Understanding and Transforming Toxic Masculinity with Nonviolent Communication
By Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer
Author’s note and trigger warning: this article contains descriptions of harmful behavior. My intention in this article is to clarify what “toxic masculinity” is and how NVC can address it.
Introduction
How does NVC approach the phenomenon people call “toxic masculinity”?
Brief introduction to Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and its importance
NVC is a set of principles, frameworks, and skills that help people settle their differences without coercion, manipulation, or violence.
NVC makes leaders, from CEO’s to parents, more effective by helping them navigate the thorniest topics in ways that result in mutually satisfying results.
NVC helps couples and families — as well as groups and organizations — create the kind of closeness and mutual understanding that consistently leads, not only to preventing and resolving misunderstandings and conflicts, but also to enjoying our time together more.
One aspect of NVC I particularly like is that it does not require both parties to be trained in it in order to be effective!
Overview of toxic masculinity and its impact on individuals and society
As I try to clarify below, what people refer to as “toxic masculinity” is not a straightforward phenomenon! The term has a judgment built in and that itself is problematic from the standpoint of pathologizing behavior that could stem from trauma, culture, or both. And yet, despite the many shortcomings of the term itself, it does point to something real and troubling.
Toxic masculinity is both a cause and a symptom. I make the case below that everyone suffers because of it, including males! This is in part because it creates unrealistic and unhealthy standards, and leads to a culture of disconnection, exclusion, and alienation.
What is Nonviolent Communication (NVC)?
Explanation of NVC and its core principles
NVC is based on the premise that all human beings have the same universal human needs which are at the core of our longings and which motivate us to speak or act.
NVC has two dimensions — (1) the intentionality and consciousness and (2) the framework or tools. You can also think of these as essence and form.
The intention in NVC is to arrive at a high quality of connection out of which we naturally enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being. The framework and tools help you be more effective at manifesting that intention.
If your intention is to get your way or manipulate a specific outcome — then you could use words that sound like NVC, but it wouldn’t be NVC at all!
Therefore, the consciousness is primary.
To be clear, NVC is not about getting other people to do what you want! The purpose is connection. Once we are connected, we more easily find mutually agreeable solutions!
So what about the other dimension, the framework and concrete tools?
NVC can be thought of as containing three “toolboxes”: one for listening with empathy, one for expressing your truth in a way that can be more easily received by others, and self-connection. The tools around this last one, self-connection, help you understand yourself more deeply, regulate your nervous system, and get back to your center so that you can be responsive rather than reactive.
Each of these three “toolboxes” includes the four components of the NVC framework: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
Focusing on listening for, and also expressing, observations, feelings, needs, and requests, leads to more clarity and connection than if we allow old habitual ways of relating — judgments, criticism, name-calling, diagnoses, avoidance of responsibility, demands, and coercion — to fill the space between us.
The idea is that we connect first, and then we explore solutions that can cover what is important to both of us.
This works with individuals as well as with groups.
And since there is a big difference between having a tool and being skillful with a tool, developing your skills — or in some cases having a skilled facilitator — can help a lot!
Introduction to Marshall Rosenberg and his contributions
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg developed NVC in part as a response to his own suffering as well as to the violence and aggression that he saw in the world.
He suspected that there was a better way for humans to work together and resolve our differences. He set out to find the essential elements in thought, language, communication, and the use of power that could contribute to the quality of connection that leads to mutually satisfying outcomes.
He worked tirelessly over the course of decades to bring NVC to people around the globe.
After his death, his friends and students organized an online call as a memorial — to remember him and tell stories about the impact he had had. That call lasted nine days, requiring organizers to set up rotating hosts in different time zones to accommodate the influx of callers! Such was the impact Dr. Rosenberg had — and a testament to the effectiveness of NVC.
A little bit about me (Alan Rafael Seid), my work in NVC, and my relationship with masculinity
I took my first workshop with Dr. Rosenberg in 1995, at the age of 24. Four years later, I attended an International Intensive Training (IIT), after which I traveled to South America to work as Dr. Rosenberg’s Spanish interpreter for 10 days. I learned more in that 10 days than I had during the previous four years of studying NVC! I completed the process to become a Certified Trainer at the end of 2003.
During my time as an NVC trainer I have worked with individuals, couples, and families, as well as in the nonprofit, government, academic, and private sectors. Currently I coach leaders struggling with organizational culture or who need to prepare for upcoming crucial conversations.
My personal struggles regarding masculinity began at an early age, mostly because of mixed messages. At home it was ok for a man to be kind and gentle, but the cultural context said a man had to be tough and not feel his feelings. The cultural context said to exercise fantasies of sexual conquest, but at home this was regarded as brutish and un-evolved at best.
Part of the confusion I experienced stems from the societal and historical context.
Gender roles were very clear in the 1940s and 1950s — men and women acted in specific, societally prescribed ways.
In the late 1960s Western culture took the rule-book on gender roles and relationships and metaphorically threw it out the window.
We still do not have a universally accepted “manual” on relationships and gender roles. The whole field has been changing and evolving — and this added to the confusion I experienced in my upbringing.
Despite my personal journey early on being so full of mixed messages — and the confusion that resulted — it was followed by lengthy periods of intense personal growth and significant healing of personal and cultural stories about relationships, sexuality, and what it means to be a masculine male.
Understanding Toxic Masculinity
Let’s look more deeply at toxic masculinity!
