Nonviolent Communication and Teamwork: How NVC Builds Collaboration and Buy-In

by Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer

Introduction — The big picture

Imagine any of humanity’s remarkable accomplishments — from the Great Wall to landing on the moon to the creation of the World Wide Web — and then ask yourself which was created solely by one single individual. The answer is none.

Let us consider even an extreme example: the creation of the light bulb. The popular myth is that Thomas Alva Edison toiling alone tried thousands of materials before landing on tungsten. What this version of history leaves out is all the people who helped him source the materials, those who produced the glass and the wires he used, and the immense teamwork required to take an idea from patent to mass production to widespread market adoption.

The point is that any great accomplishment — and most little ones — require a team of people working together effectively.

As anyone who has attempted it knows: working well as a team can be tricky at best, and sometimes it is downright difficult!

We, humans, can be complicated beings! We want to be seen for our contributions and we also get our feelings hurt in numbers of ways! When we hurt emotionally we lash out, or withdraw, and sometimes we want to pick up our toys and go home.

Aligning ourselves toward a common end requires clear communication which can itself be a challenge, especially when the individuals involved are coming from a variety of conscious and unconscious motivations. I want to contribute for its own sake, and I want to generate resources, but I also want to feel good about myself, and at the same time I want to be loved and accepted!

Enter Nonviolent Communication (NVC) — a process developed by author and psychologist, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg — which integrates key elements from thought, language, communication, and the use of power so that we can find mutually satisfying solutions while staying connected to each other at the same time.

What Is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?

NVC is a process that helps you connect with others — in personal and professional contexts — in a way that consistently and reliably makes a win-win much more likely.

NVC is premised on the insight that when we are connected with each other we more easily prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts, and also much more readily create mutually agreeable solutions and outcomes.

While NVC has a concrete framework which supports you in achieving this, and while the use of the tools is anchored in some key principles — NVC itself is rooted in a core intention and consciousness.

I will briefly describe these below.

NVC Consciousness

NVC’s core intention is to understand compassionately and therefore to connect. NVC shows us that from a place of connection we can resolve our differences without giving in to each other, without giving up on our own needs, and without any manipulation, coercion, or other forms of violence.

This is not merely theory! This is my own lived experience at home and at work — with my children, my partner, with work colleagues, and with the many teams I have managed or been a part of, for at least the last two decades.

If my intention is to create a high quality of connection, and if I have the willingness to work toward a mutually beneficial outcome, then I am in NVC Consciousness regardless of what words I use or how skillfully I use the tools of NVC!

I could be using words that sound like NVC — but if my intention is to manipulate a specific outcome, get my way, or in any way force or coerce you to do what I want, then it is not NVC no matter how skillfully I may be employing it as a technique!

The consciousness and the intentionality are primary! If we don’t have the purpose — which is to connect — front and center, then NVC becomes weaponized… an estranged version of itself!

The framework and the “tools” merely give you skillful means for
increasing the likelihood of fulfilling the intention, which is
connection and mutually beneficial outcomes.

The NVC Framework

NVC is rooted in empathy, honesty, and universal human needs.

NVC recognizes three areas where we can put our attention in the service of connection. These are known as self-connection, empathy, and honesty.

Self-connection includes opening my heart through humanizing others, as well as connecting with my own feelings and need through self-empathy.

Empathy is a quality of compassionate listening in which I put my attention on your feelings, needs, and requests regardless of how you are expressing yourself.

Honesty is expressing myself truthfully, sincerely, transparently, and vulnerably — in a way that is more likely to lead to connection than conflict.

NVC teaches you all these things!

(See The NVC Tree of Life, below, created by my late colleague Inbal Kashtan.)

The NVC Model has four components: Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests.

These four components can be applied in how you connect with yourself, how you listen to others, and also how you communicate your point of view.

Three Ingredients for NVC Mastery

In order to become fluent in NVC — that is, using it effectively in everyday life — you require three things:

1) Interior clarity: this includes how you’re feeling and what you’re needing — as well as being aware of whether you are making assumptions, interpretations, and telling yourself a story about what’s happening versus identifying clear observations. Developing a robust vocabulary of feelings and needs, and understanding NVC’s key differentiations supports this interior clarity.

2) A community of support: If we are constantly surrounded, at home and at work, by people who use judgments, criticisms, and put-downs as a way to get what they want, it’s very challenging to develop in NVC. A community of support could look like a practice group, a collection of empathy buddies, or even a cohort in a class or workshop. I, personally, have developed a robust circle of support made up of people who I can call at a moment’s notice for empathy and emotional support whenever I need it.

