Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and Productivity
By Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer
Introduction
This article covers the intersection of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and the topic of productivity.
Below, I will briefly explain this remarkable process we call NVC, followed by a deep dive into productivity and the relationship between the two.
I love being productive, and yet I think the degree to which we value it culturally is sometimes misplaced.
My intentions in this article are to contribute something valuable to you, inspire you to incorporate NVC in your life, and to give you additional resources for developing your interpersonal skills so that you can become a more powerful communicator.
What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
Explanation of NVC and its origins
NVC gives you a new paradigm for relating with yourself and other people.
Its purpose is to help you create the high quality of connection out of which you are most likely to get your needs met in a way that is in harmony with the needs of others.
NVC is based on the premise that people are motivated by the same core human needs which we all share.
When we can connect with our own and others’ deeper needs, then conflicts are prevented and resolved more quickly and we can get back to the game of making life more wonderful.
Overview of Marshall Rosenberg and his contributions to NVC
NVC was created by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., a student of famous psychologist Carl Rogers. At the time, Rogers was interested in empathy and the question of why it is that authentic human connection can be so healing.
When I met Dr. Rosenberg in 1995, he called himself “a recovering psychotherapist” because he said he had been taught a language that labeled people through diagnoses that precluded any possibility of authentic human to human connection.
So Dr. Rosenberg set out to identify the elements in language, thought, communication, and the use of power that could most contribute to authentic and empathic connection between people.
This way of communicating and connecting we call NVC, besides being more enjoyable and calming to peoples’ nervous systems, has widespread practical ramifications in family, work, and beyond!
Importance and benefits of NVC in everyday life.
NVC has helped me transform the most significant relationships in my life — and those that did not need transformation have been deepened and improved.
I coach Executive Directors, CEOs, and other leaders on crucial conversations within and beyond their professional teams, as well as within their families.
NVC turns out to be an exceptional framework for leaders to foster a connected organizational culture, increase employee retention, minimize employee turnover, and lower everybody’s stress with, among other things, (a) fewer miscommunications and (b) the implementation of clear, actionable requests — this last one being one of NVC’s superpowers.
Studies in which people approaching death are interviewed show that their most significant joys and regrets are not in the realm of consumerism, acquisition, or wealth — but land squarely in the realm of their interpersonal relationships.
NVC not only helps you navigate stressful situations and conflicts more effectively. It helps you create more ease in, and enjoyment of, all the important relationships in your life. This frees up an enormous amount of daily mental and emotional energy often trapped in fractious relationships and conflicts. This freed up energy, reduced tension and stress, and enhanced sense of connectedness also contributes to reducing the loneliness epidemic and leads to better long-term health outcomes.
Understanding Productivity
The culture I live in values productivity above almost everything else!
However, from an NVC perspective, productivity itself is not a need…
How do we make sense of this?
Definition of productivity and why it matters
A simple way of defining productivity would be to say that it equals more output per unit of time; getting more done, greater yield — in any given time-frame.
This would make efficiency a close synonym.
Unfortunately, this is not a very useful definition because it ignores a simple reality about productivity.
Productivity is not one thing. It can be defined objectively, with external measures, or subjectively, based on one’s perception.
We even use it as a feeling: “I’m not feeling very productive today,” or, “This has felt like a very productive week!” (In NVC we understand that this is not an actual feeling, though there may be feelings and emotions that accompany the perception of having been or not been productive.)
Here is how I think of productivity:
Productivity is an interpretation of the results of a series of specific actions (strategies) in the service of needs.
Let me explain what I mean.
Productivity itself is not a universal human need. It is not one of the conditions necessary for life to thrive in a human, the way love and trust are.
Productivity can be confusing because from the outside someone might seem or appear productive, but that person might not have the experience of having been productive. And vice versa: someone might have the subjective experience that they were very productive, but an outside observer might have a different perspective.
This is why I write that productivity is an interpretation. And more often than not, it’s an interpretation not of one action but multiple actions taken over time.
