Navigating the Complexities of Money with Nonviolent Communication

By Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer
“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
— Woody Allen, screenwriter, film director, actor, comedian, writer, musician, and playwright,1935-

Introduction: Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and Money

Money is one of the most emotionally charged topics in relationships and families as well as in business, government, and politics.

We have built a world in which the influence of money is everywhere. Money is tied to self-esteem, a sense of power and choice, punishment, generosity, opportunity, the ability to direct resources toward a purpose, social inequality, and the destruction of the natural world.

It is a very confusing and painful topic for many people!

In this article we’ll look first at NVC: what it is and what it is good for. Then we’ll turn our attention to defining and understanding money. Lastly, we’ll look at the intersection of the two, and focus on how NVC can clarify — and make you more effective and resilient — in your relationship with money.

What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?

NVC is world-famous, renowned, and time-tested — and the best modality I have found for interpersonal effectiveness.

NVC gives you high-level tools for how to:

• get along with others,
• speak what is true for you in a way that leads to harmony rather
  than conflict, and
• find mutually beneficial outcomes consistently.

And this only begins to scratch the surface!

Why does NVC exist?

The purpose of NVC is to create the quality of connection out of which people naturally and spontaneously enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being.

NVC exists so that we can resolve our differences without resorting to manipulation,  coercion, or violence — and to give us the best possible chance of arriving at mutually agreeable outcomes.

What do people use NVC for?

You can use NVC to create workplace and home environments that are less stressful, prevent and resolve conflicts, create clarity in conversations and meetings, deepen interpersonal relationships, and find win-win solutions across a variety of contexts.

I use my NVC skills professionally to help people have breakthroughs in their relationships (including with people who have already passed), to mediate within families in which there are conflicts, to help teams move from competition to
collaboration, and to help businesses, organizations, and institutions have more efficient meetings and more cohesive teams.

Who uses NVC?

People of all ages and all walks of life in every part of the world use NVC!

At home, my children were exhibiting a high level of emotional intelligence at the age of two, without any formal teaching, just from growing up with parents who had NVC.

I know executives and business-owners who use NVC successfully in high-stakes conversations. Parents, teachers, school administrators, and business partners all use it.

There is not a type of person who uses NVC.

Anyone who relates to others can apply the tools and skills — not to mention the consciousness of NVC — to create more ease and clarity in all their relationships.

What kind of results do people get with NVC?

People bring less home-related stress to work, and less work related stress home.

Family members build trust and true intimacy, creating ease and clarity in their connections.

When people are connected they easily prevent conflicts. And when conflicts do arise people who feel connected resolve those conflicts much more quickly and easily, because of the trust that has been established.

Human relationships can be one of the most fulfilling and satisfying, but also one of the most stressful and confusing, parts of life. NVC helps you handle most of that stress and confusion with skill and grace!

NVC Consciousness vs the NVC Model

NVC has a framework, a concrete model, which is comprised of three areas where you can put your attention in service of connection. These three areas are self-connection, empathy, and honesty.

Self-connection serves interior clarity: what are you feeling, needing, and wanting? Self-connection also includes things like how you treat yourself when you make a mistake as well as selftalk in general. This is where you bring presence to your own experience.

Empathy is the listening side of NVC, and it entails a respectful or compassionate understanding. This is where you bring presence to the other person’s experience.

Honesty is also known as authentic self-expression. This is where vulnerability comes in. It’s often helpful to remember that NVC is not about being nice! Rather, NVC is about being authentic and real, in a way that is also compassionate.

You can think of these three areas as toolboxes unto themselves. NVC has many “tools” with which you can become more skillful — in honesty, empathy, and self-connection.

The NVC Model also has four components: observation, feeling, need, and request. Each of the three areas above contains these four components.

In other words, we have observations, feelings, needs, and requests within ourselves (self-connection), on the listening side (empathy), as well as on the honesty side.

For example, I might use honesty to say to my partner, “When I remember that we agreed to check in with each other before purchasing anything over $150, and I see that you came home with a $500 couch — I feel a lot of disappointment because I value trust and keeping agreements. I also feel nervous and a little afraid because I don’t want us to be in a conflict — I care about our relationship and harmony between us! Could you help me understand the process you went through when you made the decision to buy this couch?”

Notice the four components in the above example: observation, feeling, need, and request. (In the example I chose to say “I value” rather than “I need” to make it slightly less formal.) I did not go to blame, judgment, or criticism. I did not call the other person irresponsible or accuse them of lacking integrity. That would have been the old paradigm, the old set of habit patterns that when I’m hurting emotionally I either lash out or withdraw.

NVC helps me transform that old pattern by giving my communication a tremendous degree of clarity along with selfresponsibility about how I connect!

But the Model itself, by itself, is not NVC!

A fundamental dimension of this whole process is NVC Consciousness!

What is NVC Consciousness?

