Nonviolent Communication and Narcissism: Compassion Without Collusion and Understanding Without Excusing

by Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer

Introduction: Why Narcissism Is So Confounding

There is a particular kind of confusion that arises when you are trying to practice Nonviolent Communication (NVC) with someone whose behavior conforms to what people describe as narcissistic.

You may question yourself, second-guess your perception, and wonder whether you are being compassionate — or being manipulated.

You may find yourself frozen, overextending empathy at your own expense, or abandoning NVC principles entirely and retreating into diagnosis: “They’re a narcissist.”

In my own life, I have encountered this most directly in my family system and in community leadership settings.

The hardest part was not the intensity of the other person’s behavior, but the impact on my own clarity, the subtle self-doubt, and the confusing sense of being trapped between compassion and self-protection.

Among NVC practitioners, I see a pattern of three reactions when confronted with behavior that could be described as narcissistic:

1. Freezing in confusion,
2. Extending compassion beyond capacity, a subtle form of self-abandonment which can lead to self-harm,
3. Abandoning NVC consciousness altogether and reducing the person to a diagnosis.

While these responses are understandable, I don’t see any of them serving us well.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who developed NVC, famously said “there is no such thing as mental illness.” Applied to narcissism, this statement can sound naïve — or even dangerous, though it is neither.

In the pages that follow I make sense of his statement in a way that is intended to be both clarifying and pragmatic.

From an NVC perspective, narcissism is not a fixed identity or moral defect. It is a defensive strategy organized around unmet needs. Seeing this clearly does not require tolerating harm. In fact, it gives us the clarity to practice empathy without enabling, and to have boundaries without shame or blame.

NVC does not ask you to choose between compassion and protection. It teaches you how to practice both — especially in the presence of harmful behavior, including that described as narcissistic.

Before we look more deeply into how NVC helps us understand narcissism, let’s define each separately.

What Is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, is a consciousness practice, a communication framework, and a way of seeing human behavior.

Its core premise is radical in its simplicity:

Human beings all have the same underlying core motivators, which we call universal human needs.

All behavior and communication is an attempt to meet needs, whether or not we are aware of what those needs are!

Conflicts occur at the level of the concrete attempts — strategies — to meet needs.

When we connect at the level of needs, first — then it is easier to find the strategies that can meet the most needs.

NVC has a concrete framework, sometimes referred to as the NVC Model, which I also think of as the tools. NVC also has a set of principles and a core intentionality, often referred to as NVC Consciousness.

The Tools of NVC

The NVC Model distinguishes between:

• Observations — the neutral facts describing what happened as opposed to a story, evaluation, or interpretation about what happened.
• Feelings — our emotional experience, as opposed to language that sounds like feelings but which could contain judgment or blame.
• Needs — core human motivators and longings, distinct from the specific, concrete strategies we use to attend to or fulfill those needs.
• Requests — asking for what would enrich our life; clear, doable actions performed or denied freely — as opposed to demands, in which the action itself becomes more important than the relationship or the other person’s needs.

Of these, the critical distinction that sets NVC apart is between needs and strategies.

Needs are universal: safety, dignity, belonging, autonomy, mattering, connection, and so forth.

Strategies are the specific behaviors used to try to meet those needs.

This distinction becomes essential when discussing narcissism because for any set of needs there could be dozens or hundreds of potential strategies.

It’s the behaviors and the strategies that cause harm, not the underlying needs.

It’s the strategies and behaviors where the friction of conflict happens.

Friction and conflict don’t occur at the level of universal human needs because (1) we all share the same needs, and (2) the needs themselves don’t reference any specific person or action.

Observations, feelings, needs, and requests are the four components of the NVC Model.

These components occur in three areas where we can put our attention in service of connection: self-connection, empathic listening, and authentic self-expression.

When you learn NVC, you are in part learning how to stay self-connected while you listen and speak in a way that leads to more harmony, connection, and mutual understanding.

These are skills you develop over time for applying the tools effectively.

Besides the model, NVC also has a consciousness and an intentionality.

No matter how skilled you become with the tools, you will not get the results you’re looking for if you miss the consciousness of NVC.

NVC Consciousness

NVC consciousness centers around compassionate giving and receiving.

It is based on a recognition that we all have the same universal human needs and stands firmly in the conviction that a mutually beneficial outcome is usually possible.