3) Practice, practice, practice: There is a difference between having a tool and being skillful with a tool. For most of us, our old habits are deeply ingrained. Getting NVC to become secondnature requires an initial effort which eventually pays off in less stress, more harmonious relationships, and overall more effectiveness in life.

Personal Relationships

In intimate partnerships, friendships, or family life, NVC helps you speak honestly in a way that minimizes the chance of alienating others.

By training you to listen for feelings and needs regardless of what words are used, NVC supports deep listening — even when conversations are emotionally charged.

My personal experience, along with what I’ve heard from workshop participants and colleagues over the course of three decades of studying NVC, reveals that practicing NVC in personal life leads to more closeness, fewer recurring arguments, and a greater sense of trust.

Professional and Workplace Settings

When adapted correctly to professional environments, NVC improves communication within teams, across departments, and between leadership and staff.

Whether it’s addressing a conflict, giving feedback, or navigating change, NVC offers tools for doing so with clarity and care.

My own experience working with organizations and executives shows — and as I’ve learned in interviews with colleagues who specialize in this area — organizations that integrate NVC have better collaboration, greater psychological safety, and more creative problem-solving.

Not only does a culture of NVC create a more desirable and enjoyable workplace… it also makes a tangible difference to the bottom line. Because a culture of psychological safety is a more attractive place to work, organizations are able to attract and retain top talent when they integrate NVC, which by itself creates cost savings.

For example, in tech startups, where team dynamics change rapidly, NVC can reduce friction between fast-paced innovation and the need for inclusion and clarity.

In nonprofits, where values-driven work can lead to burnout or interpersonal strain, NVC provides a grounding in mutual understanding that supports the fine balance between the organization’s requirements and staff’s needs for self-care.

Social Change and Activism

Marshall Rosenberg envisioned NVC as having great potential beyond a personal practice, as a tool for grounded, inclusive systemic change.

He facilitated NVC-based reconciliation work in areas of intense conflict — from Rwanda and Palestine to U.S. urban schools and prisons.

NVC is now used by activists, facilitators, and peace-builders around the world to de-escalate violence, foster dialogue, and build more compassionate communities.

I, personally, have used NVC in what we might call social change situations — to great effect!

One principle he often emphasized in his workshops is that the more we connect with the needs behind others’ actions, the less likely we are to judge or dehumanize them.

When we humanize others, we are more likely to be able to connect in a way that leads to buy-in and mutually agreeable solutions.

The purpose of NVC is to help you create the connection out of which we naturally and spontaneously want to contribute to one another’s well-being.

These skills are needed in every area of society, today more than ever!

Whether the context is a boardroom, a kitchen table, or a truthand-reconciliation circle, the underlying human dynamics are the same. People long to be heard. They want to contribute. They want to matter.

NVC gives us a language to meet those needs — together.

Why Teamwork Often Breaks Down — and How NVC Helps

There are patterns to what happens in teams when they don’t work together as well as they could. These include unclear expectations, an inability to work through hurt feelings (and insufficient structural support to do so), lack of trust, and miscommunications of all sorts.

In my work with leadership in organizations, the unacknowledged elephant in the room is often a culture that either unintentionally exacerbates these problems or that actively foments them!

The two primary ways NVC contributes in these situations are:

1. NVC gives people tools and skills for:

• being clearer when they express themselves,
• being more assertive in asking questions,
• giving and receiving feedback,
• making clear, actionable requests, and
• collaborating more effectively!

2. NVC helps leadership establish a culture that supports all of the above, and then some! An NVC-informed organizational culture is one of clarity and mutual care, which includes compassionate accountability, psychological safety, and cohesive teamwork.

NVC when applied to teams would take implicit needs, assumptions, and expectations and make them explicit.

An NVC-informed organization would understand that what underlies most team conflicts is unmet needs — such as consideration, learning, being seen, contribution, clarity, psychological safety, and belonging.

When we can bring the needs to the surface and understand them, we are then in a better position to craft strategies that meet those needs.

In a team that shares NVC as part of their culture, individual members are free to bring more of their whole self to that team. The human bonding that happens as a result means that people are more invested in the work, the team has less turnover, and people are generally happier.

Getting Buy-In: Listening for Needs, Not Just Agreement

Buy-in means that people are in agreement to stand behind a decision, strategy, or proposed path forward.

