Next-Level Homeschooling with Nonviolent Communication

By Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer

Introduction

Many parents have decided to school their children at home, taking charge of their children’s education through homeschooling.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) presents a new paradigm around thought, language, communication, and the use of power.

My experience — both as a parent and as a long-time student and teacher of NVC — is that the new paradigm NVC offers leaves children more empowered and sets them up with natural leadership abilities.

My children have experienced both homeschooling and public school. I have watched how growing up in a home that had NVC pretty well integrated gave my children remarkable mental and emotional resiliency.

How does homeschooling work? What is NVC and how does it work? How do the two interact, and how does NVC help you elevate your homeschooling?

In the article that follows, first I define homeschooling, then I define Nonviolent Communication, and after that we look at the rich intersection of the two.

What is Homeschooling?

Homeschooling is when a school-aged child is educated at home rather than at a traditional public or private school, with instruction typically (but not necessarily always) directed by a parent or guardian.

Occasionally parents can hire a teacher or a tutor, or, as was the case when my children were little, join a homeschooling cooperative. I share more of my personal experience a little later in this article.

In homeschooling, parents or guardians decide what is taught, how it is taught, and which materials or curricula are used.

This supports individualized pacing and content, and allows for the process and the curriculum to be in greater alignment with the parents’ values.

In some places, like the state where I live, homeschooling is required by law to meet state education requirements. This can add layers of bureaucracy, but also of support, to homeschooling families.

Homeschooling can look a lot of different ways! It can be structured, using formal curricula and schedules, or unstructured, following the child’s interests, such as in the form called “unschooling.”

What homeschooling is not

Homeschooling is different from distance or virtual public schooling. In the latter, even though the learning is happening at home, the child is still enrolled in a traditional school in which the curriculum and requirements are controlled by the school and the state.

Are there different kinds of homeschooling?

Yes, there are not only many ways to do it… there is a diversity of motivations as well.

Homeschooling is mostly limited by two things: the parents’ knowledge and their imagination.

(A third limitation would be access to resources: financial, curricular, or physical. For example, I can show my children the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City — but only online, since a field trip across the country would be prohibitive.)

Knowledge of what exists, and of what has been tried and been successful — will be an asset to any parent wanting to homeschool.

Imagination — the realm of creative thinking and coming up with possibilities that previously didn’t exist — this will also be a factor limiting or supporting effective homeschooling.

A variety of motivations for homeschooling

In the United States the two largest segments of the homeschooling population are liberal progressives and conservative Christians.

Much of the drive for conservative Christians to homeschool their children is a lack of trust in secular institutions, which often do not reflect the values the parents want taught — specifically a type of Christianity which is skeptical of science and adheres to a literal interpretation of the Bible. This is, of course, a generalization, as there are many variations and exceptions. The liberal progressive side of homeschooling motivations is one I’m more familiar with.

Typically, these parents are disillusioned with “industrial education” in which the focus of schooling is more on obedience to authority than it is about the content children are taught. Much of the emphasis in mainstream education is on rote memorization of content for tests, which the children are assumed to forget soon after.

For both of these populations, liberal and Christian-conservative, there are many more motivations also: closer family relationships, scheduling flexibility, a sense of community with other homeschoolers, and reassurance about the quality of education their children are receiving.

My personal experience with homeschooling

A Homeschooling Cooperative

Around 2010 or so, my family joined a homeschooling cooperative comprised of roughly 15 families who wanted to educate their children together. One family provided the “campus.”

As a group, we made decisions about everything from the curriculum to the schedule to participation fees. Parents volunteered for different roles, and together we hired teachers for specific subjects.

Attending events co-created with other parents and students — month after month and year after year — gave us a rich sense of community.

Even though our homeschooling cooperative decided, for complex reasons, to close its doors around 2016, that sense of community continues to this day whenever I see or run into people from that part of my life.

Homeschooling during COVID

A few years later, when the COVID pandemic struck, we began homeschooling again.

Our local school district had (and still has) a “parent partnership program” that was created and instituted specifically for supporting families who wanted to homeschool their children.

This program proved invaluable!

They had extensive curriculum resources and support, and they double-checked that my child’s education at home was meeting the state education requirements — part of the law governing homeschooling where I live.

