One of Society’s Most Divisive Issues: Applying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) to Gun Control

By Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer

Introduction: Framing the conversation regarding guns and Nonviolence

This article is neither for nor against guns per se.

My intention in this article is to introduce NVC to beginners, and to explore how you might apply NVC to the debate around gun control in the United States.

To write about both firearms and Nonviolent Communication, in the context of U.S. culture, is full of enigma and paradox.

I grew up in a staunchly anti-gun household, I’ve studied NVC for 30 years and been a Certified Trainer in NVC for over 20 years, and yet… I am a gun owner.

“Guns were created for the sole purpose of killing another human being,” my mother would say. And she was a very principled person, who lived by her convictions. So even as a little boy, not even toy guns were allowed in my home… and I largely held those same views for many years.

Over the years I learned the difference between pacifism and nonviolence, which is mostly beyond the scope of this article. If I could simplify it in a brief space, the starkest concrete difference would be on the issue of self-defense.

It was during a time when I feared for my and my family’s life and safety that, in reference to self-protection, a friend said to me, “it’s better to have one and not need it, than to need one and not have it.” So I let him mentor me in the use of a pistol, in case protecting my children from harm became a last-resort necessity.

Since then I have met many gun owners in my community and asked them questions about their views — which are more diverse than I expected.

I make a distinction between force and violence, while pacifists eschew all use of unilateral force. The key differentiation in NVC is between protective use of force vs. punitive use of force — which I explore below, in this article.

Gun Control and NVC: A polarized topic and a liberating framework

Gun control is one of the most contentious topics in the United States — people’s opinions are polarized, and conversations often devolve into judgment and blame.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., offers a framework for collaborative dialogue that focuses on identifying and meeting the universal human needs underlying all the positions and perspectives in this heated societal debate.

Though much of this article centers around the topic of gun control in the United States, NVC concepts and principles also apply to how other cultures can approach this issue.

First I’ll define Nonviolent Communication, and then we’ll explore gun control and how NVC can be applied to create clarity and mutually agreeable solutions.

What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?

Though Nonviolent Communication has concrete tools set within a definable framework… NVC is primarily the consciousness and intentionality that you bring to your interactions!

Let’s clarify the purpose of NVC, the tools and framework, and what we mean by NVC consciousness.

The Basics of NVC: the purpose, the tools, and the consciousness

The purpose of NVC
NVC recognizes that when we are connected we are less defensive, and we much more easily prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts.

When our connection with each other is strong, we automatically want to contribute to one another’s well-being. This happens spontaneously when there is connection and care between us.

Therefore, the purpose of NVC is to help us to create a high quality connection — so that we can naturally and more easily resolve any issues and differences between us without manipulation, coercion, or violence.

The Framework and the Tools: three areas and four components

NVC defines three areas where you can put your attention in the service of connection: self-connection, empathy, and honesty.

Self-connection implies interior clarity: knowing what you’re feeling, needing, and wanting. Self-connection also includes self-empathy: having compassion for the feelings and needs underlying any of your own positions or actions. Self-connection could also look like “I don’t know what I’m needing or wanting right now,” or realizing that you’re making an assumption, an interpretation, or have an unquestioned belief about something. This level of self-awareness and honesty with yourself leads to greater interior clarity.

Besides interior clarity, NVC also emphasizes speaking and listening, also known as giving and receiving, which in NVC we refer to as honesty and empathy.

In summary: self-connection, empathy, and honesty are three areas where you can put your attention in the service of the quality of connection that leads to mutually beneficial outcomes.

Within each of these three areas the NVC framework recognizes the same four components: observation, feeling, need, and request (OFNR).

Here are a few examples to illustrate the four components in each of these three areas:

The four components in self-connection might show up as me thinking, “When she speaks to me with that tone of voice I feel scared because I want reassurance that I matter. I’m going to ask her if she could let me know her intentions right now.”

An example of the four components with empathy could sound like, “When you think about me waking you up last night when I got home, are you feeling upset because you’re needing support for your rest?”