As I mention above, the NVC Model by itself is not NVC!

NVC is primarily the consciousness and the intentionality that you bring to your interactions!

What does this mean?

If your intention is to create connection first — and out of that connection you have the willingness to co-create a mutually beneficial outcome — that is NVC!

The words, the tools, the framework are in support of that intention!

On the other hand, if your intention is to get your way, be right, or manipulate a specific outcome — then it doesn’t matter how faithfully you apply the framework, it would not be NVC at all!

You can use words that sound like NVC — observation, feeling, need, request — but if the intention to connect and find a win-win outcome is not there then it is not NVC!

The tools give you skillful means for being successful at fulfilling the intention in a more consistent way. The consciousness is primary.

Key Differentiation: Needs vs Strategies

NVC has many key differentiations, some of which we have looked at already, above.

The distinction between needs and strategies is fundamental to NVC, and crucial to understand before we look deeply into money from an NVC lens.

Defining Needs
Needs are at the core of NVC.

When we refer to needs, we are talking about Universal Human Needs — meaning that they apply to all humans.

Needs are the conditions necessary for life to thrive in any human being, regardless of cultural background or geographic location. Examples include love, connection, trust, safety, belonging, selfexpression, and so forth.

Needs can also be seen as core human motivators — they impel us to speak or act. In fact, any time someone says or does something it is in service of one or more needs, whether or not that person is aware of it.

Needs are energies that want to flow, not holes to be filled.

Because needs are universal, they never refer to a specificperson performing a specific  action. “I need you to make me lunch,” is not a Universal Human Need — that would be a strategy.

One thing Marshall Rosenberg, the originator of NVC, recommended — and that I and thousands of my students have found helpful — is to become fluent in needs vocabulary.

My ability to identify needs within myself — or to connect with the needs of others — will be limited if I don’t have the words!

Keep in mind that most of us were not taught needs vocabulary at home or at school! So it would be understandable if you are not already fluent in it.

To assist your efforts, here is a link to a handout with lists of feelings and universal needs.

NVC works by connecting at the level of feelings and needs first.

Once we understand each other, it then flows to figure out together what we want to do, if anything.

Defining Strategies
Strategies are the specific ways we go about meeting needs.

Because of this, they are very important.

As humans, we can get in trouble if we jump to strategies prematurely, before we are connected. Until we are clear what needs we are trying to serve it doesn’t make sense to work on strategies to meet those needs!

Once we feel connected and are clear about each other’s deeper needs, problem-solving naturally becomes collaborative.

Because strategies are the specific ways we try to fulfill needs, by their very nature they are not universal!

When we disagree — when we get into a conflict — it’s about the strategies.

Needs are universal — we all have all of them. So that can’t be the level at which conflicts occur.

Again, conflicts exist at the level of strategies and not needs.

One thing I have found helpful to understand is that for any set of needs, there could be a large number of potential strategies.

Take safety, for example.
Going out and getting to know my neighbors is a strategy that could contribute to my need for safety.

One of my neighbors, experiencing the same need, goes out and buys some firearms. Another neighbor gets an expensive alarm system, and another neighbor gets a couple of big, scary dogs.

It’s the same need — safety — yet totally different strategies!

As a practitioner of NVC I do not let go of, or give up on, my needs! However, I can see myself being flexible on just about any strategy, as long as the needs are met.

Once you get connected, the process of coming up with strategies that can meet the greatest number of needs for the most people can be very creative and exciting!

Taking Strategies Deeper

As we move closer to looking at money through an NVC lens, this next set of differentiations will prove useful!

Below, we look at four kinds of strategies — those that:

• meet a need directly,
• meet some needs at the expense of other needs,
• go directly against the need they’re trying to meet, and
• meet so many needs that, even though they are strategies, we treat them as if they were a need.

Some strategies meet needs directly.
Example: water to thirst. I drink water, my thirst is quenched.

Some strategies meet some needs at the expense of other needs.
Example: smoking. When I used to smoke tobacco it met some needs, namely small breaks during the day (down-time, relaxation) that I thought contributed to productivity. But smoking also went against my needs for health, integrity, and freedom!

Some strategies go directly against the need they’re trying to meet.
Example: Somebody hurt me, so I punch them. My deeper need — deeper than respect and consideration — is compassionate understanding, or empathy. I want the other person to know how much I’m hurting, so I hit them. This goes directly against my need to receive compassionate understanding!

And some strategies meet so many needs that we experience them almost as if they were a need themselves. We call these strategies super-satisfiers.
Example #1: Sex. Sexual connection can meet needs for selfexpression, play, connection, celebration, contribution, exploration, discovery, communion, and more!
Could these needs be met in other ways? Certainly. Can a human being thrive without being sexual in an overt way? I think so.

Nevertheless, because so many needs are wrapped up in one strategy, it’s easy for me to understand why so many people experience sex itself as a need!