This parent partnership program also included a structured in-person day, at the school, once per week. This gave us some variety in the learning environment as well as a welcome change in the routine. It also meant that educators trained in supporting homeschooling families were able to see my child’s progress up-front, and offer other support when needed.

In my particular circumstance, I was self-employed and working from home more than a decade before the pandemic… which made it easier to accommodate homeschooling than if I were in a traditional employment situation.

It was not perfect, but I liked spending more time with my child, being more directly involved educationally, and having greater time and schedule flexibility.

What is Nonviolent Communication?

Below I explain the name, history, and purpose of NVC — followed by a brief explanation of its opposite: “violent” or life-disconnected, life-alienated communication. This last part is valuable because old habits lead us to undermine or destroy our relationships without even knowing or understanding what we’re doing.

We’ll also look at emotional intelligence in general, why it’s so valuable to have a deeper understanding of core human motivators, and we’ll look at the remarkable effects of clear requests and self-responsibility as defined and practiced in NVC.

And as we go, I tie this all in to homeschooling.

The name Nonviolent Communication

The name Nonviolent Communication came from a sense of alignment with Gandhi’s social movement of “nonviolence.” In India, the words they used roughly translated to “the power of the truth” and “compassion” — and that begins to give you a flavor of what NVC is about.

The process is also known by other names: Compassionate Communication, Conscious Communication, Empowered Communication, Empathic Communication, and others! These various names also give you a sense of what the process is about.

The History of NVC

NVC was originated by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, beginning in the 1960s and 70s. During that time he was studying under the legendary Carl Rogers who was very interested in the topic of empathy and why it is that authentic human connection can be so healing.

Both Rogers and Rosenberg noted that when people feel connected they much more easily and readily prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts.

Dr. Rosenberg decided to distill the essential elements from language, thought, communication, and the use of power that would contribute to cultivating this enhanced quality of connection.

Out of this inquiry and search, NVC was born.

The Purpose of NVC

The purpose of NVC is to create the high quality of connection out of which people naturally and spontaneously enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being.

When connection, and therefore trust, is low it becomes easier to question others’ motivations and we are less tolerant and forgiving.

When the quality of the connection is high, compassionate understanding happens automatically. We become more tolerant and forgiving, and we second-guess each other’s motivations less, if at all.

Everything about NVC, when applied correctly, moves conversations and relationships toward more trust, connection, and mutually beneficial outcomes.

Violent Communication aka Life-Alienated, Life-Disconnected Thinking and Language

Life-Alienated, Life-Disconnected Communication is the formal name for the type of thinking and language that are most likely to get in the way of the quality of connection for which we are looking.

This is the type of thinking and language that destroys trust and goodwill — and most of the time we don’t even know we’re doing it, or we simply don’t know a better way.

This type of thinking and language has some specific attributes:

• Name-calling, criticism, and judgment,
• Avoiding responsibility for your feelings and choices,
• Issuing demands and ultimatums, rather than requests,
• Justifying punishment for those we consider “bad” or “wrong.”
• Motivating people through coercion, including fear, guilt, shame, duty, obligation, to get a reward, to avoid punishment, or out of “should” and “have-to” thinking.

When we rely on this type of thinking and language we erode trust, destroy our relationships, negatively impact other peoples’ self-worth, and breed resentment.

Understanding this type of thinking and language in itself has value.

Nonviolent Communication shows you what to do instead, so that you can build trust, psychological safety, and emotional resiliency into your connection with others.

NVC Supports Multiple Intelligences

In 1983, in his groundbreaking book, Frames of Mind — developmental psychologist and professor of cognition and education at Harvard’s Graduate School of Education — Howard Gardner made a stunning assertion.

He wrote that traditional schooling mostly valued logical-mathematical intelligence but that human beings in fact had multiple types of intelligence, including linguistic, musical, bodily-kinesthetic, spatial, interpersonal, and intrapersonal.

Gardner’s original work recognized seven “intelligences” — while he now recognizes 8 or more.

Researcher and philosopher Ken Wilber states that, based on his research, there are over two dozen multiple intelligences, which he calls “lines of development” — and which constitute things you can get better at.

This points to something extremely interesting!