An example with regard to speaking honestly: “When we texted that we’d meet at 2 and you’re arriving at 2:30, I feel slightly annoyed because I have a need for consideration. Could you tell me what got in the way of letting me know you’d be late?”

Even if this last message might be hard to hear, it’s a significant improvement over “What’s wrong with you?” or “You’re so inconsiderate!”

By putting her attention on and expressing the feelings and needs that were alive — rather than judgments, put-downs, or criticism — the speaker makes it more likely that the listener will hear her heart rather than get defensive.

NVC Consciousness

As I mentioned earlier, NVC is primarily the consciousness and intentionality that you bring to your interactions.

What does that mean?

If my intention is to get my way, manipulate a certain outcome, put you down, or be right — then I can use words that sound like the four components — observation, feeling, need, and request — but it wouldn’t be NVC at all!

If your intention is to foster connection and you have a willingness to work toward mutually beneficial solutions, then the specific words you use become secondary.

The framework supports the consciousness of connection, and makes it more likely to fulfill that intention.

The tools help you be more skillful.

But without the consciousness, the tools can become a subtle form of manipulation — which would make it something other than NVC. So the consciousness is primary and fundamental.

NVC also consists of some principles and key differentiations.

One of the most important key differentiations in NVC is that between needs and strategies.

Needs vs. Strategies in NVC

Defining Needs

When Dr. Marshall Rosenberg tried to identify — in a way that applies to all humans — what drives and motivates us in our core, he adopted the language of Universal Human Needs.

Discussing needs in this way was not unique to Marshall Rosenberg: other prominent authors who have discussed Universal Human Needs include American psychologist Abraham Maslow and Chilean economist Manfred Max-Neef, both of whom Dr. Rosenberg cited in live workshops I attended.

Universal Human Needs include, but also transcend, survival needs, such as air, food, water, clothing, and shelter. They also include love, trust, self-expression, autonomy, safety, and so forth. Here is a list of universal needs to get you started.

In my 20s, during a break in a workshop, I went up to Marshall Rosenberg and told him I was confused about needs. “Could you give me another definition?” I requested.

“Needs are how Life is showing up in this moment, in you, in me, and in each person,” was his response.

So when we refer to NVC as a language of life, we’re referring to a language of needs.

Furthermore, needs are energies that want to flow, not holes to be filled. They are what’s alive, and are therefore dynamic.
Needs are the conditions necessary for any human being to thrive, regardless of geographic location or cultural background.

Needs can be seen as core human motivators — that which impels us to speak or act.

Because needs are universal, they never refer to a specific person, location, action, time, or object — those would be strategies.

Strategies as distinguished from Needs

Strategies are very important because they are the ways we go about meeting needs.

For any set of needs there could be multiple strategies that could fulfill those needs!

Again: needs are universal; strategies are the specific ways we try to meet needs.

Safety is a universal need. Owning a gun is a strategy. Banning guns is also a strategy.

People who advocate for either of these strategies are similarly attempting to meet the need for safety — they disagree on how to achieve it.

Guns are Strategies, Not Needs

Owning one or more firearms would be a strategy that could be in the service of a wide variety of needs, such as safety, autonomy, power, and even belonging! But owning a gun is not a need in an NVC sense!

We get in trouble when we don’t differentiate needs and strategies, because we can come to believe that that strategy is the only way my needs will be met. (You can see this often in intimate relationships — but it happens in all areas of life!)

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg used to emphasize that conflict happens at the level of strategies, not at the level of needs.

When we distill the essence of any conflict to the underlying needs, then it’s easier to see each others’ humanity.

By focusing on the underlying needs, we can then, together, explore the strategies that could meet the most needs.

We can get stuck in opposition to each other when we stay focused solely on the strategies.

NVC helps us to depolarize entrenched debates by identifying the shared underlying human needs first. This shared understanding about each other’s needs is more likely to lead to productive conversations about strategies that can be mutually agreeable.

Hypothetical Example at the family level:

After a neighbor’s house was broken into, a father purchases a pistol for home defense.