These actions are in the service of universal human needs — and which needs, specifically, is entirely context-dependent.
As alluded to previously, there’s an additional way of defining productivity, which is when a group together decides on an objective measurement and calls that “productive”: how many passengers moved, how much product sold, how many customers served per hour. This definition-by-shared-agreement reinforces the fact that “productivity” is not something objectively real in the same way that the color of the sky is blue; the group still had to choose something more or less arbitrary to define as productive.
The question remains: why has productivity become so valuable and seemingly all-important? My answer: Because of the story we tell ourselves and each other about what it means.
For some productivity equals contribution, for others meaning and purpose, and for others self-worth.
So if productivity is not a need, doesn’t getting a lot done contribute to the fulfillment of needs?
Yes and no. More on this below.
Common misconceptions about productivity
Productivity has a positive, life-serving side to it. It also has what we could call a shadow side. Sometimes “being productive” leads to unfulfilled needs…
Productive vs busy
One distinction I have found valuable professionally is the difference between being productive and being busy.
I can shuffle a lot of papers and files and be very busy — and still not have achieved much that gives me the sense of fulfillment or satisfaction that I associate with productivity.
It turns out you can be very busy without being productive.
Needs met and not
Getting a lot done can meet many needs. For example, imagine yesterday I worked non-stop for 10 hours, with enough short breaks to keep myself fresh. I would have gotten a lot done. We might even call it productive!
… but what about the unmet needs? Did I spend any time in nature? Did I spend any time with my family? Did I learn about other things, besides work? Was I sitting all day while I was “productive”? How does a sedentary lifestyle affect my health and longevity?
The push toward ever-more productivity
And what about Karoshi (Japanese: 過労死), literally “death by overwork”? This became so common in Japan, that they invented a new word for it! And then there’s karōjisatsu (Japanese: 過労自
殺), which is suicide due to the mental stress caused by work.
Can you imagine someone choosing for their epitaph: “I wish I had spent more time at work”?
And yet, sometimes we regard others or ourselves as if we were machines, simply created for the 9-to-5-till-you-die… as if our minds were colonized by an industrial mindset that forgets about the myriad ways life can be wonderful for humans!
The drive toward ever-more productivity does indeed have costs.
Productivity’s Deeper Drives
To this author it seems that a lot of productivity goes directly toward meeting needs, for example, contribution to others and livelihood needs.
At the same time, much of people’s drive to be productive goes beyond a means for a livelihood and a way to contribute, and is instead driven by a desire for more and more money and things.
How many of us are caught up in the process of spending money we don’t even have, to buy things we don’t even need, in order to impress people we don’t even like?
At some point we forgot that the purpose of the Industrial Revolution was to let machines do the work we didn’t want to do, so that we could get on with living wonderful lives on planet Earth!
Productivity for productivity’s sake is empty and unfulfilling.
Productivity only fulfills us when it’s in the service of deeper needs, in the service of Life.
Only when the last tree has been cut down, the last fish been caught, and the last stream poisoned, will we realize we cannot eat money.
— Cree Proverb
The value of leisure
As a counter-balance to the relentless drive toward productivity is leisure, which is actually not the opposite. Leisure can be life- serving, such as when you’re exploring a new hobby, learning new things, re-charging, or connecting with loved ones.
As many leaders know, staff downtime is also an investment in future productivity.
The role of mindset and emotional well-being in productivity
What is the role of mindset and emotional well-being in productivity?
Going through emotional turmoil takes a lot of energy, and negatively impacts productivity because it is both draining and distracting. When I am going through emotional turmoil I find it very hard to focus let alone get much done!
And, distinct from but related to emotional balance, my mindset makes a big difference as well.
I used to try to force myself to be productive, even if I was in a negative space, or had something in the back of my mind distracting me. This led to some tasks taking twice as long!
Now, I’ve learned that trying to force things can be counterproductive!