First, we are all naturally better at some things than others. Some people seem very much in their bodies and have inherent kinesthetic agility. Other people seem very inclined musically. When it’s said that someone is a “people person” that might point to what Gardner calls interpersonal intelligence.

Second, development is not linear! I might grow to have incredible cognitive abilities, but yet be under-developed emotionally or kinesthetically.

Third, you can improve any of them, including musical intelligence, emotional intelligence and so forth.

My experience is that NVC helps people grow and develop in multiple ways! Emotional Intelligence, or EQ, is just one of them.

As a simplified overview, NVC helps you grow and develop in three general areas:

Self-Connection: interior clarity about what you’re feeling, needing, and wanting, and what is motivating you in any given moment.

Empathy: to receive another’s feelings and needs with a compassionate or respectful understanding, or even with tenderness — so they feel heard and understood. (Note: empathic understanding does not mean condoning, justifying, or agreeing!)

Honesty: How to express what’s in your heart in a way that another is most likely to connect with. A word I like even better: vulnerability! Vulnerability can feel scary — and yet, it is the portal to greater intimacy!

The number of positive qualities NVC helps you develop is even greater!

Here is a matrix created by some of my colleagues that shows over 20 areas in which NVC helps you grow and develop! (That link takes you to the English-language version. To find the Pathways to Liberation Self-Assessment Matrix in other languages, click here.)

Understanding Core Human Motivators

Why do people speak or act? What motivates each of us at a deeper level?

Nonviolent Communication is based on the premise that all human beings have the same life-force flowing through each of us.

Dr. Rosenberg gave us words to speak about that life-force — a language of universal human needs.

The word “need” is tricky — in this context we mean something very specific. In NVC, the word need does not refer to something missing or a sense of lack.

Needs — as we define them in NVC — are energies that want to flow, not holes to be filled.

Needs are the conditions necessary for life to thrive in any human being, separate from culture or geography, for example, love, trust, intimacy, safety, belonging, agency, and so forth.

Needs are core human motivators — they impel us to speak or act.

In fact — Dr. Rosenberg would go so far as to say, and I agree with him, that — any time a person speaks or acts it is in service of one or more needs, whether or not that person is consciously aware of that need in that moment.

In any conflict, when we can distill what is important to each of the parties down to the universal human needs — that’s when people can see each others’ humanity and conflicts become a lot easier to solve.

As a conflict mediator for over 20 years — including mediating and facilitating for homeschooling parents — the effects of NVC are remarkable.

When we understand our own and others’ deeper motivations finding win-win, mutually beneficial solutions becomes much more accessible.

Key Differentiation: Needs versus Strategies

Conflicts do not exist at the level of needs, because we all have the same needs.

Needs themselves cannot be in conflict — that happens to be a myth.

Conflicts lie at the level of strategies.

And strategies are incredibly important, because they are the specific ways we go about meeting needs.

For example, if my need is belonging, I have many strategies at my disposal, not all of which will be equally effective. For example, I can:

• go to the local bar and make myself available for conversation,
• call my loved ones and initiate conversations with vulnerability and empathy to create more closeness,
• comment in a group on social media,
• attend a local event such as a dance class, a contact improv class, or some other workshop or gathering.

And these are only very few possibilities!

Needs are by definition universal, meaning that they never refer to a specific person performing a specific action (that would be a strategy).

Strategies, by definition, are specific and contextual.

As you progress in NVC you’ll notice a pattern. Much of NVC is about continually being in touch with your underlying needs and finding the strategies that work best to meet those needs — in a way that is in harmony with the needs of those around you. That is NVC in a nutshell.

Relationally and interpersonally, the work is around staying connected to my own and the other person’s needs — or the needs of a whole group of people — and finding the strategies that work best for all the needs involved.

only are win-win outcomes possible between individuals and in groups — I have facilitated this hundreds if not thousands of times, including in groups that were stuck and had lost hope of a mutually-satisfying way through their conflict.

When we look at homeschooling, understanding human needs, and this crucial distinction between needs and strategies, will help you meet needs more effectively and also help you prevent and resolve conflicts.

For example, let’s say that you’re a parent homeschooling your child, and you agreed to have lunch at 12:30 — half past noon. It’s now 11:50 AM, you’re almost finished with a learning block, and your child says they’re hungry NOW!