Two decision-making approaches in teams
There is a simple way to characterize 2 distinctly different approaches:

1) go-fast-to-go-slow (which generally does not result in buy-in),

and,

2) go-slow-to-go-fast (which is significantly more likely to result in lasting buy-in)

Go-fast-to-go-slow means that someone with the power to make a decision moved fast by skipping the challenging conversations and the connection and going straight to a solution, strategy, or decision.

The problem with this approach is that when people aren’t heard and considered they experience decisions as being imposed on them. This approach is easily interpreted as a lack of consideration — and people often resist and resent these decisions. This results in subtle (or overt) sabotage and further conflict. This is why… after going fast (and skipping the connection) teams are forced to move more slowly.

Go-slow-to-go-fast means that someone in leadership moves slowly enough to prioritize the relationships, communicating that people’s needs matter, and helping everyone feel heard about what is important to them in the situation.

Buy-in doesn’t mean everyone gets what they want!

Go-slow-to-go-fast means everyone experiences that their needs
matter!

Taking the time to demonstrate to your team that their needs matter and that their voices can be heard builds trust and loyalty. Going slowly enough to get everyone on board — or even to adjust a proposal in a way that integrates people’s concerns — means that later on there is no friction. Thus, we go slowly at first, and later we can go very fast, with everyone on board.

Connect around needs and values first, so that you can unify on a strategy later.

You connect with your team by bringing to the surface people’s needs and values, which are by definition different than a specific course of action (a strategy). In every area of life, conflicts happen when we argue about strategies rather than connecting around shared needs. I go deeper into the distinction between needs and strategies below.

Example

I once shared the two above approaches in a workshop. One of the students, who was part of a 200-person information technology (IT) department at work, shared the following anecdote.

They described a scenario in which someone very high up in the organization made a decision to change a procedure that affected all 200 IT workers. A single person in leadership made this decision unilaterally, without consulting the people in charge of implementing, or those affected by, this new procedure.

I could have predicted what this student of mine later described: resistance, resentment, foot-dragging, and subtle sabotage.

If the leader who wanted to make this change had taken the time to consider the impact on the people in charge of implementing it — and if they had done it in a way that helped people feel heard and considered — they might have learned a lot.

By taking in peoples concerns or objections, they might have adjusted their proposed change, scrapped it altogether, or found out why everyone thought it was a fantastic idea.

But instead, they moved fast — and later on the whole operation was forced to go more slowly, along with unhappy workers, eroded trust, and damaged team cohesion.

The role of empathic listening

Empathy doesn’t mean agreement — nor does it mean that I let go of my values!

Empathy means I’m willing to give you the experience that you have been heard and understood (even if I disagree!).

Ninety percent of the time that somebody approaches me in some form of emotional pain, the number one thing they’re needing is to be heard with empathy.

When a leader, or someone in a team, listens with empathy, this means that they are listening to understand, rather than listening to respond. And they are listening for specific information: what are this other person’s feelings, needs, and values; what is important to them at a deeper level? What is in their heart?

By listening deeply we communicate two things: (1) we’re trying to understand, and (2) the other person’s needs matter.

This act alone can transform resistance into constructive dialog — and THIS is how we get people on board!

Myths About Hierarchy vs Non-Hierarchy in NVC and Teams

Using NVC in an organization or a team does not mean abandoning structure or leadership.

There are many circles in which “hierarchy” has become a bad word.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg distinguish between two types of hierarchy. He called them life-alienated hierarchies and lifeserving hierarchies. He also referred to them as hierarchies of domination and hierarchies of actualization.

(This latter kind we see in nature, from bee colonies to wolf packs!)

In domination hierarchies the few control the many and the focus is on compliance and enforcement.

Hierarchies of actualization, or life-serving hierarchies, can include, for example, different levels of scope. In some organizations someone has a local scope, and other people may have regional, national, and even international scopes for their work. This does not inherently mean that people are being oppressed.

These different levels of scope can also translate into different levels of access to decision-making. This also does not, by itself, make it a structure of domination.

The deeper question is about how power is being used.

Power-with vs power-over

One of the key differentiations here is power-with vs power-over.

Power-over is what we see in domination hierarchies. In these structures one of the underlying assumptions is that people cannot be trusted. This is why they must be coerced into complying, and why so much energy is invested in enforcement of behaviors.

Power-over is what I see as the old paradigm of leadership: I lead, you follow; I command, you obey… or else.

When we employ power-with, this means that someone with greater structural power uses it to uplift and empower others.

When I treat others with the dignity and respect any human being would want, when I demonstrate to others that their needs matter, and when I use my power to uplift and empower others — to help them shine with their gifts, in their role — everything about teamwork just got better.