If I take some time to handle distractions and get myself in the right mindset, then my attempt at productivity is more efficient and effective. Most often I end up saving time, even though I took time up front to get in the right mental space.
Using NVC, I might practice self-empathy or get empathic support from a friend as ways to get back in the mental and emotional space that will support what I want to accomplish.
A self-defeating mindset, or feeling emotional overwhelm, negatively impacts my productivity.
The Connection Between NVC and Productivity
So we have established that “productivity” is not a need, but rather something that can support the fulfillment of needs.
And we’ve established that defining productivity can be tricky, since it is mostly a subjective interpretation or experience. Productivity remains subjective unless and until objective measures are established, and even when those benchmarks are met, the subjective experience may not be one of “feeling productive”.
So, what is the connection between NVC and productivity?
How NVC principles can enhance productivity
How do insights derived from NVC contribute to productivity?
The first thing about how NVC principles can contribute to productivity is knowing <why you’re doing what you’re doing!
I was once hired to coach the owner of a business, and as I inquired deeply as to why he wanted to hire me, he eventually got to: I want to know my own and my business partner’s deeper motivations.
Know thyself: what is motivating you?
(Tip: once you are adept at and have a language for identifying your own deeper motivations — also known as Universal Human Needs — it’s then easier to understand others’ motivations too.)
NVC can lend clarity about your deeper motivations, so let’s look into it a bit more!
Intrinsic vs extrinsic motivators
One of the more meaningful insights NVC has to offer is around what motivates people, including the distinction between intrinsic and extrinsic motivations.
Extrinsic motivations are external. We want the raise, the new job title, the special parking spot, or the corner office. These are all things external to us that are nevertheless connected to deeper, interior needs of which people may or may not be conscious.
For example, once I have the corner office then people will respect me. When I have others’ respect, my needs for acceptance and belonging are met (theoretically). And once I have others’ acceptance, only then I can accept myself. In this example, the deeper need behind wanting the corner office is self- acceptance. Very often this ‘chain of motivations’ is unconscious or semi-conscious.
Intrinsic motivations are internal. External events or circumstance correlate with an internal life-serving need, but the key difference here is that I am aware of and connected to my needs or deeper motivations.
When we are culturally conditioned to chase after extrinsic motivators we can become disconnected from our intrinsic needs. A person’s focus centers around getting the Lamborghini while unaware that at the root is the need for self-esteem, for example.
In the workplace, extrinsic ways of motivating employees work — but only for the short term — until people realize they’re being manipulated.
When people are connected to their intrinsic needs behind a task, nobody has to do something artificial to motivate them or make any attempts to enforce compliance.
By emphasizing a vocabulary of Universal Human Needs — and elegantly connecting needs to a concrete stimulus (observation), our emotional life (feelings), and an actionable request so that forward movement can happen — NVC naturally cultivates an awareness and a prioritization of intrinsic motivators.
Identifying and addressing barriers to productivity through NVC
NVC gives us a new paradigm for relating to ourselves and others — and also for how to navigate relationships of unequal power.
The old paradigm is one of power-over: “do as I say.” The new paradigm is one of power-with: “what’s the best solution we can arrive at, together.”
So it’s probably not a surprise that demands, should’s, and have- to’s are more likely to generate resistance or lead to demotivation rather than to greater productivity.
When people don’t have buy-in into the decisions that affect them, when they don’t experience being heard or mattering, productivity takes a back seat to foot-dragging, resentment, and eventually staff turnover.
I am surprised by how often leaders turn to incentives or skills- training for staff while simultaneously failing to perceive that their organizational culture itself is demotivating.
Real-life examples: Case studies of applying NVC to improve workplace productivity
The start-up CEO
I worked with a CEO who was uncomfortable with feelings. It’s not that she thought feelings were bad — she just didn’t seem to know what to do when her staff had them.Rather than helping her staff feel heard, her tendency was to jump into problem-solving.