His daughter, frightened by school shootings, wants all guns banned.

Both have a need for safety, but their strategies diverge.

NVC gives us the path with the highest probability of finding creative solutions that honor both needs!

Protective Use of Force vs. Punitive Use of Force in NVC

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg distinguished between protective use of force and punitive use of force.

Protective use of force means using force with only the intention to protect life. Sometimes this means preventing imminent harm.

Punitive use of force means using force with the intention to punish others.

There is an entire chapter titled “The Protective Use of Force” in the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, which you can find here. (This chapter goes deeper into these distinctions.)

(These distinctions also bring up the differentiation between force and violence.)

From an NVC lens, the most effective gun control policies would prioritize protective force — focused on preventing harm — rather than punitive force, which aims to punish those who disagree.

This refers to the force of the law: creating laws and policies that set the societal parameters within which legal gun ownership exists.

What about the potentially deadly force of firearms?

Again, from an NVC lens, guns would only be used with the clear intention of protecting life and never as a way of hurting, punishing, or killing people we perceive as bad.

This begs the question of education for gun owners.

Firearms Education

Firearms education is much more than learning how to safely operate a firearm.

In the United States you must pass both a written test and a driving test in order to operate a motor vehicle legally.

When it comes to deadly force weapons, we are far less stringent.

Gun education aligned with NVC would emphasize, at a minimum, the distinctions discussed above between punitive and protective uses of force!

In essence, protective use of force is used only as a last resort when all other alternatives have been exhausted. This requires us to examine clear-headedly whether indeed all other possibilities have been explored and discarded, or if we are merely in a crisis of imagination!

The Problem with the Lack of Gun Control in the U.S.

U.S. gun culture has a complex history.

The U.S. has the highest rate of civilian gun ownership, and the highest rate of gun violence of any high-income nation.

The United States has a legacy of mass shootings and school shootings that is unparalleled by any other country.

These are facts you can find online, not moralistic judgments!

The challenge is to look deeper — what unmet needs are driving the views and choices of various perspectives in U.S. society?

Here are a couple of lists of needs driving either gun ownership or gun control advocacy, in the United States:
Needs Driving Increased Gun Ownership

• Safety (personal and family protection)
• Autonomy (resisting perceived government overreach)
• Belonging (cultural identity tied to gun ownership)

Needs Driving Gun Control Advocacy

• Safety (protection from mass shootings)
• Trust (confidence in public safety systems)
• Predictability (clear rules about who can own firearms)

Again: focusing on strategies before connecting with the deeper needs will get us stuck in entrenched opposition!

I wish I or one of my colleagues could facilitate a session with legislators from different sides of the aisle where they could deeply understand the underlying needs before even thinking about formulating policy!

It would then become much easier to craft gun legislation that met most if not all the needs!

My colleague Miki Kashtan developed such a facilitation process based on NVC called Convergent Facilitation, which she and others have used to help many groups get un-stuck, including a remarkable case in the Minnesota State Legislature. (You can see their case studies here.)

Why One-Size-Fits-All Solutions Will Not Work

Needs are universal — they apply to all humans, in every region and from every culture.

Strategies, however, need to be tailored to and responsive to the specifics of their context.

A strategy that works in rural Montana probably won’t work in urban Chicago, and vice versa.

Sensible Gun Control: Learning from Other Countries

My intention in this section is not to offer a comprehensive comparison of global gun policies and their relative effectiveness.

Because strategies, such as laws and policies, need to be tailored to the locality and culture, and because the underlying needs driving our behaviors are universal, I think a couple of examples can suffice.

High Gun Ownership, Low Gun Deaths: Switzerland

Switzerland has high rates of gun ownership but low rates of gun violence due to comprehensive training, licensing, and cultural norms of responsibility. You can learn more here and here.

Strict Gun Laws, Low Gun Deaths: Australia

In 1996, after a mass shooting, Australia implemented strict gun laws which resulted in a significant shift in gun culture and a substantial reduction of firearm-related deaths.

