Understanding Nonviolent Communication and the Pursuit of Happiness
By Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer
NVC provides us with the most effective tools to foster health and relationships.
— Anthony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within and Unlimited Power.
Introduction
In present times digital interactions often replace face-to-face conversations. Despite this, the quality of our communication has a profound impact on our personal well-being and the health of our relationships.
Misunderstandings often can and do escalate quickly, especially digitally, leading to conflicts that strain connections with friends, family, and colleagues.
In this context, Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is powerful for bridging gaps, fostering empathy, and enhancing your pursuit of happiness.
Developed by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D. starting in the 1960s, NVC is more than a method of speaking — it’s a new paradigm for relating that promotes compassion, understanding, and effective, long-lasting outcomes.
NVC teaches you how to connect with yourself and others at a deeper level by recognizing and addressing universal human needs. NVC not only improves interpersonal dynamics but also contributes to a more fulfilling and happy life.
This article delves into the principles of NVC, the importance of universal human needs, and how mutually co-created strategies can lead to personal and collective thriving.
We’ll also explore some additional perspectives to question whether the pursuit of happiness makes sense as a goal or if there are more meaningful aspirations worth considering.
What Is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
Nonviolent Communication has a purpose, a core intention, and is comprised of a set of tools that you can become skilled at for your own interpersonal effectiveness.
The purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection out of which people are more likely to enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being, and to find solutions of mutual benefit.
The core intention is to connect authentically, which facilitates resolving our differences without coercion or violence, and finding mutually satisfying outcomes.
The tools: NVC offers you three “tool-boxes” in the areas of (1) self-connection, (2) empathy, (3) honesty. Here is a brief definition of each:
Self-connection helps you regulate your nervous system and get clear about what you’re feeling, needing, and wanting.
Empathy helps you receive difficult-to-hear messages in a way that you can connect with the other person’s values and needs. As a result, you are less defensive, able to stand in a more compassionate place, and are more likely to defuse any potential conflicts.
Honesty, in NVC, is expressing yourself authentically, in a way that is most likely to result in connection rather than conflict. This is also most likely to lead to your needs being met in harmony with the needs of others.
A skillful NVC practitioner moves between these three areas — honesty, empathy, self-connection — with ease and fluidity, as needed, in order to create connection and find mutually satisfying outcomes.
Each of these three areas contains the four components of NVC: observation, feeling, need, and request.
Here is a quick run-down of the four components:
The Four Components of Nonviolent Communication
1.Observations Without Judgments
Pure observation is the highest form of intelligence.
— J. Krishnamurti, philosopher, author, speaker.
NVC teaches you to observe situations objectively without adding evaluations, judgments, or interpretations.
This means stating the facts in as neutral a way as possible, free from labels or generalizations.
For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” an observation might be, “During our conversation yesterday, you were looking at your phone while I was speaking.” We will continue this example below and add each subsequent component as we look at it.
Why It Matters: Observations without judgments reduce the possibility of the listener becoming defensive. This lays a neutral foundation for dialogue by establishing what it is that we are both talking about.
2. Identifying, Listening for, and Expressing Feelings
When something is happening in your car, an indicator lights up on the dashboard: “too hot!” or “need fuel!”…
— feelings are like that.
Feelings are indicators letting you know that something is happening that requires your attention. That something is usually at the level of your needs.
For example, when your need for connection is met, you have certain feelings. When your need for connection is not met, you have other feelings. The same is true for safety, love, trust, and so on.
Without a robust vocabulary for feelings, you simply know that something is happening, but you might have a hard time naming it, let alone communicating it.
If my friend tells me she feels bummed I have a certain sense of what that means. With a greater understanding of feelings I can inquire whether she means sad, disappointed, disheartened, discouraged, or something else. This level of nuance gives us more understanding and connection.
Here is the example, continued from above, with the feeling expressed.
“During our conversation yesterday, you were looking at your phone while I was speaking, and I felt some disappointment.”
Why It Matters: Being tuned in to your feelings allows you to be more clear inside, and more honest with others. Sharing feelings honestly creates closeness, encourages empathy, builds trust, and allows others to understand the emotional impact of their actions.
3. Recognizing Universal Human Needs
Behind every feeling there is one or more needs. Identifying these needs is important and valuable because they are the driving force behind our emotions, words, and actions.
Because all human beings share the same needs, they can become a powerful point of connection.
Here is the example, continued from above, this time adding the need:
“During our conversation yesterday, you were looking at your phone while I was speaking. I felt some disappointment because I wanted to feel connected to you while we talked.”
(Advanced practitioners will notice that I’m emphasizing informal NVC here. Going deeply into the distinction between formal and informal NVC is unfortunately beyond the scope of this article.)
Why It Matters: Recognizing needs is more likely to shift the focus from blame to understanding. It highlights what is important to the speaker in a way that the listener can connect with.