NVC consciousness recognizes the limitations of manipulation, coercion, and motivating people out of fear, guilt, shame, and “should” thinking. When we create alienation in our relationships our very own needs go unmet!

NVC consciousness sees the wisdom of prioritizing relationships over unilateral decisions — because shared, co-created solutions are usually the most effective and long-lasting.

NVC, as a practice of compassionate dialog, helps you create mutually agreeable outcomes consistently.

In summary, NVC is a process for creating the high quality of connection out of which people naturally enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being.

Learning NVC

You can learn more about the basics of NVC, here.

This book is a classic text for learning the concepts of Nonviolent Communication.

I recommend getting yourself trained through workshops and ideally a practice group.

If you want to go deep, I highly recommend attending an International Intensive Training (IIT) put on by the Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC). At an IIT you live immersed for about 9 days with a group of people sharing the intention to learn NVC — which is one of the most effective ways to deepen your understanding and skills.

What Is Narcissism? A Simple Overview

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual on Mental Disorders (DSM) has received a lot of criticism over the years — and NVC tends to eschew diagnoses based on static language.

However, I refer to the DSM in this section for two reasons: (1) I want the lay reader to see the perspective of conventional mental health professionals, and (2) many of our readers are mental health professionals for whom NVC can offer a powerful re-frame, on narcissism specifically and on mental illness in general.

In everyday language, “narcissism” often refers to selfishness or arrogance.

Clinically, Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) — as defined in the DSM-5-TR (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision) — includes patterns of grandiosity, entitlement, need for admiration, and impaired empathy.

Narcissism is best understood as a spectrum:

• Healthy self-regard at one end,
• Narcissistic traits (defensiveness, image-consciousness, fragile self-esteem) in the middle,
• Rigid, exploitative, and harmful patterns at the extreme end.

For mental health professionals reading this: diagnostic language can be very useful! It helps identify patterns and guide treatment. NVC does not dismiss this utility. NVC questions whether diagnoses alone can explain human behavior at the level of universal human needs.

From developmental psychology, including some of the work of Austrian-American psychologist Heinz Kohut, as well as object relations theory, narcissistic patterns often emerge from:

• Inconsistent emotional attunement at a very young age,
• Conditional love,
• Chronic shame,
• Overvaluation without genuine empathy,
• Emotional neglect.

Translated into NVC language, these point to unmet needs for:

• Being seen and understood,
• Unconditional acceptance,
• Belonging,
• Emotional safety,
• Mutuality,
• Stable self-worth.

What we call narcissism can be understood as a protective structure built around unmet relational needs.

And it bears repeating: having an empathic understanding about narcissism is different from justifying, excusing, or tolerating harmful behavior.

How NVC Understands Mental Health

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, who had a PhD in clinical psychology, was known to have said “there is no such thing as mental illness.”

In fact, he could stand in front of an auditorium full of mental health professionals and make a powerful case defending his claim.

That statement, however, was also often misunderstood.

Dr. Rosenberg was not denying psychological suffering, trauma, or neurological differences.

He was challenging identity-based pathologizing that dehumanizes people and shuts down curiosity.

When we say, “She is a narcissist,” curiosity ceases and explanation often stops.

A diagnosis — while sometimes clinically useful — depends on static language in which the verb to be becomes essential. In everyday life, diagnoses are often overused casually by people who use them as judgments rather than as a professional assessment.

In life-alienated thinking and language (the opposite of NVC) the verb “to be” is very important! This is how we know “who is what” — especially who is bad and deserves to be punished.

Rather than emphasizing static labels, NVC is a process language which recognizes that life is dynamic.

From an NVC lens, mental health is about flexibility, emotional regulation, connection to needs, and the capacity for mutuality.

Narcissistic patterns often involve:

• Extreme shame avoidance,
• Identity fused with image,
• Difficulty tolerating criticism,
• Collapse or aggression under perceived threat,
• Conditional empathy.

Seeing narcissism as a defensive strategy preserves human dignity — but it does not erase impact.

The static label stops further inquiry and curiosity.

Instead, concrete behaviors and their effects can be assessed from the standpoint of whether or not they attend to universal human needs.

Pathologizing behavioral patterns can close avenues to greater wholeness.

If There Is “No Mental Illness,” Is There No Such Thing as Narcissism?

If Dr. Rosenberg said there is no such thing as mental illness, does that mean NVC says there is no such thing as narcissism?

No.