What do you do?

NVC would have you come to your body, physical sensations, feelings, and needs, first. Feelings are merely indicators — like lights on the dashboard of your car — that tell you that something deeper is happening (the needs!).

What needs would be met — for you, for your child — by keeping the plan for lunch at 12:30? What needs would not be met for you and for your child?

Eating lunch at 12 is not a need. Eating lunch at 12:30 is not a need. These are strategies.

Are you able to connect with your child and, together, find the strategy that meets the most needs? Are you able to be flexible on the strategies without letting go of or compromising anyone’s needs?

This is a simplified example. But the principles of it extend to any misunderstanding, disagreement, or conflict: connect with each others’ feelings and needs first! Once you understand what is important to each person, then it’s easier to find a mutually beneficial path forward.

If you mistake a strategy for a need and you insist that eating at 12:30pm is the need, for example — then you have taken an abundant universe and made it scarce.

If you believe that the only way your need can be met is this specific strategy you are more likely to get stuck in conflicts and experience less closeness and more alienation in your relationships.

In other words: separate needs from strategies, and get connected to the needs before you craft the strategy that will attend to the most needs.

The tools of NVC: the model

NVC has two dimensions: the tools (model/framework) and the consciousness (a core intention and a series of principles).

The framework itself has three areas where you can put your attention in the service of connection:

• Honesty: vulnerability, self-expression,
• Empathy: compassionate listening to understand,
• Self-Connection: interior clarity about what you’re feeling, needing, and wanting.

Each of these three areas contains the same four components:

• Observation: the neutral facts without evaluation or interpretation
• Feeling: what is happening at the emotional level that’s telling you to pay attention to something deeper,
• Need: what is alive for you in this moment? How is life showing up in terms of motivating you or impelling you to speak or act? What is the deeper yearning
• Request: What do you want and how can you ask for it in an actionable way? (Below I describe different kinds of requests including “connecting requests” which specifically serve the connection.

These three areas (self-connection, empathy, honesty) and the four components of the model (observation, feeling, need, request) — comprise the overall NVC framework, the area of concrete tools with which I can improve my skills.

However, having the tools of NVC without NVC consciousness would be like having a good bicycle tire with no air; or like having a good chef’s knife but forgetting what you were going to cook.

Without NVC consciousness, the model can become a subtle form of manipulation, which means it would not be NVC at all!

The consciousness and intentionality of NVC is primordial!

The consciousness vs the model

In several workshops I attended, Marshall Rosenberg would put the model up on the white board and announce to the workshop participants, “this is not NVC!”

This left many people scratching their heads!

He would follow that up by saying: NVC is primarily the consciousness and the intentionality that you bring to your interactions.

In other words, if my intention is to get my way or manipulate a specific outcome, then it is not remotely NVC even if I’m expertly using the “tools” of the framework.

Why?

Because the purpose of NVC is connection — not to manipulate others! This is when NVC becomes weaponized!

On the other hand, if I’m prioritizing connection, understanding that once we connect we’re much more likely to find a win-win solution — then I can use the tools imperfectly, but it will still be in alignment with NVC.

The consciousness of NVC — connection before solution, understanding that we all have the same core needs — is primary!

The model gives you skillful means so that it’s more likely that you’ll fulfill the core intention consistently over time in a variety of contexts and relationships.

The model without the consciousness is no longer NVC.

The consciousness, along with the tools, is core to what makes the process so powerful.

“Formal” NVC vs “Informal” NVC

I’ve been teaching NVC since 1998, and I’m surprised by how many people I’ve met who have attended introductory workshops but did not receive or retain this important distinction.

In a classroom, workshop, or practice group setting we often focus on “formal” NVC, using a particular syntax.

Notice in the sentence below, the use of observation, feeling, need, and request:

“When I see the speed at which you are driving,
“I feel scared,
“Because I have a need for safety,
“So would you be willing to drive within the posted speed limit?”

This would be an example of formal NVC, which we reserve almost exclusively for a classroom, workshop, or practice group setting.

Rarely does anyone speaks this way, and, ironically, it can often get in the way of connection when we do.

So then, what is the purpose of formal NVC?

