, the first step is you connecting with your own feelings and needs around what your relative shared. Perhaps you feel frustration and sadness coming from a need for compassion for all humans and a desire for shared meaning.
It could be that or it could be something else.
You are not “figuring out” your feelings and needs, as an intellectual process.
Rather, you are making direct contact with your feelings and needs, in your mind and body, and this helps you regulate your nervous system and have more interior clarity about what is important to you.
Once you are re-connected with yourself and feeling more grounded, then you might choose to initiate dialog.
You can start with either empathy or honesty, whichever you think would serve the connection.
If you sense that your relative has strong feelings, then you might start by empathizing which, let’s be clear, is different than agreeing:
“It sounds like you’re feeling worried about the future and need clarity about the causes as well as solutions. Am I understanding?”
This is a hypothetical example, and we can’t follow every possible permutation a conversation might take… but let’s say that, as you hang in there trying to understand with empathy, before long they feel understood.
Once they feel gotten, then you could see if they’re open to your honesty.
“Hey, I feel like I understand your concerns… are you open to hearing another perspective on that?”
The reason I ask for someone’s consent at this point is (1) it lets me know whether they need more empathy, and (2) I’ve never achieved satisfying results by trying to force my view on someone — it ends up frustrating both people and creating more distance.
For the sake of the example, let’s say they respond with, “Sure, what’s your perspective?”
Now is the perfect time to share your honesty!
If you were following the NVC framework in this conversation, the next part might be structured like this:
Observation: “I hear that you have concerns about economic challenges and what’s causing them. I noticed the article mentions [specific claim].”
Feelings and Needs (your own experience): “When I read that, I felt uneasy but also curious — because I value having more complete information about deeper causes.”
Request: “Would you be open to looking at some additional sources or perspectives together? I’d like to understand this issue better too.”
The request in a real situation comes from what you actually want.
The point is less around the specific request above, and more around proposing something that could feel collaborative or lead to greater shared understanding. In the end, you can agree to disagree which is still a far cry from ending disconnected or in a fight.
By responding with empathy and curiosity, you are less likely to trigger defensiveness and much more likely to open the door for a meaningful exchange.
Even if your relative doesn’t immediately change their perspective, you’ve planted seeds for deeper reflection and demonstrated respectful, caring engagement.
The common pattern in life: our closest relationships are usually our most intense ones.
Many NVC practitioners take the time to get their skills up at trainings and in other real-life situations before attempting repair with family, especially if those bonds have been damaged for a long time.
The Broader Impact of NVC on Misinformation
When applied skillfully and consistently, NVC can help dismantle an “us-vs-them” dynamic perpetuated by misinformation.
By focusing on shared human needs and fostering open dialogue, we create spaces where people feel safe to question and reevaluate their beliefs without fear of judgment or alienation.
This approach not only counters extremism but also strengthens connections and understanding in our personal, community, and work relationships.
How to Know If You’re Being Radicalized
Seeing changes in your own worldview and perspective can be tricky, because subtle changes over time can add up to a big difference!
Radicalization is a gradual process in which you, or I, could begin to adopt increasingly extreme beliefs, attitudes, or actions that deviate significantly from societal norms, usually in a way that is hostile toward differing perspectives.
If you or I want opportunities to intervene and reorient ourselves toward more constructive paths, then recognizing the early signs of radicalization would be important.
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers tools for self-awareness and self-empathy, helping anyone who is available for it to notice and address their vulnerabilities before they escalate into extremist behavior.
Identifying warning signs of radicalization
Let’s look, one at a time, at some indicators that point to the possibility that someone may be in the process of becoming radicalized.
These include adopting views that create isolation, an us-versus-them mindset, increasing levels of anger, frustration, resentment, or outrage, withdrawing from relationships in which people have other perspectives, and justifying harm toward those who hold different views.
Not any one of these alone means that someone is becoming radicalized. But when I put all or most of them together, they paint a picture that I find disquieting, troubling, and, on occasion, alarming.
Isolating Views:
A key indicator of radicalization is a shift toward rigid, black-and-white thinking, where alternative viewpoints are dismissed outright. Notice if you have surrounded yourself exclusively with information or people that reinforce your beliefs, leaving you in a self-sustaining echo chamber.
“Us-vs-Them” Mindset:
This polarizing perspective frames the world as divided into allies and enemies, often dehumanizing those with differing opinions. It fosters hostility and deepens the divide, making constructive dialogue nearly impossible. Notice if in yourself you have labeled an entire group as “enemies” and pay attention to where your beliefs about that originated.
Increasing Anger, Frustration, Resentment, and Outrage:
If you have been going through heightened emotional responses, especially anger or frustration directed at specific groups or systems, this signals that you have underlying needs which are unfulfilled.
In a process of radicalization, these feelings are often fueled by thoughts that include scapegoating or blaming others for personal or societal struggles.