4. Making Clear, Actionable Requests
Requests are a way to take responsibility for what you want by asking for it clearly.
Requests are differentiated from demands. In a demand, no is not an option! In a true NVC request the other person’s needs matter to me, equally to my own needs, so I can receive a no with as much love as a yes.
An NVC request has four criteria in order to be actionable. It must be (1) specific, (2) doable, (3) contain positive action language (what you want versus what you don’t want), and (4) be present — meaning, how the person can respond now.
Here is the example, continued from above, now with the request: “During our conversation yesterday, you were looking at your phone while I was speaking. I felt some disappointment because I wanted to feel connected to you while we talked. Could you agree to put your phone away when we’re talking and connecting?”
Why It Matters: The number one reason our needs are not met is unclear requests. Rather than expecting the other person to magically know what you want, clear requests provide a pathway for change and cooperation. Requests move the conversation from expression to resolution.
NVC Consciousness
If your intention is to be right, get your way, or manipulate a specific outcome then it is not NVC, no matter how skilled you are at identifying, listening for, or expressing observations, feelings, needs, and requests in the three areas of self-connection, empathy, and honesty.
There is no level of skill with the tools that would make it NVC if the consciousness is not there.
The consciousness and intentionality of NVC is to create high quality connection — and from there identify what would meet both peoples’ needs.
Forgetting this, or losing the intention, could lead to a subtle form of manipulation or trying to have the upper hand — which is not NVC at all!
NVC is comprised of the tools and the intention — both!
The Purpose of NVC
As stated above, the purpose of NVC is to create a high quality of connection. From this place of connectedness, you and others more easily co-create mutually satisfying outcomes.
Enhancing Empathy and Understanding
NVC encourages empathy and what is known as “active listening.” By focusing on feelings and needs we become more attuned to what the other person is experiencing, fostering the deeper connection we’re looking for.
Fostering Trust and Authentic Connection
Trust grows when we are authentic — real — with each other. When we connect with honesty and empathy, the connection deepens and trust is built. Everything about NVC moves us in the direction of building trust and strengthening relationships.
Universal Human Needs: The Key to Thriving
At the heart of NVC is the concept of universal human needs. These needs are shared by all people, regardless of culture, race, or socioeconomic status. They are the essential elements required for human survival and flourishing.
Defining Universal Human Needs
Universal Human Needs can be defined in a few ways. These multiple definitions, below, are useful in the sense that they give you different angles or perspectives from which to consider what we mean by needs in NVC.
Needs are:
• how Life is showing up in this very moment, in me, in you, in any person.
• the conditions necessary for life to thrive in any human being, regardless of culture or geographic location. They include survival needs but can be more accurately thought of as thrival needs — for example, love, belonging, autonomy, understanding, creativity, meaning, and so on.
• core human motivators — that which impels us to speak or act in any moment. Any time a person speaks or acts it is in the service of one or more needs, whether they are aware of it or not! • universal, in the sense that all humans share them.
• energies that want to flow, not holes to be filled.
These needs are constants in human life. While strategies to meet these needs may vary widely across different cultures and individuals, the needs themselves remain the same. Here is a list to get you started.
Needs vs. Strategies
One of the most important distinctions in NVC is between needs and strategies.
Needs, as described above, are fundamental requirements for well-being, universal to all humans.
Strategies, on the other hand, are the specific ways we fulfill those needs, and by definition are not universal.
For example:
Need: Connection
Potential Strategies: Texting a friend, joining a meetup group, engaging in social media, or initiating a repair conversation with a loved one.
Need: Safety
Potential Strategies: Installing an expensive alarm system, carrying a gun, staying home and never going out, building a sense of community with your neighbors.
In each of these two examples above, the need can be fulfilled through a wide variety of strategies.
Conflicts often arise you get attached to a specific strategy rather than focusing on the underlying needs.
By identifying the needs, you can open up a range of possible strategies to fulfill it, increasing the likelihood of finding mutually satisfying solutions.
The Impact of Met and Unmet Needs,
When our needs are unfulfilled, we experience so-called negative feelings such as frustration, anger, sadness, anxiety, and so forth.
Prolonged periods of unmet needs can lead to stress, decreased life satisfaction, and strained relationships.
Emotional Well-Being: Acknowledging and addressing our needs promotes emotional health.
Relationship Dynamics: Understanding others’ needs improves empathy and reduces conflicts.
Personal Growth: Recognizing your needs encourages self- awareness and personal development, thereby increasing life satisfaction.
Mutually Co-Created Strategies for Fulfillment
Sometimes you can simply satisfy your own needs.
However, it can be easy to fall into the trap of the rugged
individualist, and think all needs involve only self-sufficiency.