I shared with her a wonderful NVC saying, “don’t just do something, sit there!” — and she learned to help her staff feel heard and understood, first, before problem-solving.
Sometimes simply being heard and understood would lead to the employee coming up with a solution on the spot. Sometimes, no solution was needed — being heard was enough.
But mostly what she found is that her own and her staff’s stress went down, and people felt happier at the office in the safety that they could simply feel heard. We didn’t do a quantitative study, but I would predict that a more empathic workplace culture would lead to more staff retention and less turnover, which in itself saves an organization a lot of money and time!
The point is not about the CEO being the one to offer empathy. It really could be someone else. The emphasis here is on the culture, and harnessing the power of emotional intelligence in favor of the work.
The toxic school
I was once contacted by the superintendent of a school district. They were concerned because the interpersonal environment in one of their schools had become quite toxic.
It had become so toxic, in fact, that during the first zoom call when the principal was going to introduce me to all the teachers, half of them didn’t show up!
Using NVC, I had one-on-one calls with each teacher in which I gave them empathy, built rapport, and understood their individual perspectives. One question I asked each staff member was, “if we could resolve an interpersonal conflict between any two people that would affect the entire school positively to have it solved, who would those people be?” Mostly I got the same names over and over again.
I proceeded to conduct three 1:1 conflict mediations before proceeding to work with the entire group.
We only had two calls with the whole group — and only after the one-on-one calls, and the mediations. At the second call, there was a lot of honesty shared in a way that others could hear, there were tears shed, and apologies issued.
At the end of the second call they all said, to a person, that they had become a cohesive group who could work together again.
You can probably imagine the difference in productivity among a group of people who silo, don’t talk to each other, and don’t even want to be in the same room — compared to a group that feels like a cohesive team!
The entrepreneur and the shame voice
One of my early coaching clients was an entrepreneur, and a coach and consultant, herself.
During one of our sessions, she confided in me that she was suffering from what is called impostor’s syndrome. She had quite a nasty shame voice which said things like “you have nothing to offer” and “who do you think you are thinking that you can help others?”
So, using NVC, we had a little role-play with the shame voice. First, I played the role of the shame voice as if it could listen and express itself using NVC. My client received empathy as if it were from this part of her that was previously shaming her.
Then we switched roles, and I played the role of my client with highly developed NVC consciousness and skills, and my client played the role of the nasty, vicious voice of shame.
I demonstrated other ways of engaging with these parts of us that sometimes guilt us, shame us, or send us into a spiral of depression.
In this one session she completely untied the knots of the voice that had been shaming her. Through finding out that this voice was trying to protect her, she was able to befriend this part of her, and to make an agreement to communicate internally with more gentleness and kindness.
Shame, guilt, and things like impostor’s syndrome, can be debilitating to the point of nullifying efforts to be productive.
With the use of NVC, this client of mine was able to resolve an issue that had sapped her energy, only to have all that energy freed up for productivity and other life priorities.
Identifying Deeper Needs Behind Our Choices
Much of this discussion really does beg the question: how do we become conscious of the deeper needs behind our choices?
The concept of needs in NVC
Let’s define needs!
Marshall Rosenberg was trying to put his finger on a universal life energy, common to all humans, that is at the core of our longings, yearnings, and evolution.
To be clear, what Marshall Rosenberg was trying to put into words is actually quite tricky to verbalize! The word “needs” seems to fall short, and yet I have not found an ideal replacement.
There are other theorists, besides Dr. Rosenberg, who also wrote and spoke about Universal Human Needs. One is Abraham Maslow and the other is Manfred Max-Neef.
In the following definitions we are approaching “needs” from different angles, like the various facets of a diamond:
1) Needs are how Life is showing up in this moment — in you, in me, in any person.
When you shine visible light through a prism it refracts and gives you the colors of the rainbow.
Similarly, needs are like taking Life Energy and “refracting” it into the various needs we know — connection, understanding, meaning, etc. So in a way, needs are like flavors of Life Energy.