Leaderful Teams and Organizations

After I learned the word “leaderful” from Marshall Rosenberg, I increasingly saw and heard it in other contexts.

Rather than having the majority of people “obey” or follow one or more “leaders” — in a leaderful team everyone can be a leader in their own way and highlighting their own strengths.

In a leaderful team and organization everyone is empowered — or even expected — to be proactive in bringing things forward to take care of needs.

By encouraging and empowering others to be leaders in their own way, traditional leaders may mistakenly fear that they will be giving up responsibility or authority.

On the contrary, NVC helps people with structural power lead powerfully by owning their role transparently while also inviting feedback and consent.

Context-Specific Collaboration: One Size Does Not Fit All

Nonviolent Communication does not prescribe uniform solutions!

NVC does inform the process for arriving at durable and mutually beneficial strategies, outcomes, and solutions.

By focusing on awareness of yourself and others — your observations versus your stories, what you are feeling and needing, what you value, and what you would like — you can then take the next step: connecting in a way that allows for the discovery of common ground and which reinforces mutual understanding. (In the best case scenarios it also reinforces mutual care.)

Based on the highest quality of connection that we can arrive at, we explore and co-create solutions that are tailored for our specific context!

In a family-owned and operated restaurant it may not matter if — and may even be expected that — anyone can greet diners, seat them, take their order, and bus tables, with absolute flexibility in the roles. A small startup team may decide that flat, inclusive decision-making is what is best for them in the early stages. And a hospital emergency room may decide that they need clear roles and a very explicit scope of accountability for each role.

The unifying theme in any team using NVC is that they find their own balance between interdependence and autonomy.

In an NVC-informed team, everyone is on board as a result of awareness of needs, the existence of mutual care, and a culture of consent.

Interdependence is handled through connectedness and clear communication channels, while autonomy is covered through selfresponsibility and a leaderful culture.

Needs vs Strategies — a Key Differentiation for Effective Collaboration and for Conflict Prevention and Resolution

One of the key differentiations that distinguishes NVC from other approaches to communication is the distinction between needs and strategies.

Understanding this distinction is at the core of NVC!

Needs are:

• How life is showing up inside, you or me, in this moment.
• The conditions necessary for life to thrive for any human being,regardless of cultural background or geographic location.
• Core human motivators: that which impels us to speak or act.
• Energies that want to flow, not holes to be filled.
• Independent of a specific person, location, action, time, or object (PLATO). If it includes one of these then it is not a universal need.

Here is a list for reference.

Strategies are:

• Important — as they are the ways we go about fulfilling needs.
• Concrete and tangible.
• The level at which conflicts occur. Conflicts do not occur at the level of needs since we all have the same needs. Needs cannot be in conflict — but strategies are often in conflict.
• Something that refers to a specific person, location, action, time, or object (PLATO). If it refers to one of these it is not a need, and very likely a strategy.

How this key differentiation helps:

In NVC we recognize that our preferred strategy is not a need.

Therefore, a key practice is to put specific strategies aside momentarily until we are clear about the needs.

We connect around and clarify the needs of those involved. (You can also bring values to the surface, but the difference is that values are not universal and needs, by definition, are universal.)

Once the needs are clear, then we can brainstorm and co-create strategies that can contribute to as many needs as necessary.

This is how NVC helps teams stay creative and flexible in the process of attempting to meet everyone’s needs.

A common pitfall is getting stuck arguing over strategies without having named or clarified the needs involved.

A simple hypothetical example could be two departments which
clash over budget allocation.

An NVC process might reveal their underlying needs to be efficiency and trust, rather than the specific budget amounts. Once the needs are clear, negotiations around the budget can continue, centered on meeting the needs.

How to Bring NVC to Your Team (Even If You’re Not the
Boss)

Each team is unique and every organization is different, so there is no one-size-fits-all approach to bringing NVC to your team.

Ideally, you want leadership on board… and the reason is quite simple: culture flows from the top.

In some organizations and teams, however, if something is coming from leadership then people are skeptical or resistant, so there is also value in this coming from the grass roots.

Specific Things You Can Do and Some Ideas for Introducing NVC to Your Team

Practice self-empathy. A very important part of NVC practice is staying connected with yourself, and understanding what your feelings, needs, desires, and requests are. By staying connected to yourself at the level of feelings and needs you are keeping yourself more regulated and well as strengthening your NVC awareness.