Example #2: Money. We have a society that makes it almost impossible to live without money, and in which money is represented as if it were a need. However, money is one of these super-satisfier strategies that meets many needs. Depending on the person and the context, people can use money to try to meet needs for self-esteem, choice and freedom, access to basic necessities, belonging and acceptance, safety, contribution, and so many more!

As you explore money deeply, you can evaluate for yourself what needs you try to satisfy through money, and in which contexts.

Learning and Integrating NVC

While NVC can take time to master, it’s one of the things that has given me the most valuable return on my investment (ROI).

By taking the time to become good at NVC, I have saved myself countless hours as well as a significant amount of energy and grief — because it helped me prevent disagreements, disconnection, and conflicts. When conflicts have occurred, NVC gives me the skills to resolve them in less time! (Now I get paid to help people resolve their complex family and business conflicts!)

You can learn more about the basics of NVC, here.

This book is a classic text for learning the concepts of Nonviolent Communication.

Besides workshops and a practice group, if you want to go deep, I highly recommend attending an International Intensive Training(IIT) put on by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC). At an IIT you live immersed for about 9 days with a group of people sharing the intention to learn NVC.

NVC Basics Overview

You have now mastered the basics of NVC!

You’re aware that, though there is a framework and tools with which you can practice, NVC is primarily the consciousness and the intentionality that you bring to your interactions.

That consciousness can be summarized as the intention to create connection first, and to allow win-win solutions to emerge from the connection.

You can bring this consciousness to your interactions starting now, and improve your skillfulness with the tools over time.

The framework and the tools give you skillful means for being more effective at manifesting that core intention consistently.

You now know that NVC is comprised of three areas where you can put your attention: self-connection, empathy, and honesty.

And you are further aware that each of these three areas has the same four components that give us the building blocks of connecting communication: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

You also have the crucial distinction between needs and strategies, so that you can identify the locus of conflicts as well as the path back to mutually beneficial outcomes: connection before solution!

You also learned about different kinds of strategies, including socalled super-satisfiers, which I believe will add a lot of clarity in our discussion on money.

What is Money?

Asking what money is may seem like a silly question on the surface.

However, below are four definitions of money — each one giving us a different perspective on this seemingly all-important part of our lives.

1) Money is currency. Pull out a $5 bill, pick up a coin off the street — that is money. Or it’s money in your bank account — digital dollars or pesos or francs, transferred at the tap of a smart phone.

This is the most obvious and surface-level definition of what money is: the concrete, tangible currency we use for everyday transactions.

2) Money is a means of exchange. The world has become too complicated for me to take eggs from my chickens down to the store to trade for a loaf of bread.

So money facilitates the transaction. I trade my labor for money, and I can use that same money to buy lumber or a bouquet of flowers or pay for an online streaming service.

This is a more macro definition: money is a means of exchange.

3) Money is whatever we say it is. Money is a story we all agree on. You cannot eat a $100 bill. It has the inherent value of a small piece of paper — basically intrinsically worthless.

But because we all agree that $100 has that value, that little piece of paper gives you certain purchasing power.

In some cultures people used cowry shells as their currency. If I go to my local store and try to pay with cowry shells they would laugh at me or call the police.

We agree that a bill has a certain value — and that’s the only reason it does.

So, money is whatever we say it is — at the level of a shared collective agreement.

4) Money is en expression of your life energy. This definition, inspired by Henry Thoreau, comes from Joe Dominguez, coauthor of the best-selling book Your Money or Your Life.

The value money has is the hours of time (life energy) that you exchanged for it.
Let’s zoom in:
If you have a job that pays you $20/hour — that is how this job values your time.

When you go out and spend $10 — which represents 30 minutes of your time at work in this hypothetical scenario — you have spent that half hour of your life which you traded for that $10.

However, most jobs have costs associated with them — things you need to spend money on in order to keep your job, for example, commuting, food, or laundry. That means that the true hourly wage in this example is now less than $20/hour.

It can be easy for some of us to adopt the mindset that money comes and goes. You spend $20 today but next week you’ll have another $20.

However, you will never get back the hours of your life energy! Once you spend your time it is gone!

Defining money as the time we spent to earn it is a definition that is both very personal and that also applies across cultures. This definition is intrinsic and universal.

Realizing this can help you be more mindful around both how you earn and spend.

Keep in mind that the four definitions above do not negate or exclude each other. And, these four definitions are just the beginning.

In the next section we look at some of the ways in which money is problematic, and after that I give you some additional, useful ways to think about money.

What is the connection between money and happiness?

Here is a video I created several years ago on exactly this question: The Connection between Money and Happiness

The Problem with Money

Money is one of the most emotionally charged topics.

If you’re not sure what I mean, ask someone how much money they make or how much they have in their bank account. It gets awkward pretty quickly!