Even beyond needs around connection and interdependence — many of our needs are met in a way that involves other people. This points to the immense value of developing the skills NVC gives you to collaborate and co-create strategies that consider everyone’s needs.
Collaborative Problem-Solving
Collaborative problem-solving is about working together to find solutions that satisfy all parties involved.
Here are some simple principles you can follow:
Principles for Collaboration:
– Equality: All participants have an equal voice. This is different than everyone having the same knowledge, skills, or even structural power around decision-making — because in some situations this is simply not the case or is impractical. However, it’s enormously valuable to make space for everyone’s voice to be heard and considered. This is as true in parenting as in the workplace and other contexts.
– Consideration: You can also think of this as respectfulness. Not everyone’s needs will be met all the time. But each person’s needs and perspectives are valued and considered.
– Openness: This is the willingness to take in new ideas and approaches. NVC does not ask you to let go of your needs or to give in to others’ needs. But NVC does ask, from a place of connection to needs, that you be open to other possible strategies.
When it comes time to problem-solve collaboratively, keep the above principles in mind.
Empathy in Action
Empathy is a need that is met when you are deeply understood by another.
Colloquially we say “giving empathy” — but technically, we don’t give empathy. What you are actually doing is giving the other person your complete presence — respectfully, compassionately — and as a result, their need for empathy is met.
Co-creating mutually beneficial strategies involves honesty and empathy.
Here are some principles to consider for the empathy side of co- creation and collaboration:
Listening to Understand rather than to Respond:
– Presence: Give the other person your complete presence and attention. This not only demonstrates good will and consideration, it also models for others how they can behave toward you. And it makes you more likely to understand before responding.
– Reflection: If you think it would be reassuring to the other person, or if you’re not entirely sure what they said, it can be helpful to paraphrase back to the other person what you understood. This is a way of checking it out with them in order to confirm understanding.
– Clarification: The opposite of judgment could be curiosity. If you’re not sure about something, you can ask clarifying questions. If it makes sense to explore more deeply, you can ask open- ended questions.
The four components of the NVC Model apply to honesty as well as to empathy. I want to understand — and for the other person to trust that I understood — their observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
Empathy helps the other person feel heard. This builds trust, which opens the door to deeper interactions. Trust and connection create the conditions to transform potential conflicts into opportunities for mutually satisfying outcomes.
Practical Steps to Co-Creation
Keeping the above in mind, here are some concrete steps to consider when you want to co-create with someone in a way that can lead to a mutually satisfying result.
1. Set Clear Intentions
Establish a shared intention with a mindset of aiming for mutual understanding and satisfaction.
2. Communicate Openly
Express yourself from the heart and invite others to do the same. The four components could function as a sort of checklist so that you don’t leave anything out, but the important part is the vulnerability and sincerity. As others express themselves, give them your full listening presence.
3. Find Common Ground
Identify shared needs and values. This common ground then serves as a foundation for co-created solutions.
4. Stay Flexible on the Strategies
Rather than ever giving up on your needs, be willing to have them be met in novel ways. If you are willing to consider multiple possible strategies that meet all the needs you’ve identified in Step 3, a mutually satisfying outcome is more likely.
5. Make Action-Oriented
Agreements and Stick to Them
Be clear on who is agreeing to what, how, and by when. This could include specific steps and responsibilities for each person involved. Ask what-if questions to cover what happens in the case of contingencies or lack of follow through. Remember that renegotiating an agreement is different than breaking an agreement. Because my memory is imperfect, I have found it useful to write down agreements and check that the write-up represents what we are both agreeing to.
6. Follow Up
Check in regularly, or as needed, to ensure that the agreed-upon strategies are still meeting everyone’s needs. Create openings for revisiting needs and strategies so that everyone feels included and to ensure ongoing buy-in.
7. Celebrate the Positive Results of Co-Creation
Be sure to connect with gratitude for having co-created a mutually satisfying agreement and, when the time is right, celebrate the fruits of your work together.
Rethinking Happiness: Is It the Right Goal?
The pursuit of happiness is often seen as a fundamental human endeavor.
However, various philosophical and psychological perspectives suggest that happiness, as commonly understood, may not be the ultimate goal.
Let’s look at some other views for perspective and reflection. Below we’ll take a look at two, one ancient and one modern: Buddhism and The Human Potential Movement.
The Buddhist Perspective on Happiness
Marshall Rosenberg cited Buddhism as an important influence in his thinking as he developed Nonviolent Communication.
Buddhism offers a unique viewpoint on happiness, emphasizing the impermanent nature of worldly pleasures and the role of attachment in suffering and unhappiness.
There are many schools of Buddhism. For some people it is a religion, for others it is a philosophy, and yet for others it is a practice. This level of depth and nuance is beyond the scope of this article, so I will keep the discussion below at a fairly basic level.