Listen with empathy. Keep in mind that this primarily involves being present, and most of the time empathy is in silence. The trick is where you’re putting your attention. When someone is talking to me, I can be up in my head analyzing, or I can try to put my attention on what the feelings, needs, and requests are that the other person is expressing through what they are saying. Reflecting back your understanding is something you can do if you think it will be comforting or reassuring to the other person, or if you are not sure what they said and are trying to confirm or clarify.

Make observations. Be clear about what you’re actually observing, while owning your assumptions, interpretations, and stories as such. Doing this contributes to others’ clear thinking as well.

Name feelings and needs. NVC teaches you to put your attention on what is going on, for yourself and other people, at a slightly deeper level than people expect. By being able to name your own feelings and needs, you bring more of your humanity to the conversation — which invites others to do the same.

Make requests. “The number one reason peoples’ needs are not met is unclear requests,” Dr. Marshall Rosenberg used to say. An NVC request needs to be specific, doable, clarify what you do want (rather than only what you don’t want), and give the other person or people the opportunity to to respond to you in THIS moment. These criteria make your request actionable. This is a critical leadership and teamwork skill for everything from effective meetings to avoiding miscommunications. By modeling clear requests you are also inviting others to do the same.

Consider giving one or more decision-makers a book on NVC — while also making your intentions clear. For example, “I think our team could really benefit from these tools. Would you be willing to check this out? I plan to follow up with you and will set up a time to discuss it.” You can find some useful NVC books here.

Let people know about the benefits you are receiving in your personal and professional life from practicing NVC. Talk it up. Find your allies or people who are aligned, and go from there. Together you might be able to brainstorm more ways to introduce NVC in your team or organization.

Model the change. Don’t wait for top-down permission. At the end of the day, you don’t need others’ permission to be yourself — and that includes being honest and compassionate. While ideally you want the leadership on board, remember that small consistent acts of NVC can contribute to shifting the culture. Also remember that NVC makes you a better leader — so these tools will contribute to your path of being able to have increasing, and increasingly positive, influence.

If you are currently in a position of leadership, introduce micro-practices. For example, I worked with a team of managers who began doing time-limited check-ins at the beginning of meetings. These check-ins fulfilled multiple purposes, includingfeeling more connected  with one another as well as for emotional context (because if someone is having a hard day that can be useful to know). Another small practice I’ve seen leaders implement is, for example, in a management meeting, doing one round of expressing one appreciation or gratitude. Use your leadership position to expand ways of bringing NVC consciousness and skills to your organization.

Final Thoughts: Teamwork That Works for Everyone

Remember that the purpose of NVC is to feel connected enough that collaboration happens easily. Ideally, you want your team to know each other well enough that they can assume beneficial intentions, and hold each other with positive regard.

In this way, NVC contributes to teams that are more resilient, creative, and humane.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on Teams and How to Best Motivate Each Other

Marshall Rosenberg very clearly saw the limits of motivating each other in coercive, manipulative, or violent ways.

He saw how we all lose when we do things, or ask others to do things, motivated by fear, guilt, shame, duty, obligation, to get a reward, to avoid punishment, or out of should’s and have-to’s.

Instead, he gave us a language of Universal Human Needs understood clearly to be core human motivators.

“When someone understands how something contributes to their needs, I don’t see why they wouldn’t do it,” he would say.

The task, therefore, becomes how to enroll rather to enforce.

NVC can help you articulate a vision in a way that others see how it also benefits them — or at least feel included in the process.

As a result, the harvest is seamless and effective teamwork.

Puddledancer Press Books on NVC in the Workplace

PuddleDancer Press is the foremost proponent and publisher of books on Nonviolent Communication and Workplace Communication.

NVC has shown time and again that human beings are capable of harmonious teamwork and of arriving at mutually crafted solutions.

Because of the trust-building process involved, and the fact that the solutions include everyone’s buy-in, using NVC for teamwork predictably gives us outcomes that meet a greater number of needs and are more durable.

Our books on teamwork and workplace communication can help you:

• Create exceptional personal and professional relationships,
• Offer compassionate understanding to others,
• Know when and how to ask for that same understanding for
• yourself,
• Prevent and resolve misunderstandings and conflicts,
• Speak your truth in a clear, powerful way more likely to lead to harmony than conflict,
• Create mutual understanding without coercion.

Whether you are a long-time student — or are brand new to NVC — PuddleDancer Press has the educational resources, including the books on NVC in the workplace, to help you grow your emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, and communication prowess.

Check out our catalog of books on teamwork… and give yourself the gift of Compassionate Communication!