Formal NVC has two purposes:

1) It trains your attention to go to the four components, especially feelings and needs, rather than judgments, criticism, etc., and,

2) It helps you keep certain key differentiations clear in your mind, for example, not mixing evaluations into the observations, and so forth. (There are many key differentiations in NVC, most of which are beyond the scope of this article.)

What is informal NVC?

Informal NVC is when you are rooted in NVC consciousness (needs, connection first, autonomy and mutuality) — but you use everyday language to speak and connect. Sentences are not structured according to any framework, and your focus is not on speaking NVC correctly. Rather, your focus is on connection.

Why is this an important distinction?

Because we learn and practice primarily with formal NVC, but we apply it in everyday life using informal NVC. We learn to translate formal to informal, and we become more fluid over time.

If the takeaway from an NVC class is that we always use formal NVC syntax all the time, then NVC would not be what it is nor would it do what it does. It would not excel at interpersonal connection!

Once you have formal NVC integrated, it’s much easier to make the switch to informal NVC.

When homeschooling, parents, teachers, and students can use NVC to:

• prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts,
• understand each others’ deeper motivators and co-create mutually agreeable outcomes,
• learn essential emotional intelligence tools and skills, and,
• learn to live in a world in which win-win-win solutions are not only possible, they become common-place.

These seem like precisely the tools and skills the future of humanity and the planet needs!

The magic of clear requests and self-responsibility

I grew up in a household with a lot of love and care mixed with confusion about how to motivate each other.

We had a fairly peculiar definition of love. See if you recognize it: if you really loved me… you would know what I’m wanting, when I’m wanting it, and how I’m wanting it — I shouldn’t even have to ask!

In other words, the measure of how much your loved ones care about you is how psychic they are!

Growing up I was constantly trying to guess others’ needs and requests, which for a young child can be stressful!

When I came across Marshall Rosenberg’s work in my mid-20s, the power of NVC requests was a complete revelation!

I could actually ask for what I wanted!

What are NVC requests?

Requests in NVC are a way you can take responsibility for what you’re wanting by asking for it clearly.

These are differentiated from demands in which the action is more important than the relationship or the other person’s needs.

Dr. Rosenberg used to say that the number one reason our needs are not met is unclear requests.

Requests, as defined in NVC, have four criteria. They must be:

• specific and concrete — a vague request often elicits a vague response,
• doable — what happens if someone says yes to a request that is not doable?
• framed in positive-action-language — what you want the person to do rather than not do, and
• present — giving the other person or people an opportunity for how to respond in this moment.

If a request meets these four criteria, then it is an actionable request.

Different kinds of requests:

Generally speaking there are two kinds of requests, although I have identified several sub-categories. The main two are:

1) Action or strategy requests — in which I request a concrete action (“Would you be willing to bring me a glass of water right now?”)

2) Connecting requests — are intended specifically to serve the connection. The two main types of connecting requests are:

a) Requesting understanding or empathy. For example, “Could you tell me back what you’re hearing is important to me?” and,

b) Requesting the other person’s honesty or vulnerability. For example, “Now that you’ve heard what I have to say, how do you feel about it?”

There are many variations for how you can phrase each of these questions.

Connecting requests are one way we keep a difficult conversation moving.

NVC would guide you to stay at the level of feelings and needs until you are connected… and then work on identifying mutually agreeable strategies.

What you are and are not responsible for

Marshall Rosenberg stated that each person is responsible for three things, and three things only: your intentions, your words, and your actions.

Anything else you don’t have control over — therefore you cannot be responsible for it.

The tension between autonomy and interdependence

This tension — between autonomy and interdependence — appears to be a pattern that suffuses all of life. These are the words Marshall Rosenberg used. Philosopher Ken Wilber uses the terms agency and communion. And these map on perfectly to conversations and discussions around rights (agency, autonomy) and responsibilities (communion, interdependence).

In my own parenting, I want my children to be aware of both, and to value both. The tension between the two is a constant dance — and NVC helps us do it more elegantly.

The relevance to homeschooling

If you are homeschooling, chances are that you want to raise children who can think for themselves, question and try to understand the why behind things, and who are not easily pushed around or manipulated.