Part of the challenge is that narcissism is not a single observation. As discussed above, it exists on a complex spectrum and involves cognitive and behavioral patterns.

NVC does not deny patterns — it reframes them.

“Narcissism” describes recurring strategies that attempt to protect a fragile sense of self. Those strategies can cause real harm.

Understanding the needs underneath does not mean excusing the behavior.

NVC replaces the question:

“What is wrong with this person?”

with:

“What unmet needs might be driving this behavior?”

And for those relating to someone with narcissistic patterns, NVC also invites another line of inquiry:

“What are my needs, and how can they be met?
What do I need in order to remain safe, dignified, and whole?”

Both of these lines of inquiry are valuable.

From the perspective of NVC everyone’s needs matter. However, nothing in NVC guarantees that all needs will be met all the time in the way people prefer.

NVC holds all the needs with care and attempts to find strategies that meet the most needs for the greatest number.

And yet… if my needs are consistently unfulfilled in a particular relationship, how do I exercise self-care in a way that preserves my own integrity and everyone’s dignity?

NVC gives you a consciousness and tools to navigate these super challenging situations more effectively than would be possible without NVC.

The Three Unhelpful Poles

When NVC practitioners encounter narcissistic behavior, I see three patterns commonly emerge:

1) Freeze

Here we see confusion, self-doubt, and walking on eggshells.

Gaslighting can erode internal clarity and the nervous system shifts into survival mode.

2) Self-Sacrificing Compassion

Here we see earnest attempts to connect that feel unsuccessful and can look like unending one-way empathy. Sometimes this also shows up as explaining away harmful behavior, and staying in damaging dynamics.

This would be compassion without boundaries, which is not NVC. Rather, when prolonged, it becomes a form of self-abandonment.

3) Pathologizing Retreat

“They’re a narcissist.”

Here, the diagnosis becomes a wall, curiosity disappears, and there is a pathology to be managed. NVC principles are largely abandoned.

None of these three responses embody the full power of NVC.

Compassionate Boundaries: The Missing Integration

NVC does not require tolerating harm. Quite the opposite, NVC would ask you to be clear about your feelings, needs, and requests — so that you can not only avoid harm, but move toward thriving in a way that is compatible with the needs of those around you. This can be quite challenging for people with narcissistic tendencies.

Creating boundaries, even with expert-level NVC, is easier said than done. Sometimes we see ourselves as stuck in a highly uncomfortable situation for a significant time-period. Walking away does not appear as an option. An example of this would be a co-parenting situation.

Marshall Rosenberg distinguished between punitive use of force and protective use of force. Protective use of force is used to protect life and to prevent harm — not to punish.

While NVC preferences dialog and mutually co-created solutions, it also makes space for unilateral actions as a last resort.

Compassion says:

“I can imagine unmet needs underneath this behavior.”

Boundaries say:

“This behavior does not work for me, what boundary will serve me and others in this situation?”

Examples could include:

• Ending or pausing a conversation when the volume rises sharply.
• Refusing to engage with behavior you experience as manipulative, while remaining curious about your own and the others’ needs.
• Implementing accountability structures in organizational leadership.
• Leaving a dynamic you experience as abusive.

Empathy does not necessarily lead to access.

Understanding does not mean tolerating harm.

Compassion does not negate consequences.

Love can be unconditional, but relating is conditional.

Pressure-Testing the Thesis: Hard Cases

Let’s look at cases of emotional abuse and gaslighting, as well as issues of leadership in community.

Emotional Abuse and Gaslighting

If you experience your partner as consistently dismissing your feelings and distorting reality, NVC does not require you to decode their childhood wounds indefinitely.

NVC would have you go to self-empathy first:
“I feel anxious and disoriented. I need clarity and safety.”

And NVC could have you state a clear boundary:
“When you say to me the words ‘that’s not how you really feel’ I experience it as an invalidation of my feelings. I need a break from this conversation right now so that I can get my bearings about what I want to do. I will reach out some time in the next week.”

If your experience of coercion persists, protective use of force may include leaving that relationship as a possible option. Leaving a relationship from the standpoint of connection with your needs and then choosing the wisest strategies is different than leaving a relationship based on thoughts of rightness and wrongness. From the outside they may look the same, but they are worlds apart!

Understanding unmet needs does not require absorbing harm.

Narcissistic Leadership in Community

In community leadership, narcissistic patterns can include:

• Consolidation of power,
• Retaliation against dissent,
• Image management over substance.