When people in NVC circles ask what is alive? — that could include feelings, needs, values, but — it primarily it refers to needs as the way Life is showing up right now.
2) Needs are the conditions necessary for Life to thrive in any human being, independently of geographic location or cultural background.
These transcend but also include survival needs. You can think of them as thrival needs. They include love, creative expression, trust, choice, and many others!
3) Needs are core human motivators. They impel us to speak or act. Any time someone speaks or acts, it is in the service of one or more needs — whether or not we are conscious of it!
4) Needs are paradoxical in the sense that it is always my need that’s coming up — while at the same time needs are 100% impersonal.
To clarify:
If I’m experiencing something, it is my need that’s coming up!
For example, I see someone very ill, suffering. What starts in me might be care, compassion (or it could be disgust) — whatever I’m feeling — coming from my need for health.
But I am perfectly healthy!
Even so, if something is coming up for me, it is my need!
This is how the life energy in me is showing up.
If something is coming up for you, it is your need. This is how the life energy is showing up in you!
At the same time, needs are impersonal. How? Because they exist in a shared field, just like language!
For example, right now you are reading my words. But they are not my words. And yes, I am deciding which word goes next, and deciding the structure of this sentence. So, in a very real sense, these are my words. But at the same time, I did not create the English language. The English language existed before I was born, and will continue to exist after I die.
So, in a very real sense, these are not my words at all!
Needs are very much like this. They exist in a shared field.
If you are feeling something, it is because of your need.
However, for it to qualify as a Universal Human Need, it’s nature is that it is shared by all human beings.
5) Needs are energies that want to flow, not holes to be filled.
Needs consciousness is not about lack, but rather about tapping into Life and the vary many ways that needs can be satisfied.
6) Needs are differentiated from strategies.
When I think a strategy is my need, then I’ve made the abundance of possibilities very scarce because now there is only one way my need can be satisfied
While needs are universal, strategies are not. And yet strategies are vitally important because they are the ways we go about meeting needs.
So there is a myth about needs being in conflict. What is in conflict, actually, are the strategies. More on this key differentiation below.
You can see a list of feelings and universal needs here.
How to identify the deeper needs driving our desire for productivity
There is a simple exercise I use to identify underlying needs.
I call it peeling layers of the onion. (I honestly can’t remember if I learned that name from someone else or came up with it myself.)
The question I use to identify underlying needs has a couple of variations:
– If you had that, then what would you have?
– If you had that, what would that give you?
Here’s an example:
Let’s say I’m writing this article and my friend Meiji is visiting. I say, “Hey, Meiji, I need that window open. Are you willing?”
He might be perfectly willing to open the window. And even though I described it as a need, Meiji knows perfectly well that opening or closing the window is a strategy that could be in the service of needs.
So he feels curious, and he asks me:
“Alan, if you had that window open, then what would that give you?”
I think about it for a moment, and I say, “it would give me fresh air.”
But he is still curious!
“Well, if you had fresh air then what would you have?”
I think about it for a moment, and I say, “it’s a little stuffy in this room, so if I had fresh air I would feel more comfortable.”
He continues.
“And if you had more comfort, then what would you have?”
I trust that Meiji is going somewhere with this, so I play along.
“Meiji, I’m trying to write this article, so if I was more comfortable then I would be able to be more present and therefore more productive.”
“Well,” he continues, “if you were more present and productive, then what would you have?”
“I would feel more confident that I’m being of service.”
“And what would that give you?”
“It would give me certainty that I am living my life-purpose.”
These questions we used for “peeling the layers of the onion” to get to the deeper needs, (“If you had that, then what would you have?” and “If you had that, what would that give you?”)… …brought us from the window to life-purpose in five steps.
Asking these two questions is a simple way to uncover the deeper needs.
Differentiating between needs and strategies
We’ve already covered that needs are universal and strategies are not.
And yet, strategies are crucial because they are the way we go about meeting needs!