Remember, we’re looking at this for the sake of adding another perspective to our discussion on happiness, in order to illuminate further possibilities.
The Four Noble Truths:
One of the basic teachings of the man we call the Buddha, is known as The Four Noble Truths. Here they are, in brief:
1. The universality of suffering (dukkha). Possibly overstated in the translation, this principle simply identifies that life consistently involves dissatisfaction and discontent. In NVC terms, it could be expressed as the fact that throughout life we will experience many moments of unmet needs, and that this is a normal and expected condition of human life on Earth.
2. The origin of suffering (samudaya). The idea is that dissatisfaction and discontent arises, not so much from desire, but from attachment to the objects of desire. In NVC terms, this shows up when we fail to distinguish between needs and strategies. When you think a specific strategy is the only way your needs will be met, it’s easy to get attached to that strategy. When that specific strategy doesn’t happen or work, then you feel the “negative” feelings related to discontent and dissatisfaction. Despite the above seeming simple, it’s very easy for the human mind to get attached to something different than what is.
3. The cessation of suffering (nirodha). This principle states that by remaining unattached — meaning mentally and emotionally balanced or equanimous — this will alleviate dissatisfaction and discontent. Because it’s so easy for the mind to get attached, achieving non-attachment could also include other strategies for spiritual growth that complement NVC. In NVC terms, personal growth and development approaches are still strategies that either do or don’t contribute to your needs. Meditation would be one example and the work of Byron Katie would be another.
4. The entire path of liberation (magga — translated at times as “the path to cessation”). This principle connects the first three in a narrative arc. Stated in NVC-influenced terms: by accepting the universality of unmet needs, learning how it is that we become discontented and dissatisfied, and learning how we can be present, in the now, and stay connected to the needs — whether or not they are met in this moment and in the way we wanted … this constitutes a pathway to liberation from discontentment and dissatisfaction.
A couple more principles from Buddhism to round out our discussion:
– Impermanence: This means recognizing that all experiences and material possessions are transient. In NVC terms, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg stated that a life-alienated, life-disconnected approach to life and relationships — the opposite of NVC — involved static thinking and language. On the other hand, NVC is a process language, recognizing that life is dynamic. Things are always moving and changing, phenomena in the manifest world are impermanent, and it is therefore silly and/or hazardous to get attached, which leads to the next principle.
– Non-Attachment: Your needs are more likely to be fulfilled — you will ultimately be a more contented or satisfied human being — to the extent that you are able to let go of clinging to specific desires, outcomes, and strategies.
Implications for Happiness:
– Contentment Over Pleasure: Your long-term fulfillment is more likely by seeking a stable state of contentment rather than fleeting happiness. Our fast-paced social media culture conditions us to pay attention to the latest shiny object, and this pursuit of short- term micro-happiness can undermine long-term, deep and stable fulfillment.
– Mindfulness: This state of stable contentment is more likely if you can train yourself to be present and fully engaged in the current moment. This is simple, but more easily said than done! Nevertheless, the path is the destination. Consistent practice over time helps you be ever more mindful and live in the present. And needs are alive now, in the present!
If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, then eternal life belongs to those who live in the present.
– Ludwig Wittgenstein, philosopher, 1889-1951
Happiness vs. Fulfillment
– Chasing Happiness:
As implied above, short-term happiness usually relies on external goals or circumstances. Focusing on extrinsic rather than intrinsic fulfillment easily leads to a cycle of temporary satisfaction, which predictably results in disappointment because conditions constantly change.
– Focusing on Need Fulfillment:
Focusing on what is most deeply important, as NVC trains you to do, centers on internal states and universal human needs. This is more likely to lead to a sustained sense of well-being and life satisfaction. Paying attention to intrinsic rather than extrinsic fulfillment additionally relies on and supports personal growth and self-awareness.
Shifting the Paradigm:
– From External to Internal: This shift means recognizing that long-lasting well-being comes from within. This is not to deny that we also live in a material world in which we must eat and have housing. Nor is it to ignore that we are interrelated and interdependent, and that relationships are one of our deepest sources of learning and joy. It is simply a shift of emphasis with regard to the locus of needs-fulfillment.
– From Outcome to Process: This means valuing the journey of personal development over specific outcomes or achievements. This is not to say that achievements don’t provide deep satisfaction, or that specific outcomes don’t contribute to others in order to alleviate suffering. Rather, it’s, again, a shift in emphasis from ever believing that you have arrived (which never happens) and recognizing that life’s dynamic nature offers us ongoing opportunities for learning and growing.
The Human Potential Movement
Emerging in the 1960s, the Human Potential Movement focuses on realizing the innate capabilities of individuals.
Key Concepts:
– Self-Actualization: This refers to achieving your full potential and expressing your true self. Most of us are capable of much more than the culture conditions us to believe.