An NVC response may include:

• Naming observable impact,
• Establishing structural accountability,
• Redistributing power,
• Stepping away if reform is impossible.

NVC is not naïve about power.

NVC is based on an understanding that we are much more powerful when we engage in relationships of power-with rather than power-over.

A narcissistically inclined mind tends toward power-over relating.

By including NVC’s structural wisdom we can adjust systems and structures to be more life-serving and less susceptible to self-serving takeovers.

What Makes Growth Possible?

Change becomes possible when there is:

• Capacity for self-reflection,
• Ability to receive feedback without hearing an attack,
• Acknowledgment of impact separate from intention,
• Therapeutic support.

Growth is unlikely when there is:

• Chronic blame-shifting,
• Persistent gaslighting,
• Refusal of responsibility,
• Continued harm without remorse.

Discernment is an important component of compassion!

Hope Without Naivety

NVC does not eliminate narcissistic patterns — it transforms how we relate to them.

The more we create cultures where:

• Needs can be expressed without humiliation,
• Shame is metabolized rather than projected,
• Power is shared rather than hoarded, and
• Accountability is normalized,

… then the fewer defensive identity structures will be required.

Notice your tendency to freeze, self-sacrifice, blame yourself, or abandon needs-based compassion… and then,

…be gentle with yourself.

You can understand the unmet needs driving another’s behavior — and still protect your own needs.

NVC empowers you to have compassion without collusion, empathy without naivety, and boundaries without guilt or blame.

In a world where narcissistic patterns are amplified by image culture and concentrated power, that integration is not only personal work, it is also cultural work.

Marshall Rosenberg on Nonviolent Communication and Mental Illness

Marshall Rosenberg was interested in finding ways that people could resolve their differences without resorting to violence.

He identified clearly the type of thinking and language that leads people to enjoy violence.

Much of that language involves labeling and categorizing people — a form of othering — which easily leads to dehumanizing the other person: “oh, she’s just crazy,” or “he’s a total narcissist.”

These labels are then used to justify violence; after all, they deserve it “because they are so _____.”

In NVC we avoid diagnosing — not because valid medical diagnoses don’t exist — but because as soon as I have the label of you in my mind suddenly I’m not as present with the human being in front of me as I am to a static label: “he is a narcissist.”

Even seemingly innocuous roles — like parent/child, teacher/student, therapist/patient, boss/employee — can get in the way of being present with each other, human to human.

The thought itself gets in the way of what could be a human-to-human connection, and instead I’m relating to a label.

These labels are often overused. Mainly they disconnect us.

Instead, Marshall Rosenberg encouraged us to start with a clear observation — just the neutral facts: “Yesterday I spent two hours with my friend during which he told me about his life and activities, and I do not recall him asking me about my life or my experience.”

Observations are just the beginning.

The essence of NVC is compassionate giving and receiving.

And one of the limitations of NVC is access.

If we don’t have access, then there will not be the kind of dialog that leads to effective giving and receiving compassionately.

When two people are punching each other, or two groups are shooting at each other, we don’t have access to the kind of meaningful dialog that could lead to a mutually satisfying outcome.

Sometimes someone chooses to cut off access — usually as a response to being in emotional pain.

Likewise, if someone is whacked out on drugs or alcohol we don’t have access.

And sometimes psychological coping mechanisms developed early in life as survival strategies — one of which is described as “narcissism” — also limit our access to connecting at a deeper level.

Marshall Rosenberg encouraged us to hold on to our needs tightly but to our strategies loosely.

Continuing to engage with this person is a strategy, not a need. (In some situations, such as co-parenting, it’s nearly impossible to disconnect entirely.)

By evaluating a situation from the heart — with feelings and needs, rather than through thought-based blame, criticism, judgment, labeling, and diagnosing — I am much more likely to find strategies that meet more needs.

Again, love is unconditional, but relating is conditional.

What you can do:

1. Notice if and when you are labeling or diagnosing another (beyond labels, diagnosing also includes assuming what their thoughts, feelings, or intentions are);
2. Identify clear observations, feelings, needs, and requests;
3. Do your best to stay in a compassionate consciousness, starting toward yourself.

Of course, this is a starting point!

As you progress in NVC your increasing skillfulness will give you confidence and the ability to identify greater options.

The path opens up as you walk it.

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