These are incredibly valuable lessons for humans, and they happen automatically when you embed NVC into your homeschooling:

• knowing what you are responsible for and what not,
• understanding that your autonomy is always relative because you are embedded in multiple layers of relationships that also require an awareness of responsibilities toward one another,
• knowing how to make clear, actionable requests that care for your needs and the other’s needs.

If you are a parent — and sometimes this is highlighted when you are a homeschooling parent — you are constantly navigating your needs and the child’s needs. And this unavoidably involves making concrete, doable requests. And if you want to preserve the relationship long term, you will make sure that these are indeed requests rather than demands.

By leveling-up your NVC skills you will be modeling something precious and indispensable for their life.

Resources if you are newer to NVC

You can learn more about the basics of NVC, here.

This book is a classic text for learning the concepts of Nonviolent Communication.

Having a tool and being skillful with a tool are different. I highly recommend building your NVC skills through online or in-person workshops and attending a practice group.

Besides workshops and a practice group, if you want to go deep, I highly recommend attending an International Intensive Training (IIT) put on by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC). At an IIT you live immersed for about 9 days with a group of people sharing the intention to learn NVC — which is one of the most effective ways to deepen your understanding and skills.

And I am reminded of the adage: dig your well before you’re thirsty! When you are in a relationship disconnect, or in a full-blown conflict, that is not the time to develop your NVC skills! Work on them now.

The challenge faced by current education

Never let your schooling get in the way of your education!
— Unknown

The educational framework that comprised my formal schooling was created generations before I was born, at a time when factories needed compliant workers. In this context, rote memorization and obeying orders were prized skills.

My personal experience of school was that the focus was on compliance and obedience to authority more than the content of what was being taught. Rather than being taught how to think, much of my formal education focused on what to think.

The challenge faced by education reflects a deeper crisis. Students are promised that if they work hard they’ll get into the right school, get a high paying job, and be able to accumulate lots of stuff. For increasing numbers of people, this version of the good life — consumerism — no longer resonates. It is no longer compelling.

The world is in a crisis of meaning and purpose — and our mainstream, public education system is both a symptom and a perpetuating cause of that crisis.

In the US, teachers have been underpaid for decades. As an aside, but to underscore the point, my father told me about a book he had wanted to write in the early 1970s, the thesis of which was: if you pay teachers more you will attract top talent. If you look at the resources directed at them, a Martian anthropologist would conclude that professional athletes are the most valuable members of society, much more valued and rewarded than the people who educate our children!

The US federal government has been funding weapons far more than education — for decades!

The way schools are funded in many localities is based on the wealth of that zip code: rich communities get better schools and poorer communities get commensurately fewer funds to work with. The contrast between schools from rich neighborhoods and schools from poor neighborhoods is stark regarding school repairs, athletic facilities, libraries, access to technology, and so forth.

The inequitable distribution of education simply mirrors an economic system in which the rich get richer and the poor get poorer, and in which unlimited accumulation is celebrated.

Given all the shortcomings of mainstream, public education — including its rootedness in an outdated learning paradigm — it is no wonder that parents have flocked to homeschooling in recent decades. Their desire to have more control over their children’s education is usually based on closely held values.

There is a huge opportunity for mainstream education to transcend industrial schooling — and until then, homeschooling will appear as an attractive option to those who can prioritize spending the time.

What are the benefits of integrating NVC into your homeschooling?

When parents choose to educate their children at home, what’s the advantage of integrating NVC?

When people in a position of structural power, in this case parents, embrace NVC, there are tremendous positive effects downstream. (I work with corporate leaders and teams, and there are parallels to how these benefits show up.)

A shift in culture

A fish does not know that it is swimming in water,
— proverb with complex origin.

One change that I predict people don’t expect because it creeps up in a subtle way, and affects everything, is a shift in culture. What do I mean by “culture”?

My favorite definition of culture is people like us do things like this (thank you, Seth Godin). I’m referring to the unquestioned this is just how we do things — which is why it can be subtle, and yet it profoundly changes everything!

When I refer to culture, I’m also referring to shared values and principles, and a sense of shared reality and meaning about how we relate to each other and how we do homeschooling.

What are some of the upgrades NVC gives homeschooling families?