– Personal Growth: This means continuous development of personal skills and self-awareness. You can never outgrow learning and growing!
– Holistic Well-Being: This involves integrating all levels of your being. In simplified terms you can think of it as integrating mind, body, and spirit.
Some Influential Figures in The Human Potential Movement:
– Abraham Maslow: He proposed the hierarchy of needs culminating in self-actualization. There is credible reporting that Maslow had been working on a pinnacle beyond self-actualization which he expressed as self-transcendence.
– Carl Rogers: He emphasized the importance of unconditional positive regard, empathy, and authentic self-expression. He was Marshall Rosenberg’s teacher in Humanistic Psychology.
Both Abraham Maslow and Carl Rogers were key influences in Marshall Rosenberg’s thinking, leading to the creation of Nonviolent Communication.
Connection to NVC:
– Alignment of Needs: Both NVC and the Human Potential Movement stress the importance of understanding and fulfilling universal human needs.
– Emphasis on Growth: Both NVC and the Human Potential Movement encourage individuals to develop communication skills that foster personal and relational growth.
NVC has three areas of focus: honesty (or authentic self- expression), empathy (how we listen with compassionate presence), and self-connection (which includes self-empathy).
Though all three of these areas work together, this third one in particular provides positive challenge, psychological relief, and a great amount of interior growth for practitioners of Nonviolent Communication. We will look at this in the next section.
Applying NVC Principles in Daily Life
Integrating NVC into your every-day interactions can transform your relationships and enhance your personal well-being.
Keep in mind that there is an important difference between having a tool and being skillful with a tool.
Perhaps the most important element to building up your skills, so that you can successfully implement NVC in daily life, is practice!
Self-Connection Practices
Know Thyself
— Inscription carved into the entrance of the Temple of Apollo at Delphi.
Self-connection is the foundation to communicating effectively with others! This includes knowing what you’re feeling, needing, and wanting as well as being aware of when you’re operating from a story, interpretation, or narrative.
Below are some practices you can incorporate into your life to increase and enhance your self-connection
Mindfulness and Emotional Awareness:
– Meditation: There are many kinds of meditation! Some forms of meditation aim to help you calm down and relax. Some help you strengthen the witnessing part of your mind so that you get less caught up in emotional reactions and can observe them dispassionately. Other practices help you increase your awareness of thoughts and feelings. You may need to explore different techniques to see what resonates the most for you — but the bottom line is that regular practice will help you be less reactive and more self-connected. One practice I have personally benefitted from is the Vipassana tradition you can find here — but my main recommendation is that you explore different approaches until you find the right fit for you.
– Body Scans: In NVC we recognize the intimate connection between physical sensations and feelings. On a practical level, expressing your sensations can have the same connecting effect as expressing a feeling. For example, if I say to someone “my heart is beating really fast right now,” they’ll have a sense of my experience, especially based on the given context. Many of my emotional reactions are usually preceded by sensations in the body. For example, before I feel overwhelmed, sometimes I can sense a rush of sensations in my upper back; or before I experience anger, I can sense tension in my belly or pressure in my chest. Regular body scans help you feel more connected to your body, and paying attention to physical sensations can help you identify your feelings more readily.
Journaling:
– Reflection: Journaling as a form of self-reflection — writing about your daily experiences, for example — can be a great way to explore feelings and needs. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg said that, as he was developing NVC, he wrote in a journal every evening. He would write down interactions that did not go as well as he would have wished, and then wrote about what he could have done differently for the interaction to have gone better. He claimed that this aided him immensely in developing both NVC and his own practice with it.
– A Gratitude Journal: There is a proverb that says, it is not happy people who are grateful, but grateful people who are happy. Gratitude appears to be a key to living a happy life. In my personal experience this works in multiple ways. One of my coaches used to say, “what you appreciate appreciates” — in the sense of it increases in value. In other words, by focusing on gratitude I generate more of that for which I am grateful. Another way I have found this to work is that it’s a way of “tuning my antennas.” When I focus on the things I have not yet accomplished, or keep my attention only on my unmet needs, that tends to occupy most of what I am aware of. Then my energy is lower and it is easy to feel more depressed. With a focus on gratitude, I’m not in denial about the things that are hard, but I’m able to notice all that is good and that is working. And, again, this tends to generate more of that. During the time I was around him, Marshall Rosenberg described a daily gratitude practice he had. Every morning he would draw a flower and think of one thing for which he was grateful.
Self-Compassion
– Empathic Self-Understanding: An important foundation for self-compassion is connecting to what needs underly your words and behavior. This is especially valuable when you can translate self-judgments into feelings and needs, which segues into the next point.