In this section we look at some of the problematic or challenging aspects of money, including why money is such an emotionally charged topic.

Issues, Baggage, or Trauma Around Money

Joe Dominguez insightfully noted that everyone has some unresolved issues around money.

He identified two conditions that basically guarantee that this is the case:
1) There is no consistent early childhood education about money;
2) The culture in which we live is confused and confusing with regard to money.

Let’s unpack these one at a time:

There is no consistent early childhood education about money.

Each individual’s personal story regarding money is different.

In some homes, money was used as a way to get compliance. It was withheld as a punishment and it was given as a reward or a bribe to manipulate certain behaviors.

Other people grew up with enough and then some, and later felt guilty when they saw people with less.

In some homes mommy and daddy would fight about money.

In some homes mommy and/or daddy would be gone all day — and it had something to do with money.

Parents, caregivers, and other family members would pass along their own trauma or unresolved issues regarding money.

In short, this lack of consistent childhood education about money contributes to a variety of perspectives and outcomes.

The culture in which we live is confused and confusing with regard to money.

The confused and confusing nature of the culture with regard to money shows up in a couple of ways.

One is the number of popular sayings, proverbs, and clichés that we have about money — many of them contradictory.

For example:
“Cash is king,”
and,
“The best things in life are free.”

“Money makes the world go ‘round,”

and yet,

“money can’t buy happiness.”

Another way lack of clarity around money shows up in the culture at-large is the tiny percentage of the population that can make sense of the small print in the back pages of any financial newspaper.

Joe Dominguez writes:
“While no one was paying much attention, economics replaced religion as the touchstone of human life. Like religion, economics has priests and rituals. The purpose of these priests and rituals is to interpret the meaning of events while keeping the people in confusion. Any effort on the part of the masses to connect directly with the realities behind the rituals is considered a sacrilege.” Joe Dominguez, Pogonomics

In other words, there is a massive gap between the terms and concepts common to economists and financial markets and the average person’s financial literacy.

Because of these two conditions — no consistent early childhood education, and a culture that is both confused and confusing regarding money — it is almost impossible for someone to grow up without unresolved issues around to money.

Money is Leveraged in Power-Over Dynamics

A valuable key differentiation in NVC is the distinction between power-with and power-over.

The language that separates us and keeps us disconnected is one of power-over. NVC is a language of power-with — and Marshall Rosenberg used to say that we are much more powerful with power-with.

One of the ways money is used that I see as problematic — meaning that I see many unmet needs in relation to it — is how money is leveraged by those with power in power-over relationships and systems.

Below is a high-level list of ways money is leveraged in powerover dynamics, across personal, organizational, and geopolitical contexts. (Full disclosure: I used ChatGPT to help me brainstorm this list, below, which I then edited.)

This is an abbreviated list, as each one of these items could be unpacked into its own book!

Please keep in mind that none of the issues below is inherent to money! These are ways money is used or applied when human consciousness is limited by a view that only some people’s needs matter, and certainly not everybody’s needs matter. When human consciousness evolves collectively to transcend this limited perspective, it follows that the strategies below will also shift.

• Economic Dependence as Control
  When one party provides financial resources and the other depends on them, the provider can dictate behavior or decisions.
  Impact: Creates fear of loss, learned helplessness, and compliance; undermines autonomy and mutual respect.
• Wage Suppression and Labor Exploitation
  Employers minimize pay relative to workers’ value to maximize profit and control.
  Impact: Reinforces class hierarchy, perpetuates poverty, and limits workers’ bargaining power or ability to exit exploitative conditions.
• Debt as Domination
  Loans — personal, corporate, or national — become mechanisms of control when repayment terms are coercive or unrealistic.
  Impact: Creates cycles of dependency and austerity, restricting the debtor’s sovereignty and ability to invest in wellbeing. In many ways, this is the story of the so-called 3rd world, which leads to:
• Conditional Aid and International Loans
  For many decades, institutions like the IMF or World Bank have attached structural adjustment conditions to loans, leading countries to restructure their entire economy in order to service debt.
  Impact: Forces countries to privatize, cut social spending, or open markets prematurely, deepening inequality and social unrest.
• Gatekeeping Access to Capital
  Those who control credit, venture funding, or investment flows determine whose ideas and futures can thrive.
  Impact: Concentrates innovation and influence in a narrow demographic, often reinforcing racial, gender, and class inequities.
• Inheritance and Intergenerational Power
  Wealth passed through family lines preserves privilege across generations.
  Impact: Entrenches systemic inequality and limits social mobility; opportunity becomes lineage-based rather than merit-based.
• Philanthropy as Influence
  Wealthy individuals or corporations use charitable giving to shape public policy or opinion while preserving control.
  Impact: Undermines democratic decision-making and reframes generosity as a tool of social engineering or image management.
• Monetizing Basic Needs
  When essentials like water, housing, or healthcare are treated as commodities, access depends on purchasing power.
  Impact: Dehumanizes survival, leaving the poor vulnerable and perpetuating structural violence through scarcity.
• Financial Punishment and Withholding
  Money is withheld or withdrawn to punish noncompliance— common in relationships, employment, or parenting.
  Impact: Produces emotional harm, erodes trust, and teaches obedience through fear rather than cooperation.
• Lobbying and Political Capture
  Wealth buys policy influence through campaign donations or revolving-door positions.
  Impact: Distorts democracy into plutocracy, where public interest becomes subordinate to private wealth.
• Media Ownership and Narrative Control
  Those funding or owning media shape what information circulates about economics and power itself.
  Impact: Public perception becomes engineered to normalize inequality and discourage collective resistance.
• Speculative Manipulation and Market Dominance
  Large actors move markets through speculation or algorithmic trading inaccessible to ordinary participants.
  Impact: Extracts wealth from volatility, transferring risk to small investors, workers, and pensioners.
• Educational Access and Credential Gatekeeping
  High tuition and financial barriers restrict who can gain credentials required for influence and power.
  Impact: Produces cycles where privilege reproduces itself under the guise of meritocracy.
• Sexual or Emotional Coercion via Financial Dependency
  One partner controls finances to limit the other’s options or freedom.
  Impact: Traps individuals in abusive dynamics and erodes selfworth, making escape materially and psychologically difficult.
• Colonial and Neocolonial Resource Extraction
  Wealthy nations or corporations exploit natural and human resources in poorer regions under unequal trade terms.
  Impact: Maintains global hierarchies, externalizes environmental and social costs, and drains local autonomy.