Relationships over outcomes

One of the first NVC principles that changes your family and homeschooling culture is prioritizing relationships over outcomes.

What would be the point of your child getting a good grade or completing an assignment if trust was shattered and they were left resenting you? Years later, the assignment would be forgotten but the disconnection would remain.

And just to be clear: NVC is not permissiveness!

Prioritizing the relationship means my children trust me. It means that their feelings and needs matter too, and I can hear what need of theirs might get in the way of doing as I have asked.

NVC gives me tools to engage in conversations through which I can help my children see how what I’m requesting would meet their needs. I don’t have to force them! And it helps me remember the humility to be open to learning something new from them that might be different than what I initially thought.

One thing parents often lose sight of is that most of their relationship with their children will be with their children as adults.

As a parent I am continuously keeping in mind my short-term outcomes as well as my long-term outcomes.

My long-term outcome is having a relationship in which my children feel safe to approach me with anything. So I handle short-term strategies accordingly, and prioritize the relationship over specific outcomes.

Participating in a shared vision rather than compliance-and-enforcement

If compliance is not the goal, misbehavior is rarely an issue.

This is the difference between enrollment and enforcement.

When you and your child are enrolled in a shared vision, enforcing behaviors becomes unnecessary.

This brings to mind:

“Power-with” rather than “power-over”

If I exercise power over — boss people around, threaten, etc. — I may get compliance but the relationships will deteriorate.

Dr. Rosenberg insisted that we are more powerful with power-with than with power-over.

What does this mean?

When we can both be powerful — meaning that we both bring our gifts, skills, aptitudes, insights, etc. — and include them in a complementary and collaborative way, we can achieve much better results than if one person is “the boss” and others have to obey or else face consequences.

Even though I do have greater power than my child — personally, physically, structurally/legally — I use it to empower my child to discover and access their own power as well as modeling how we use it collaboratively.

This distinction alone changes their entire trajectory through school, work, and life — and gives them a big boost in leadership capacity!

Meetings that can be efficient and enjoyable

With this new paradigm of understanding — that we are all motivated by the same needs, that we can find mutually beneficial strategies, in which everyone’s needs matter, and in which we work toward a shared vision — making decisions, even in a large group, becomes completely different!

Rather than acting like industrial automatons who must check off tasks at any cost, the culture that NVC enables you to have means that each person’s humanity is brought fully into meetings, decision-making processes, and other group activities.

Shared ways to resolve conflicts

When resolving conflicts involves relationship repair and restorative (rather than punitive) approaches, it offers the psychological safety for people to want to participate.

Rather than being conflict avoidant, learning to move toward a conflict — in the way a firefighter moves toward the fire — means that you are giving yourself and your child the opportunity to learn how to do conflict well!

NVC has shown me that disconnection, emotional pain, and conflict can be powerful portals toward greater connection, intimacy, and trust if I use them that way! (NVC gives you the tools and you develop your skills with those tools.)

Having established psychological safety, and being on the same page regarding the process for how we address misunderstandings, differences in perspective, and conflicts, means that people are more likely to participate fully and without reservation.

Win-win outcomes with your child

I mentioned above that NVC parenting is not permissiveness.

This is because your needs matter too!

Negotiating with your child — at an age-appropriate level, of course — in a way that brings their needs and your needs into the picture becomes another valuable part of the curriculum!

Demonstrating the way to arrive at mutually beneficial outcomes — because you are doing it in your relationship — is a long–lasting life lesson!

All needs matter, not all needs may get met

My son was about 12 at the time. He was in the back seat of the car.

“Hey, I’m curious,” I began. “How often are your needs met in our relationship?”

He thought about it for a moment, finally replying, “75%? Maybe three-quarters of the time?”

I followed up: “And what percentage of the time would you say you trust that your needs matter?”

Without hesitation, he replied, “100% of time, no question.”

In the way I parent and in the way I managed homeschooling, the message that stuck was, “Your needs may not always get met in the way you prefer, but they always matter.”

A higher-value education

The more high-tech the world gets to more valuable high-touch becomes.

This speaks to the immense importance of people skills, so-called “soft skills,” and emotional intelligence.