Because we all have the same needs, that is not where conflicts occur. Rather, they happen at the level of the strategies.
A useful acronym: PLATO
In the example above, having that window open would be a need if every human being needed that in order to thrive!
So we have an acronym, PLATO, which serves as a useful reminder.
A need — as defined in NVC — never refers to a specific person, location, action, time, or object.
If what somebody is stating does include a specific person, location, action, time, or object, then it is most likely not a Universal Human Need.
Different kinds of strategies
I earlier mentioned Chilean economist Manfred-Max Neef — who not only worked on the question of universal needs, he also divided strategies into different categories.
Below is my paraphrase of his categorization:
Some strategies meet needs directly, like drinking water quenches thirst. Setting a timer or an alarm for a focused work period can contribute to the kind of focus that leads to feeling productive.
Some strategies meet some needs, but at the expense of other needs. For example, smoking tobacco was something I used years ago for down-time and productivity. However, it was at the expense of my needs for health, integrity, and freedom.
Some strategies go directly against the need they’re attempting to meet. For example, if I’m hurting and needing compassionate understanding, and as a result then I lash out to hurt someone else. Another example: overworking goes directly against long-term productivity.
And some strategies are called “super-satisfiers” because they meet so many needs that we experience them as if they were a need. A couple of examples of strategies that many people treat as if they were needs include money and sex.
When we realize that money is a strategy — or set of strategies — rather than a need, that opens up myriad options for meeting needs in other ways rather than using money for them. For example, out of my need for health and productivity I wanted a standing desk. Some of these are very fancy, and can be quite expensive! What did I do? I put a sturdy box on a table and, at just the right height, it works perfectly — zero additional money spent.
Benefits of Using NVC for Productivity
Knowing Nonviolent Communication gives you many benefits in relation to productivity!
Below are some highlights:
Improved communication and collaboration
When people have poor communication skills, don’t know how to collaborate, or the organizational culture works against collaboration — productivity is affected negatively.
When groups have clear communication, team cohesion, and systems and skills for effective collaboration, they are much more efficient and productive!
Enhanced emotional well-being and reduced stress
NVC helps you connect empathically with your own and others’ feelings and needs. As a result, you feel more self-connected, and others experience more empathy and compassionate understanding.
Getting along well with colleagues and co-workers results in a working environment that is less stressful than those in which interactions are not harmonious.
And by knowing how to peel the layers of the onion you can have clarity as to your deeper motivations. This opens up the wide range of possible strategies, making it more likely that your needs could be met, thereby reducing stress.
Increased motivation and satisfaction
When you or someone else is connected to their intrinsic needs, it is much easier to stay motivated.
Extrinsic satisfiers become stale when we are not clear about what needs they are intended to satisfy.
Knowing your intrinsic needs, and knowing how to navigate strategy-creation, means not only that you are able to stay motivated from within, you also experience a deeper satisfaction than what is available by only chasing extrinsic fulfillment.
Marshall Rosenberg on NVC & Productivity
When I met Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, he had been traveling the world for decades, training people in NVC and mediating conflicts everywhere he went.
One thing among many that I found remarkable about his life was that he did not appear to be concerned about being productive, and yet his work had vast reach and profound impact.
I remember clearly one thing he said many times about how not to be productive. He said a clear recipe to not do some thing was to tell himself he should.
He understood that when we do things out of fear, guilt, shame, duty, obligation, fear of punishment to get an extrinsic reward, or out of “should’s”, or “have-to’s” — this automatically generates resistance within us, even if the activity is good for us or something that we might otherwise find enjoyable or fun.
By helping us develop a language of Universal Human Needs — and identifying them as core human motivators — Dr. Rosenberg gave us the key for staying inspired, motivated, and active without forcing anything.
PuddleDancer Press Books on NVC & Work
PuddleDancer Press is the foremost proponent and publisher of books on Nonviolent Communication, work, and productivity.
NVC has shown time and again that human beings are capable of creating humane, joyful, and productive workplaces.
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