Disclosure: I used AI to help me create this graphic.

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”

— Earl Wilson, journalist and syndicated columnist, 1907-1987

Is endless accumulation the highest goal to which a human can aspire?

We live in a society driven by consumerism in which accumulation is sold to us as the highest purpose to which we could aspire.

NVC would encourage us to identify the needs underlying accumulation as a strategy.

Below, I offer you some humorous quotes, an online meme, and a heartfelt poem on precisely this point.
“He who dies with the most toys still dies.”
— Unknown

“Society encourages us to buy things we don’t really need, with money we don’t really have, in order to impress people we don’t really like.”
― various attributions including Will Rogers and Dave Ramsey

My Symphony
To live content with small means;
to seek elegance rather than luxury,
and refinement rather than fashion;
to be worthy, not respectable,
and wealthy, not rich;
to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages
with open heart;
to study hard;
to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently,
await occasions, hurry never;
in a word, to let the spiritual,
unbidden and unconscious,
grow up through the common —
that is my symphony.
— William Henry Channing

“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells.”
J. Paul Getty, industrialist and author, 1892-1976

Money’s Role in Systems

“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules.”
— Joseph “Buzzie” Bavasi, Major League Baseball Executive,
1914-2008

Who counts, political influence, and incentive structures

We have a system of government which increasingly appears to be by and for the wealthy.

A political campaign can cost tens or hundreds of millions of dollars — making political power closely connected to financial power.

And the question about who gets more of a voice in society correlates closely with major wealth. When billionaires control public discourse, many of the voices that could most contribute are kept from participating in a way that can have impact.

The 2010 Citizens United case , was immensely controversial because it equated political campaign spending with free speech giving wealthy individuals and corporations a disproportionate level of influence in US elections.

In the article titled Nonviolent Communication and Mental Wellness: Practical Tools for a Healthy Inner Life, I discuss a place known as Cancer Alley, a stretch of land with over 200 petrochemical plants and refineries where there are unusually large clusters of cancer cases.

Environmental Injustice

Cancer Alley doesn’t get better because of the enormous economic and political influence of the oil and chemical lobbies.

Homelessness
The fact that so many people are unhoused would cease to be an issue if there were profit to be made in eradicating homelessness.

There is not an economic incentive to end homelessness so it does not end.

Seemingly intractable problems (such as homelessness) are so embedded into our stories of who we are and how we see the world that many people consider the current state of affairs as normal. It has been normalized and many of us have become numb to it.

Some problems are built into the way money is created: for example, at the macro level, the fact that it’s created by debt creates its own set of issues.

Money is created through debt?

Yes, at the macro level it appears that much of the economy’s monetary system works that way!

Let’s go back to the premise that money is like a story we all agree on.

When people want to have more money to do something — like build a house or start a business — they often go to a bank for a loan. The bank doesn’t have that money just sitting around. Instead, it creates new money by giving out a loan.

In other words, the bank says, “Sure, we’ll lend you this money, and you promise to pay it back over time with interest.” And abracadabra! That loan is new money entering the system.

This premise that money is created through debt means it’s created when someone borrows it and promises to pay it back later.