My prediction:

Leaders who,

• are present and emotionally attuned,
• are self-connected,
• possess a healthy dose of self-assurance,
• can facilitate mutual understanding in their teams,
• can prevent and resolve conflicts, and,
• can enroll others into a shared vision…

…these types of leaders will be increasingly in high demand as these are the very capacities artificial intelligence will not be able to displace!

Start with yourself

My number one piece of advice for parents who want this kind of homeschooling:

If you want to integrate NVC into your homeschooling: the adults must integrate NVC first.

You set the tone. Your child is looking to you — so please be the example and start NVC integration with yourself first.

Other potentials to consider

Lessons in autonomy

When you integrate NVC into your homeschooling, your child will receive valuable lessons in agency and autonomy, namely, that with greater choice comes greater responsibility. And your child will learn this as an experiential and felt-sense understanding, rather than merely an intellectual one.

Skills-based learning

Students learn skills — following directions, problem-solving, verbal and written self-expression, reading comprehension, and so forth — and they learn them regardless of what class they are in. The skills transcend the class subject.

Your child can learn many of the essential skills through learning NVC: reading, writing, and the self-assessment matrix I linked to above.

NVC provides us with the most effective tools to foster health and relationships.
— Anthony Robbins, Awaken the Giant Within and Unlimited Power.

Homeschooling is not for everyone

In the end, homeschooling is not for everyone!

It requires time, presence, intentionality, planning, and resources.

Even on a shoestring, children can receive a fine education via homeschooling — given the plethora of online and print resources.

But to do it well, it still requires having the time, energy, and presence.

For those who DO choose to take on homeschooling, NVC is a game-changer — up-leveling the experience for those involved, and with ripple effects that go way beyond!

Marshall Rosenberg on NVC and Education

Marshall Rosenberg worked extensively with students, parents, teachers, and administrators on how to integrate NVC into schooling and create learning environments that met more needs for more of the humans involved.

The following story exemplifies some of the skills-learning as well as the positive impact of integrating NVC in your child’s education.

Dr. Rosenberg was visiting a friend of his who was the principal of a school that had attempted to integrate NVC into everything they did.

Within a short time of being there, two 10 year-olds walk into the principal’s office — one of them crying.

One of the boys said to the person at the front desk, “we need a mediator.”

Shortly thereafter, a 12 year-old came to the office, ready to help the boys with their conflict.

The school principal invited Marshall Rosenberg to watch the session.

The mediator and the two students established who would speak first and who would listen first — deciding to start with the boy who had been crying:

Mediator: The facts —

Boy: he pushed me down in the playground!

Mediator: Feelings —

Boy: I feel sad…

Mediator: Needs —

Boy: Friendship…

Mediator: Request —

Boy: I want him to tell me why he did it!

The 12 year-old mediator now turned to the second boy, who had been in “listening mode”:

Mediator: The facts —

Second Boy: He says I pushed him down on the playground…

Mediator: Feelings —

Second Boy: He feels sad…

Mediator: Needs —

Second Boy: Friendship…

Mediator: Request —

Second Boy: He wants me to tell him why I did it.

Mediator: OK, switch!

And now the second boy got to speak while the first boy listened.

After a few more rounds, switching between speaking and listening, they had patched up their issue and walked out smiling, friends again.

If you want to read further about how NVC supports and complements education, I recommend Life-Enriching Education by Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD.

PuddleDancer Press Books on NVC and Education

PuddleDancer Press is the foremost proponent and publisher of books on Nonviolent Communication and education.

NVC has shown time and again that human beings are capable of arriving at mutually crafted solutions.

Because of the trust-building process involved, and the fact that the solutions include everyone’s buy-in, using NVC for education and learning predictably gives you outcomes that meet a greater number of needs and are more durable.

Our books on communication skills can help you:

• Create exceptional personal and professional relationships,
• Offer compassionate understanding to others,
• Know when and how to ask for that same understanding for yourself,
• Prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts,
• Speak your truth in a clear, powerful way more likely to lead to harmony than conflict,

Create mutual understanding without coercion.

Whether you are a long-time student — or are brand new to NVC — PuddleDancer Press has the resources, including the books on education and learning, to help you grow your emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, and communication prowess.

Check out our catalog of books on communication and learning … and give yourself the gift of Compassionate Communication!