Even so, they continue to struggle with how to find the balance between differing sets of expectations in the culture. You can learn more about gun culture and related laws in Australia here and here.

The point is not that the U.S. should apply this strategy or that strategy. Understanding what has been done in other places can help us overcome the crisis of imagination and inform what might be possible.

What NVC Teaches Us

Rather than copying strategies, NVC encourages us to identify the needs each country’s system addresses. Then, we can creatively design strategies tailored to national, regional, and local needs and culture.

We can ask: what needs are U.S. policies currently meeting — and failing to meet?

Let’s recognize that Universal Human Needs drive every perspective of the gun control issue in the U.S. — so that we can begin a process of deeper listening that is more likely to lead to mutually agreeable solutions.

Finding an NVC-Aligned Approach to Gun Safety in the United States

We can find a shared approach in the United States that honors both gun rights and gun safety. NVC gives us important avenues for achieving that goal!

Honoring the 2nd Amendment and the Needs Behind It

The 2nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is actually quite short! Here it is in its entirety:

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”

That’s it — one sentence.

However, interpretations of the 2nd Amendment and decades of case law are not so simple!

I personally know many advocates of gun rights and fans of the 2nd Amendment. Their views are not monolithic, and they do not agree on every detail.

But overall, I think advocates of gun rights have needs for autonomy, power, and self-reliance. I also believe they have needs for safety and protection — sometimes from crime and sometimes in relation to their idea of protecting themselves from a tyrannical government. These needs are, of course, legitimate, and we need to see them as separate from specific strategies, many of which I view as harmful.

We don’t have to agree on strategies to honor each other’s needs.

Honoring Needs for Safety and Trust

My social circles probably have a greater number people who would like stricter gun laws. Even among them, views on gun control are not monolithic. Gun control advocates have differing views as well.

I imagine one of their greatest needs is safety, along with predictability and harmony. These needs are also equally legitimate.

The common ground I see from my vantage point is safety, and when both sides can acknowledge the shared need for safety, collaboration will become more possible.

Collaborative Policy Process

Inspired by Convergent Facilitation’s case studies (and in particular this one, communities could convene dialogue processes that include gun owners, survivors, law enforcement, and legislators — surfacing needs and co- creating policy.

Ultimately, this could be done at the state and national levels as well.

To paraphrase Miki Kashtan (as inspired by Marshall Rosenberg),
when solutions emerge from everyone’s needs being heard, they are far more likely to be embraced and effective.

NVC and Gun Control: A Both/And Approach

The goal is not to “win” the gun control debate — it is to meet
more needs for more people.

NVC offers a path forward: listening for the universal human needs beneath polarized positions, and creatively crafting collaborative strategies.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on Guns

Dr. Rosenberg is who taught me the principle that when we are connected, we are more likely to be able to arrive at mutually beneficial outcomes.

It was from him that I learned these distinctions between protective and punitive uses of force.

Having come from a pacifist family, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s words stuck with me: the ideal Nonviolent society would still have a police and a military — but their role would be protective use of force, never punitive.

Puddledancer Press Books on Social Issues

PuddleDancer Press is the foremost proponent and publisher of books on Nonviolent Communication and social issues.

NVC has shown time and again that human beings are capable of arriving at mutually crafted solutions.

Because of the trust-building process involved, and the fact that the solutions include everyone’s buy-in, using NVC for social issues — including gun control — predictably gives us outcomes that meet a greater number of needs and are more durable.

Our books on social issues can help you:

• Create exceptional personal and professional relationships,
• Offer compassionate understanding to others,
• Know when and how to ask for that same understanding for yourself,
• Prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts,
• Speak your truth in a clear, powerful way more likely to lead to harmony than conflict,
• Create mutual understanding without coercion.

Whether you are a long-time student — or are brand new to NVC — PuddleDancer Press has the educational resources, including the books on social issues, to help you grow your emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, and communication prowess.

Check out our catalog of books on social issues… and give yourself the gift of Compassionate Communication!