One of the problematic aspects of money being created through debt is that it sets up a cycle where, in order to have money in the system somebody has to borrow. And that means there’s always an ongoing debt load somewhere in the economy.

If too many people or companies can’t pay back their loans, this can lead to a financial crisis.

It also means that there’s always a need for the economy to grow so that debts can be paid off, and that can sometimes push unsustainable growth or put pressure on people and resources.

This system in which money is created through debt appears functional in some ways and also has built-in risks.

Externalities and true-cost accounting

Some systemic problems that involve money are actually about what we have chosen to count as important or valuable in the societal balance sheet.

When our methods of economic accounting were first created the Earth seemed infinite in its ability to provide resources as well as to absorb pollution.

Our understanding of the world has evolved far beyond that, but mainstream economics has not.

When we don’t know how to account for certain costs this is called “externalities.”

Let’s take the example of a forest.

A forest provides many “free” services. They are “free” because we don’t know how to account for them economically.
A forest:

• purifies the air,
• prevents soil erosion,
• prevents flooding,
• houses biodiversity,
• gives us beauty,
• filters water for better water quality,
• offers us spaces for inspiration and renewal… the list goes on.

Our current accounting system values a forest for extraction: if we clear-cut it and sell the wood, that is what a forest is worth (to mainstream economics). Or we turn it into an eco-tourism project and the worth of the forest is what we charge people to visit.

According to this view of the world, trees and other species have no intrinsic value. The only value they have within mainstream economic accounting practices is the extent to which we can turn them into cash.

If we clear-cut a forest and that contributes to flooding, soil erosion, etc. — those costs are externalized to other species and future generations.

A not-new but still somewhat vanguard notion is called true-cost accounting in which externalities are internalized to reflect something closer to the true cost.

If we internalized the cost of ruined ecosystems, wars, corruption, and climate change — what would be the true cost of a gallon of gas?

GDP and Throughput
Another systemic issue regarding money is the fact that the health of our economy is measured by GDP.

GDP measures how much money is spent. $20 spent on college textbooks, $20 spent on pesticides, and $20 spent on halloween decorations is the same $20 as far as the GDP is concerned.

If I bicycle to a meeting I don’t contribute that much to GDP. If I drive to the same meeting in a big gas-guzzler, I contribute more to the GDP. If I crash into a school bus, create an accident, and then we have police cars and ambulances involved, it contributes much more to GDP!

Measuring the health of a society primarily through GDP is much like flying an airplane using only the altimeter. “The higher the better” does not equate to health, safety, or effectiveness!

“Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell.”
— Edward Abbey

The issue is that we need better indicators for societal health rather than merely consumption of resources!

Which brings us to the concept of “throughput.”

Throughput is when something goes from raw resources — which are extracted, refined, manufactured, packaged, transported — to being purchased and ultimately thrown away. Throughput is the journey from nature to landfill.

You are probably already putting it together that greater throughput — the faster we turn the planet into garbage — the better that is for the GDP.

This problem involves money but it is not inherent to money. The greater issue is the evolution of human consciousness and understanding, and transforming our systems and structures so that they are more aligned with Life.

“Man did not weave the web of life, he is merely a strand in it. Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.”
― Chief Seattle

A Super-Satisfier of a Strategy

Earlier I parsed out different kinds of strategies, including “supersatisfiers” such as money and sex.

There is nothing inherently wrong with super-satisfier strategies, nor do I have an issue with money being this kind of strategy.

The thing to be aware of is that we confuse these kinds of strategies for needs!

Money can be a valuable strategy — but it, in itself, is not a need.

When we tease apart and identify the needs we are trying to fulfill through money, we more easily identify other strategies that don’t necessarily involve money!

A simple example could be choosing to cook at home with friends rather than eating out. Another could be getting a book from the library rather than purchasing it. For some people these simple notions will seem obvious while for others they may come across as new possibilities.

Reframing Money

In order to have a healthier relationship with money, I have worked on reframing my own understanding to one that I experience as more useful and empowering.

Money is a Tool
One way I have chosen to see money — as it relates to me personally, in my life — is to see and treat it like a tool.

As a tool, money itself is neutral. As a neutral tool, it is neither inherently good or bad. I can use money in ways that serve or detract from life.

Take a hammer, for example: I can use it in the process of building a beautiful home — or I can use it as a weapon to intimidate or hurt another human.

The hammer is not “good” or “bad” — it’s all about the intention with which it is put to use, as well as the impacts of that use.

Take fire, for example: I can use fire to light some candles and have a romantic dinner. Or I can use fire to burn down somebody’s house, causing them great harm.

It is not “the fire’s fault” — it is simply a neutral energy put to a particular use.

And money — like fire — is an extremely powerful energy we can put to use for positive ends, if we so choose.

A nature-based metaphor for money

Despite having studied NVC for 30 years and been a Certified Trainer for more than 20, I am also a student and practitioner of many tools, processes, and modalities.