We all feel these from time to time, and that is normal.
It’s when the people you listen to (influencers, podcasters, news anchors) repeatedly scapegoat specific groups and fuel this increasing trend of fear and anger — that is a healthy time to step back and take stock of where these beliefs are coming from.
Autocratic leaders worldwide and throughout history have leveraged people’s fear and anger into attempts to seize and retain power and control for indefinite time periods, often for their and their family’s personal enrichment.
Understand who benefits and why, and who has an incentive to get you to believe what divisive set of beliefs.
Withdrawal from Diverse Relationships:
If you find yourself distancing yourself noticeably from relationships with people who hold differing views — this could indicate many things. By itself, this is not necessarily a sign of radicalization. It’s the combination of holding enemy images of others along with a new-found isolation that can reinforce extreme beliefs and can reduce opportunities for open dialogue.
Justification of Harm:
The opposite of NVC: life-disconnected, life-alienated thinking and language, relies heavily on static concepts of rightness and wrongness. This way of thinking emphasizes knowing who is “bad” so that we know who deserves to be punished.
This justification of inflicting violence — whether verbal, emotional, or physical — on others perceived as the “enemy” is a critical warning sign.
What is the role of self-empathy in recognizing your own unmet needs and vulnerabilities?
Radicalization often thrives on unmet needs such as a longing for significance, belonging, security, or meaning.
When these needs are ignored or suppressed, it’s easier to become vulnerable to ideologies or groups that promise to fulfill them, even at a great cost — particularly to the extent that I feel any desperateness around these needs.
NVC has three areas you can focus on for connection: vulnerable honesty, listening with empathy, and self-connection (which includes self-empathy).
Self-empathy involves pausing to make contact with your very own feelings and needs.
A key differentiation in NVC is between needs and strategies.
For example, I’m hungry. The Universal Human Need would be food or nourishment. The strategies, however, are not universal. I might make food at home, or go out for Mexican or Chinese food.
Forces that would radicalize you or me exploit this lack of distinction in a vulnerable person’s mind. Someone is lonely and needs community, and along comes a violent extremist group and gives them just that — community, belonging, and a sense of righteous indignation from knowing who to blame (us versus them) — but at what cost?
On the international stage, this has been a shortcoming of the so-called war on terror. Many of the tactics used to fight terrorism inflicted so much pain on innocent civilians that it created the perfect recruiting tool for more radicalization of people previously uninvolved with any given violent group.
Disinformation in the United States has fueled distress and intolerance, also adding to the conditions in which someone might think that the strategy of condoning political violence would contribute to their needs for peace and stability.
Self-empathy can help you differentiate between your needs and any number of given strategies to meet them.
NVC skills can give you confidence about overcoming deep divides between groups and between yourself and others.
When you or I recognize our needs, we are better equipped to address them before our vulnerabilities are exploited by groups or ideologies with ulterior motives.
Steps for Self-Empathy, Reframing, and Seeking Support:
Acknowledge Your Feelings:
Start by naming what you’re feeling, such as anger, frustration, or loneliness. Feelings are important indicators of underlying needs.
Identify Your Needs:
Ask yourself what unmet need might be at the root of those feelings. Stay in your body, following your experience until something shows up. Having a vocabulary for feelings and needs can make this faster and more clear. You can find one example here.
Reframe Your Experience:
Once you are connected to your needs, you find that you can shift your perspective, from blame (either self-directed or toward others) to understanding. For example: “They’re the problem,” gets reframed as “What am I longing for, and how can I meet this need in a constructive way?”
Sometimes people you trust who genuinely care about you can help you in this process, which brings us to the next point.
Seek Support:
There is a thought trap in our culture that sounds like, “I have to go through things alone.” This is not true — so please don’t allow self-empathy to mean that you must face things alone.
Building a circle of trust with others who value understanding and growth can help you navigate vulnerabilities with compassion.
Sometimes this starts with a couple of friends, or even with a counselor or therapist. But the very first steps are to reach out for support now and to set the intention to develop a broader circle of support over time.
Example: A Young Person Notices a Pattern of Anger and Isolation and Uses Self-Empathy to Uncover Unmet Needs
Imagine a teenager who feels increasingly disconnected from school, family, and peers, and struggles to find purpose in his daily life. He begins spending more time online, engaging with content that blames societal issues on a specific group.
Over time, he notices a growing sense of anger and frustration, and with this deepening unease increasingly tends to isolate himself from friends and family.
One day, he stumbles upon the concept of self-empathy through an NVC workshop at school.
Encouraged by the facilitator, he takes a moment to self-connect:
Observations: He learns the power of distinguishing facts from stories, and begins to question his newly adopted narrative.