– Kindness to Self: Many of us are reflexively kind toward others but hold ourselves to a higher standard, and our inner critic is harsh. If this describes you, “kindness to self” implies treating yourself with the same compassion you offer to others. I’ve taught my inner critic to speak NVC, and I am much happier for it! By connecting with yourself compassionately you conserve more energy, preserve positive self esteem, and can harvest the lessons you want to learn much more so than if you treat yourself in ways that lead to guilt, shame, or depression.
– Self-Acceptance: This means embracing all aspects of yourself without judgment. This is sometimes confused with complacency, or blindly thinking you are done learning and growing. It simply means acknowledging where you are, and loving yourself anyway. This is quite simple, but because of conditioning, not always easy. This is why all these self- connection practices can work together and reinforce each other.
Enhancing Relationships with NVC
NVC is designed to improve communication and deepen your relationships!
Let’s look at some of the ways it does this:
Transforming Conflicts:
– Seeing Conflict as Opportunity: Once you accept that conflict is an unavoidable part of life on planet Earth, then the question becomes how do we best support conflict toward a positive resolution? Many of us are conflict avoidant, and understandably so. When we don’t have the skills for handling conflict well, the stakes are higher. Skillfulness begets confidence. When you have the skills for knowing what to do and how to handle conflict, you don’t shy away from it as much, and it is easier to view disagreements as opportunities for deepening connection. NVC gives you these skills — but not magically! It happens through support and practice.
– De-escalation: All three areas of NVC practice — self- connection, empathic listening, and vulnerable honesty — help to reduce tension, especially when used together. The core intention of NVC — to create connection — along with skillful use of the tools, contributes to de-escalation efforts. We can do this in everyday life, and my wish is that more people in power saw the potential of applying these tools to larger conflicts.
Building Trust Through Honest Expression:
Another way you can use NVC to enhance your relationships is by keeping it real.
If you are not real and authentic, then… are you truly in relationship?
Here are a couple of principles to consider:
– Transparency: I have a friend who is honest with me, not only when she knows it could be uncomfortable for me to hear, but especially then! This has created a foundation of enormous trust! I know I can rely on her to tell me how it really is for her. And I have found it incredibly inspiring! I’ve since decided that I want to be that person for the people in my life — I want the people around me to trust that they don’t have to guess. I want them to know they can count on me to tell them what is true for me. By sharing what is true for you — openly and with kindness — you will find that your connections deepen.
– Reliability: The foundation of relationships is trust. What happens when someone consistently does not do what they say? We stop believing them, and eventually we stop asking. Break trust and you will ruin your relationships. The opposite is also true. Only say yes when you truly mean it, and consistently follow through on your agreements. And remember that renegotiating an agreement is different than breaking it.
Trust is like topsoil: it can be eroded very fast, and can take a long time to build back up. Transparency and reliability are important factors in establishing and maintaining trust.
Active Listening Skills:
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg sometimes defined empathy as a respectful understanding or a compassionate understanding.
The most important part of empathic listening is that the other person trusts that they were heard and understood.
Below are a couple of tips, but I share them with a caution: context is very important, especially cultural context.
– Eye Contact: In the Western cultures with which I am familiar, eye contact demonstrates attention and respect. However, this is not true for all people or all cultures. For some of us, visual input can be distracting, and closing our eyes, or even gazing away can help us be more present. So experiment with this one. Notice habits of discomfort that make you look away. Many of us could probably offer more eye contact than we do, for the purpose of supporting connection, by reassuring the other person that we are with them.
– Non-Verbal Cues: Understanding body language can be extremely valuable. Sometimes this varies person to person, and it will be helpful to be sensitive to the context. Sometimes body- language is influenced by the culture in which someone grew up. Nevertheless: pay attention! Non-verbal cues offer a lot of information, and will help you be more tuned in and connected.
The Path to Personal and Collective Thriving
The positive impacts of Nonviolent Communication extend beyond an individual’s interior life and personal relationships. NVC has the potential to impact communities and society as a whole — which in turn also has a positive effect on the individual.
Building a Compassionate Community
In May 2023 the US Surgeon General declared that the United States has been undergoing a “loneliness epidemic.”
“Even before the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, approximately half of U.S. adults reported experiencing measurable levels of loneliness.” (Source)
In pre-modern times we had the extended family. Modern times gave us the so-called nuclear family — a historically recent social institution which, while giving people more autonomy, has also contributed to a greater experience of isolation.
Additionally, our information environment is broken. People get news from sources, in themselves so far apart, that it appears that we live in alternate realities. Social media algorithms only exacerbate the problem, siloing people by feeding them more of the same.
Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit and, increasingly, work and social life migrated online, adding to the sense of separation.
Clearly we need community — and NVC can help us ensure that community is also compassionate.
Community itself can look many different ways.
Whether it’s striking up a conversation with a stranger at the store, reaching out to get to know your neighbors, increasing your circle of friends and chosen family, or choosing to live in some form of intentional community — communities thrive when members practice empathy and vulnerable honesty, along with the shared intentions of cooperation and mutual aid.