One of those is Permaculture Design — an ecological design system for working with rather than against nature.

Bill Mollison, one of the originators of Permaculture, wrote many books about it, including the textbook-like tome titled Permaculture: A Designers Manual.

In that book he wrote (and I am paraphrasing) that money is to social systems as water is to natural systems. It is the facilitator of information and nutrients; it can help things grow and flourish.

But, like water, the purpose is not more, more, more — because then you end up with a flood where a flood is not natural. Instead, he suggests, the purpose is to maximize the productive use of that energy (water or money) between when it enters and exits any given system.

“Money is neither my god nor my devil. It is a form of energy that tends to make us more of who we already are, whether it’s greedy or loving.”
— Dan Millman, best-selling author and world champion athlete, 1946-

Japanese Story of Heaven and Hell: a metaphor for what is possible on planet Earth

There is a story I read in a book about Aikido — the famous martial art of peace.

This traditional Japanese story about Heaven and Hell provides a beautiful metaphor for how we can collectively look at questions of money, resources, and power.

Here is my telling of this story:

Once upon a time there was a very virtuous prince. When he died, his guardian angel came to him and said, “You have been a very good person — noble, virtuous, kind to others. I am here to take you to Heaven. But before I take you there I will grant you one wish.”

The prince thought about it briefly and said, “I would like you to show me Hell.”

In a flash they were there, and what he saw in Hell was the following.

In front of them was a large banquet table with the most beautiful and delicious food you can imagine. Everybody sitting around the table had a meter-long chopstick extending from their index and pinky fingers.

The people sitting around the table looked gaunt, irritated, and under-fed. They argued and fought with each other. And because no one could feed themselves due to the 3-foot-long chopsticks, they spent their time knocking food off of each other’s chopsticks.

They had this beautiful banquet, and nobody could enjoy the food.

That was Hell.

Then the angel took the prince to Heaven.

In front of them was a large banquet table with the most beautiful and delicious food you can imagine. Everybody sitting around the table had a meter-long chopstick extending from their index and pinky fingers.

The people sitting around the table looked happy and well fed.

They enjoyed each other’s company and good conversation.

Because no one could feed themselves due to the 3-foot-long chopsticks, they spent their time extending food to one another.

That was Heaven.

I would like you to take a moment to take in the significance of this metaphor. Is it not like planet Earth today?

What could be different? What is possible?

NVC Strategies for Handling Money

Below is a brief survey-level overview of a few concrete NVCaligned practices for working with money. We will start at the macro level and then get more concrete into the inter-personal and personal spheres.

Macro-level strategies

There are many ways we can use money in more Life-serving, NVC-aligned ways.

At the systemic level I gave you one example: internalize externalities so that prices come closer to reflecting the true cost of things.

At the macro level I’ve observed the development of other economic paradigms such as Steady-State Economics and Barefoot Economics, the latter pioneered by Manfred Max-Neef, someone who Marshall Rosenberg cited and of whom he was a fan.

One similarity between these two approaches is that they move away from a growth-oriented, consumeristic society and reimagine economics as a force for meeting human needs.

Though it’s beyond the scope of this article to go deeply into these macro strategies, authors I like who go deep into this include Hazel Henderson, Herman Daly, Paul Hawken, and David Korten.

What about at a personal level?

Micro-level strategies

Following is a collection of things I do at a personal level and in my business.

No one turned away for lack of funds

For 20 years virtually all the promotional and marketing materials for my events and workshops have had a message included: “No one turned away for lack of funds.” This has made sure that my offerings were accessible to people who could not afford them.

Has anyone who could afford it abused this policy? Probably. Do I care? Not really. Why? They probably would not have attended anyway, they may have received something valuable and perhaps reconsidered their approach, and, after all, it’s their karma, not mine. I sincerely believe that being dishonest hurt them more than
it hurt me. But in my estimation, this is 1% or less of participants.

It’s a strong value of mine that people with financial scarcity could attend my workshops, and so I’ve held to this strategy.

Occasionally, the wording might be different: “Please reach out if
you need financial assistance.”

Over the years, many people have reached out saying they could not afford the price-tag on a given offering.

My first question in these cases is usually, “well, what can you afford?” — knowing full well that I will say yes to the amount they tell me.

I have tried other approaches as well, including discount codes and “dana” (see below).

The main point:
I have tried hard to make sure the amount shown on my offerings is experienced as a request rather than a demand!

Natural Generosity or Dana

I have offered many classes or workshops through dana — (spelled dāna in Sanskrit) — which roughly translates to good will offering or natural generosity.

In these cases I have let people choose their own price — including $0.
Has this helped or hurt me financially? It’s hard to say!

Earlier this year I offered a dana-based training in which I had over 100 participants. Many people paid zero while a few paid more than I would have charged!

When I offer something this way, I need to make sure that I can financially absorb the impact regardless of what participants choose to do!