Feelings: He identifies feelings of anger, loneliness, confusion, powerlessness, sadness, bitterness, and resentment. He is surprised by how much he is holding, and begins to feel the power of self-compassion.
Needs: Exploring further, he recognizes unmet needs for connection, belonging, purpose, mattering, and contribution.
Request: Understanding that he can make requests of himself, he tries out the possibility of reframing his recent experiences.
Reframing: He digs deeper and questions the stories he’s heard about the specific group. Learning new information shakes the certainty behind the generalized blame. He realizes that the anger he was directing at others was, in this case, a response to his own longing for connection, belonging, and mattering.
With this awareness, he decides to take constructive steps to meet his own needs.
He joins a local community group focused on volunteer work, which provides a sense of purpose and belonging. He also reconnects with an old friend, rebuilding trust and creating space for open conversations. He expands his sources of information online and begins to question things more critically.
Through self-empathy, this teenager avoids the pull of radicalization and instead channels his energy toward positive, meaningful action.
This hypothetical example illustrates the power of recognizing vulnerabilities and addressing them constructively before they lead to harmful outcomes.
Awareness of warning signs, a self-empathy practice, and trusted, caring people with additional perspectives, can help most anyone break the cycle of radicalization and foster resilience against extremist influences.
NVC provides some valuable tools to turn moments of vulnerability into opportunities for growth and connection.
NVC in Action: Building Bridges to Reduce Extremism
One of the most profound impacts of Nonviolent Communication is its ability to foster meaningful dialogue across ideological divides. (This is also supported by skillfulness with NVC. Additionally, if we want these kinds of efforts to scale that will require sufficient resources to sustain the effort.)
Extremism often thrives in environments where communication breaks down, dehumanization occurs, and people stop seeing the humanity of those who think or act differently.
NVC provides tools to build these bridges, creating opportunities for understanding, empathy, and collaborative solutions.
How NVC facilitates dialogue across ideological divides.
At its core, NVC promotes connection by focusing on shared human needs, rather than differences in opinions or beliefs, and leveraging that common ground to find win-win solutions.
NVC invites people to shift from judgment and blame to curiosity and empathy, enabling conversations to move beyond polarization.
NVC is not a magic pill! People need to want these outcomes, and NVC provides the framework to achieve them.
So how does NVC facilitate dialogue across ideological divides?
1. Observation Without Judgment:
NVC starts with making neutral observations instead of evaluations. For example, rather than saying, “You’re spreading dangerous ideas,” one might say, “I hear you expressing concerns about X issue.” This creates an opening for dialogue rather than generating defensiveness.
2. Empathy and Curiosity:
By listening deeply to the feelings and needs underlying someone’s words, NVC helps uncover the human motivations driving their perspectives.
Even underlying extremist rhetoric are Universal Human Needs. These could be unmet needs around safety, belonging, or significance that are addressed first with empathy.
3. Focusing on Shared Needs:
As I’ve been explaining, extremist ideologies often appear divisive on the surface but are rooted in universal needs shared by all people.
Identifying these shared needs — such as safety, fair treatment, or consideration — provides common ground, because we all have the same needs!
This is the beginning of how NVC helps to bridge divides and foster collaboration.
4. Encouraging Authentic Self-Expression:
NVC allows individuals to express their own perspectives in a way that invites understanding, even when engaging with someone holding opposing views. This reduces the likelihood of escalating conflict and increases the chance of mutual understanding.
Strategies for fostering connection with those holding extremist views, emphasizing observation without judgment.
Engaging with individuals or groups holding extremist views can seem like a daunting and challenging task.
Nevertheless, it is important and worthwhile in order to create the kind of world we want to live in — and NVC offers a roadmap for doing so with empathy and effectiveness:
1. Start With Clear Observations:
Begin by acknowledging what you’ve noticed without adding your evaluations, interpretations, or judgments. For instance, “It seems like this topic is very important to you,” rather than, “You’re obsessed with this idea.” Neutral language helps create a safe space for dialogue.
Once someone hears a judgment or a verbal attack they are likely to get defensive. This makes the conversation much harder than it needs to be compared to if we start with neutral facts.
2. Listen for Feelings and Needs:
I don’t know about you, but I grew up in a culture that taught me to listen to respond rather than listen to understand.
This is a massively important mindset shift!
Pay attention to the emotions underlying the other person’s words and tune into the unmet needs driving their perspective. For example, anger could possibly indicate unmet needs for fairness or respect, while fear could signal a need for safety or stability.
More than guessing the right feelings and needs, the main thing is to demonstrate interest and care!
3. Avoid Debate or Argument:
Instead of attempting to “win” or convince someone, focus on understanding. Use reflective listening to show you’re engaged: “It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because you want to see justice in this situation. Am I understanding?”
4. Focus on Shared Values:
Find common ground by emphasizing shared values or goals. For example, if both parties value community safety, you can frame the discussion around meeting that shared need rather than debating specific strategies or ideologies.