Extending NVC Principles:
– Community Dialogue: One way to extend NVC principles could be to bring people together into facilitated open discussions regarding shared concerns — or attending such discussions convened and facilitated by others. My local library hosts monthly community conversations, for example. If yours doesn’t, perhaps you could be an initiating catalyst!
– Inclusive Decision-Making: By adopting NVC principles, people in positions of power in local organizations can ensure all voices are heard in community actions. This goes a long way to guarantee buy-in from the people most involved and affected!
Promoting Empathy in Workplaces:
– Collaborative Leadership: Leaders, even with structural power, can shun authoritarian, power-over approaches, and embrace an approach of power-with. A work environment that is more supportive becomes a desirable place to work, thereby able to attract better talent. Collaborative leadership also translates into less stress and more enjoyment while doing better work!
– Team Building: Using NVC in team interactions translates to a more connected team and improves collaboration. People generally enjoy working with people with whom they feel connected, and this enjoyment means more enthusiasm, reduced withholding of necessary information, and less foot-dragging.
Workplace NVC has unique constraints. For most people, the workplace is not somewhere they go to be emotionally intimate with others. So the key is enough connection so that the work can get done in a harmonious way. Enjoying your colleagues is a wonderful byproduct — and for some people, genuine friendships emerging from workplace relationships is a fulfilling potential.
Educational Settings:
– Teaching NVC: The principles from NVC can be incorporated in schools to help develop emotional intelligence in students, prevent conflicts, and reduce school violence. The most effective approaches I have seen start with the adults: we first train parents, teachers, administration, and other staff. This gives context and a supportive environment by the time you bring NVC to the students.
– Anti-Bullying Efforts: There is a common refrain that hurt people hurt people. In NVC we understand that bullying is a tragic expression of unmet needs. Empathy-based approaches address bullying at the level of root cause rather than continuously and ineffectively dealing with symptoms.
The Role of NVC in Global Well-Being
On a larger scale, NVC can contribute to addressing global challenges. Imagine how this would add to higher levels of happiness!
Conflict Resolution:
– International Diplomacy: The power of diplomats being genuinely connected is grossly underestimated. When diplomats humanize each other they negotiate more effectively. Applying NVC to diplomacy can significantly reduce international tensions.
– Peace-building Initiatives: Spreading NVC not only contributes to fostering peace. Grassroots movements are sometimes undermined by in-fighting, when members are not skilled in addressing their own conflicts.
Social Justice:
– Understanding Systemic Needs: We live with an inherited legacy of inequality. You can see my articles on NVC & Racism and on NVC and Reparations. In general, the systems and structures we have inherited were created to meet needs. However, they can sometimes function like a collar on a small puppy: possibly helpful at one point, but dangerously constraining once outgrown. Identifying the unmet needs that underlie social issues, and learning to create more life-serving systems and structures is more effective when it is NVC-informed. When groups working on these issues incorporate NVC, their organizational culture is more compassionate and is more effective at fostering overall buy-in.
– Empowering Marginalized Voices: One hallmark of what is called privilege — defined as unearned social advantage — is that it is often invisible to those who have it. “If it is not a problem for me then it is not a problem.” We can use NVC to connect with and help sensitize those with unearned social advantage, as well as to address the needs and amplify the voices of underrepresented groups.
Environmental Sustainability and Ecological Regeneration:
– Collective Action: In order to deal with global scale issues — climate change, species extinction, acidification of the oceans, and so many more — we will do better by developing high-level collaboration and cooperation skills. Humans’ needs are inseparable from the needs of the biosphere which we continue to harm at our own peril! We can do better, and NVC can help us collaborate more effectively on strategies for meeting the needs of both humans and the planet.
– Promoting Stewardship: Rather than lecturing or sermonizing, NVC helps you reach people where they’re at. It is through creating a connection that we are more likely to enroll people into a shared vision. NVC can help you include others and encourage a shared sense of responsibility for the well-being of nature and our environment.
Conclusion: NVC and the Pursuit of Happiness
Nonviolent Communication offers a new paradigm for human interaction that goes beyond mere words.
By integrating NVC into your life you embark on a journey toward greater self-awareness, stronger relationships, and a more compassionate world.
NVC empowers you to move beyond surface-level interactions, addressing the core of our shared humanity.
As you practice self-connection, honesty, and empathy, you not only enhance your own happiness but also contribute to collective well-being.
The pursuit of happiness, when rooted in the fulfillment of universal needs and enriched by genuine connections, becomes more attainable and sustainable.
Embracing NVC for a Fulfilling Life
By focusing on the intention to create a high quality of connection — along with the willingness to create mutually beneficial outcomes — you can develop high-level NVC skills to navigate conversations with clarity, power, and compassion.