Criteria-Based Donations
In many situations in which I choose to use a dana-based approach — whether a class or a private coaching client — I will give people criteria to consider before making a donation.

I give these to you here, in case they are helpful to think about.

My materials say:
“You may donate before, during, or after the event. Before choosing an amount to contribute, I ask that you consider the following criteria:

• To what extent were or will your needs be met?
• What is your financial situation? (Everybody’s is different.)
• How much can you contribute that is still joyful (short of resenting it)?
• Pick an amount that is doable for you that also feels like a bit of a stretch, so that you feel invested in this course. The sense of being invested is important!
• To what extent would you like to support this work?”

By giving people these criteria to think about, they are more likely to make a conscious decision that will feel good to both of us!

Money Pile: a collaborative earnings game

Lastly, there’s a game some people in our network play. I’m not sure where it originated, though I think I heard about it from two colleagues: Dominic Barter and Miki Kashtan.

The last time my team and I played Money Pile, it went a little something like this:

I made sure the team and I had some time set aside after the workshop for this process. (This is very important, which I learned the hard way.)

We then sat around a large piece of newsprint. Someone laid out the financials for the workshop: gross revenue minus expenses gave us net revenue. This told us how much money we had to play with, and it was written in the middle of the newsprint.

Now, everybody took turns “pushing” money to each other. If I wanted to push a certain amount to someone, I would tear off a small corner of the newsprint, write the amount, and tell the group who I was pushing it to and why. “I really appreciate the time and effort Suzie put into marketing the workshop, so I would like to push $50 to Suzie.”

Anyone can push money to anyone else, including themselves! In our money pile game the organization was an entity people could push money to as well, in oder to pay for organizational expenses or setting up future offerings.

And anyone in the circle can take money from anyone else and push it to someone else, stating why. For example, “I’m going to take $10 from Suzie’s $50 and pass it to Mark to offset the printing costs he covered.” That person would then write $10 on a new slip, pass it to Mark, and Suzie’s slip would get updated from $50 to $40.

This continues until all the money is distributed and everyone feels satisfied.

A couple of keys to this exercise: all the resources are transparently visible to all, and everyone has an equal say in expressing where they think resources should go.

Because money is often a challenging topic, this game can feel a little edgy! And, it provides a perfect place for people to use their NVC skills to express their observations, feelings, needs, and requests! We stay connected while we use the strategy of this game to decide where the money should go.

When no-one has any money they want to push anywhere else that assumes that everyone’s needs are met: the game is over — the post-event money distribution has been decided.

An additional resource

In this article I’ve mentioned Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin. They created the Financial Integrity Program which is explained in their book, Your Money or Your Life.

• This is an intro video I created on the Financial Integrity
  Program:
  Blackbelt Money Skills Intro [Financial Integrity — Your Money orYour Life]
• Here is a course I taught for NVC Academy on the Financial
  Integrity Program:
  Financial Integrity: Your Money AND Your Life (6 Session Course)

Conclusion

Money is an emotionally charged and confusing topic, and understandably so.

While money itself is neutral, people use it for good (to do things that meet needs) or for ill (things that go against needs). Some of these are in someone’s personal life, or in their relationship or family — and some of these strategies are at the level of systems and structures.

The key thing to understand is that money is not a need. Money is a strategy. Because it is a super-satisfier of a strategy, it can be easy to over-rely on it.

Nevertheless, money is a strategy we can use — like water to natural systems — to contribute to life.

“They deem me mad because I will not sell my days for gold; and I deem them mad because they think my days have a price.” — Kahlil Gibran, Lebanese American artist, poet, and writer 1883-1931.

“Only when the last tree has died and the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money.” — Cree Indian Proverb

Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication and Money

Dr. Rosenberg saw many of the cultural and individual challenges connected to money.

As he was developing NVC, he saw that charging for something is often a demand. “Here’s the amount, take it or leave it. If you can pay, fine. If not, go away.”

He struggled with how to turn asking for money into a request rather than a demand. Because, even if it’s a clear request on the part of the asker, people will often hear a demand, regardless!

Marshall Rosenberg had a variety of experiments with how to bring NVC consciousness to the question of money.

He shared with me in a personal conversation about how hard it was in the early days of NVC for people to understand that, even though he did have financial needs, he was not charging for workshops.

Unfortunately, he ended up needing to have so many individual conversations with people that it became draining. So after that, his workshops had a price tag which he held as a request. He would engage in negotiating with people only when necessary, or would leave that part to workshop organizers.

Nevertheless, the spirit of money exchanging hands only as a gift is still largely aspirational in much of the NVC network.

For our perception and use of money to come into alignment with NVC consciousness will require a critical mass of people doing that work and teaching others how to do it.

“Money is not the problem!
The trick lies in the purpose toward which money is directed, and the intention with which it is given and received.”
— Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

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