5. Make Requests Rather Than Demands:
Invite collaborative action by making requests that align with shared needs. For instance, “Would you be open to exploring all the ways we can create more of a sense of community where we live?”
Using NVC to Engage People in Power
Addressing the systemic issues that contribute to extremism — such as inequality, marginalization, and lack of access to resources — can be done in many ways.
When we look at how to use NVC to create positive social change, one significant strategy is to have maximally effective conversations with those who have their hands on the levers of power — those who have the authority and/or resources to create and implement change.
NVC skills open up possibilities for connecting and creating mutually agreeable solutions with those in power.
By creating access, fostering empathy, identifying shared values, and making actionable requests, NVC can transform adversarial interactions into collaborative efforts for systemic improvement.
How NVC Can Help Influence Decision-Makers<./h3>
Decision-makers — whether they are politicians, corporate leaders, or community heads — often operate within systems constrained by competing interests and limited resources.
Traditional advocacy approaches sometimes involve confrontational tactics or adversarial demands, which can provoke defensiveness and reduce the likelihood of collaboration.
NVC offers an alternative by emphasizing connection and mutual understanding.
Rather than positioning decision-makers as adversaries, it focuses on identifying shared values and needs, creating a pathway for constructive dialogue, and joint problem-solving.
This approach humanizes the process and preserves long-term relationships while simultaneously safeguarding long-term possibilities. With NVC, your advocacy efforts can be both compassionate and strategic.
Through the use of NVC, activists, Changemakers, and advocates can:
Build Empathy: Understand the perspectives, motivations, and constraints of decision-makers to foster mutual understanding and consideration.
Clarify Needs: Express their own unmet needs while acknowledging the needs of those in power, creating a foundation for collaborative exploration of solutions.
Make Actionable Requests: Formulate clear, executable proposals that align with shared goals, increasing the likelihood of agreement and action.
Using NVC to Engage Decision-Makers
Nonviolent Communication is a powerful ally in creating positive social change.
You can use NVC to engage decision-makers in order to maximize the effectiveness of conversations, meetings, and time-limited engagements.
First you create access, and then you leverage connection around shared needs, followed by one or more concrete, actionable requests.
Learn more about these themes in the article, Nonviolent Communication and Social Change.
Marshall Rosenberg on NVC and Positive Social Change
The following is an edited excerpt from: Nonviolent Communication and Social Change.
When discussing positive social change, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg would encourage us to re-think our responses to some crucial questions that our culture answers in peculiar ways.
The first cultural story we need to question is the one that answers, “Who are we?”
Who are we as human beings?
Are we merely citizens who have the right to remain silent and the right to refuse to vote?
Are we just consumers — replaceable cogs in an economic machine for the purpose of increasing GDP?
Who are we?
The second crucial question is “What is the good life?”
What constitutes a good life?
Is it the images that we see in magazines, online, and TV ads?
Is it the person sunning themselves, floating in the middle of a swimming pool with a drink in their hand?
Or, to paraphrase Will Rogers, is “the good life” spending money we don’t even have, on things we don’t even need, in order to impress people we don’t even like?
Is that the good life?
What is the good life?
Our collective answers to these questions — who are we and what is the good life — are fundamental to examining extremism, our information ecology, and where we are going as a society and a species.
A third valuable question, paraphrased from philosopher Ken Wilber, is “what is our shared destiny on planet Earth?”
This last question highlights the fact that we are all in this together — which itself can bring great clarity to our thoughts, intentions, and actions.
With regard to positive social change, NVC gives you tools for gaining access to and then having powerful conversations with people in positions of power.
Dr. Rosenberg’s advice on positive social change, his methodology called NVC, and his recommendation that we re-ask these fundamental questions are a powerful contribution to those of us wanting to leave the world better than how we found it.
PuddleDancer Press Books for Creating Positive Social Change
PuddleDancer Press is the foremost proponent and publisher of books on Nonviolent Communication and positive social change.
NVC has shown time and again that human beings are capable of collaborating and crafting mutually beneficial solutions.
Because of the trust-building process involved — and the fact that solutions include buy-in from those affected — using NVC to assist you in creating positive change predictably gives you outcomes that are more durable.
PuddleDancer Press’s books on positive social change can help you:
- Create exceptional personal and professional relationships,
- Offer compassionate understanding to others,
- Know when and how to ask for that same understanding for yourself,
- Prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts,
- Speak your truth in a clear, powerful way more likely to lead to harmony than conflict, and
- Create mutual understanding without coercion.
Whether you are a long-time student — or are brand new to NVC — PuddleDancer Press has the educational resources, including the books on social change, to help you grow your emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, and communication prowess.
Check out our catalog of books on social change… and give yourself the gift of Compassionate Communication!