This will both enhance your relationships as well as contribute to your personal fulfillment.
– Personal Growth: NVC encourages self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and a level of needs-fulfillment that goes beyond fleeting, superficial “happiness.”
– Improved Relationships: NVC helps you develop relationships based on mutual understanding, respect, and win-win outcomes. People interviewed on their death-bed express that their biggest joys and regrets center around their relationships!
– Contributing to a Better World: NVC can be applied effectively to leaving the world a better place than you found it! Positive social change becomes a more real possibility when you develop your NVC skills!
Next Steps for Beginners
If you are fairly new to NVC, the journey begins with small, intentional steps.
The most effective way I have found to ramp up your skills is to attend workshops or trainings offered by someone qualified, which most often is a CNVC Certified Trainer.
Here are some additional ideas for you to consider:
Practice Regularly:
– Start with Yourself: Use NVC to explore your own feelings and needs. When you have uncomfortable feelings or a judgmental thought, toward yourself or someone else, see if you can identify the underlying need.
– Apply NVC in Safe Settings: Practice with trusted friends or family members. This author offers a practice group and you can find more at the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website.
Seek Resources:
– Reading Materials: Explore books and articles on NVC to deepen your understanding. The PuddleDancer Press website has the most NVC books and articles in one place than anywhere else!
– Workshops and Seminars: Participate in training sessions to learn from experienced practitioners. A CNVC Certified Trainer has been through a rigorous certification process that takes years to complete and is akin to a Master’s level program. Consider a 9- day International Intensive Training (IIT) if you want to be part of a learning community of people working on these skills. You can find IITs all over the world on the cnvc.org website.
Join Communities:
– Local Practice Groups: Engage with others to practice skills in a supportive environment. An online search will probably yield some results.
– Online Forums: Most of the ones I’m aware of are Facebook groups — and there is quite a number. You can search beyond that, online, to connect with a global community and share experiences and insights.
Marshall Rosenberg on NVC and Happiness
What made Marshall Rosenberg happy?
Marshall worked tirelessly so that people could reduce their suffering through self-connection and better relationships. The level of gratitude he received was a form of feedback regarding his level of contribution.
As noted above, he cited Buddhism as an important influence in his thinking as he developed Nonviolent Communication.
We know he emphasized the dynamic nature of life, and the value of being connected to the present need. When needs are met that means that Life itself is fulfilled.
Even as he spoke about the value of his self-reflective writing in the early days, which helped him develop NVC, Marshall drew satisfaction from his continual learning on many topics.
And a big part of his satisfaction was being connected to gratitude. This included his daily gratitude practice — but also seeing some of his dreams realized.
He shared with me that as he traveled across the US by car to share NVC in the 1970s, going from town to town and city to city, one time he thought to himself, “some day NVC will travel the world, perhaps even as far as India.”
Many years later, approximately 1991, as he was concluding a trip to teach in India, this memory came back to him as his plane was taking off to leave. The memory, and the realization of his dream, moved him to tears.
In conversations with me in the late 1990s, he used the analogy of being at the most wondrous buffet, in which the dishes appeared one after the other. Before he was done digesting the current nourishment, more would come. And what were the meals? They were the enormous gratitude he received — continually, from people of all walks of life — for his contributions to peoples’ lives.
After his death in 2015 some of his students, friends, and colleagues organized a Zoom call memorial for him.
That call lasted 9 days!
People kept calling in from all parts of the world to share the moving impact he had had on their lives. The organizers found colleagues on different continents to pass the baton, taking turns to host the call in different time zones — again, for 9 days! As new people got wind of this online memorial they would also call in, and share stories and celebrations of Dr. Rosenberg’s profound impact on their lives.
I don’t exactly know what he would say, but I would venture to guess that the deepest fulfillment he experienced was related to his needs around contribution and being of service.
He left with us this legacy for how to connect more effectively with one another. Now it is yours… to learn, integrate, and also pass on — for yourself, those around you, and the world.
PuddleDancer Press Books on NVC and Well-Being
PuddleDancer Press is the foremost proponent and publisher of books on Nonviolent Communication and well-being.
NVC has shown time and time again that human beings are capable of arriving at mutually beneficial solutions.
Because of the trust-building process involved, and the fact that the solutions include everyone’s buy-in, using NVC for happiness and well-being predictably gives us outcomes that meet a greater number of needs and are more durable.
Our books on happiness and well-being can help you:
- Create exceptional personal and professional relationships,
- Offer compassionate understanding to others,
- Know when and how to ask for that same understanding for yourself,
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- Create mutual understanding without coercion.
Whether you are a long-time student — or are brand new to NVC — PuddleDancer Press has the educational resources, including the books on happiness and well-being, to help you grow your emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, and communication prowess.
Check out our catalog of books on happiness… and give yourself the gift of Compassionate Communication!