Clarifying some terms
Let’s first clarify some terms which will be useful as we unpack the topics.
Masculine does not equal male. Feminine does not equal female.
Males, females — and people who identify as something else — we all have both masculine and feminine energies (which author David Deida refers to as “sexual essence”).
We can generalize by saying that most males have more masculine essence and most females have more feminine essence.
But there are many exceptions and variations! Some males have a more naturally feminine essence, and some females have a more naturally masculine essence. And some people are more evenly balanced!
Neither is better or worse — the point is that when we discuss masculinity we’re not talking only about males.
Feminine essence and masculine essence — both have healthy, life-serving expressions as well as unhealthy, shadow-side manifestations. This may be the only reference in this article to unhealthy feminine, since our topic today is toxic masculinity.
Definition and explanation of toxic masculinity
Most of us know or intuit what is meant by masculinity. But what does it mean when it becomes toxic?
When traits commonly associated with healthy masculinity are taken to an extreme, they become toxic.
One example would be when autonomy (freedom, choice, agency) becomes hyper-autonomy (isolation, disconnection, “I don’t need anybody”). The American myth of the rugged individualist comes to mind.
Common behaviors and attitudes associated with toxic masculinity
Here is a list of common behaviors and attitudes associated with toxic masculinity.
- Aggression as a way of being,
- The normalization of sexual assault,
- Violence as a way to solve problems,
- Nonconsensual dominance over others,
- Competitiveness in all things,
- Having to be right at any cost,
- Anti-feminism and misogyny,
- The refusal to do “feminine” tasks, such as household chores,
- Homophobia and championing heterosexuality as the only norm,
- Hyper-autonomy (mentioned above),
- An inability to admit weakness or be vulnerable,
- Low empathy,
- The belief that displaying emotion is a sign of weakness,
- Maintaining an appearance of hardness,
- Belittling expressions of emotion,
- Emotional repression,
- Isolation (both actively isolating, as well as experiencing isolation as a result of the above ways of being).
The above list is illustrative while not attempting to be comprehensive or exhaustive.
The societal and cultural roots of toxic masculinity
There are many and quite complex roots — a variety of causes and circumstances — that give rise to the phenomenon we describe as toxic masculinity. This alone could be an entire book!
Some of the roots are cultural — both in terms of family-of-origin culture as well as regarding the larger cultural context.
For example, I grew up in Mexico at a time in which most of the culture appeared to celebrate machismo. In many of my friends’ homes the girls had to stay in and do chores while the boys were given all the freedoms and privileges. Womanizing on the part of the males was often either celebrated or made light of. It was taken for granted, even by the females, that this is just how boys acted — but the girls had to stay away from other boys, and definitely not even think about sex until marriage.
Toxic masculinity also shows up as a reaction to the natural evolution of human consciousness and culture. (This reactivity is not unusual in the sense that we see similar patterns throughout history whenever a new paradigm emerges.)
What does this mean, to say that toxic masculinity arises as a reaction to the natural evolution of human consciousness and culture?
Toxic masculinity as a reaction to stages of evolution
Author David Deida posits 3 stages in the evolution of men and women. (He adds that naming these 3 stages is only for convenience, since reality is more complex and difficult to pin down.)
I offer Deida’s stages to clarify the above point that toxic masculinity sometimes arises as a reaction to the natural evolution of human consciousness and culture.
First I’ll describe the stages and then spell out the point.
Stage 1 is based on rigid gender roles and affect, along with a general attitude of conformity to these ways of being. Think 1950s relationship and gender roles.
In Stage 2 — think 1980s — there’s an emphasis on becoming “more balanced.” So masculine men were encouraged to find their inner feminine energy, and feminine women were encouraged to connect with their “inner masculine.” Of most value in Stage 2 is cultivating a “balance” between feminine and masculine energies.
(The tongue-in-cheek description David Deida gives of a Stage 2 man is the stereotypical “new age wimp” — which I acknowledge is a judgment and in that sense not consistent with NVC — but which I share to give you a flavor of what he is describing.)
The issue with Deida’s Stage 2 is when “balance” in any one person between their feminine and masculine energies becomes the goal rather than an important contribution and step on the path.
Stage 2 is an important contribution by helping people break out of the rigidity of Stage 1 in order to connect with other aspects of themselves and therefore become more whole. Stage 2 also feels stifling and repressive, or comes across as inauthentic, to people with naturally very strong masculine or feminine energy. Being more “balanced” is experienced as a forcing of something that goes against a person’s natural essence. And this brings us to Stage 3.
In Stage 3, healthy feminine and healthy masculine are both integrated, and you get to be yourself — whatever your natural essence actually is.
In Stage 3 a person can acknowledge and even celebrate their natural essence, whether more masculine, more feminine, or evenly balanced. And you have access to the other energetic side when you need it. A Stage 3 man with mostly masculine essence can connect with his more “feminine” side when needed, for example, by showing tenderness and affection to his partner or his child, or allowing himself to cry when something moves him. A Stage 3 woman with mostly feminine essence, because she can also connect with her inner masculine, can take charge and be decisive in a more masculine way when needed.
Here is why I bring up Deida’s stages:
I suspect that much of the toxic masculinity in the United States is a reaction to Stage 2, in which it is interpreted that “natural” or traditional masculinity is lost, sacrificed at the altar of being more “balanced.”
Of course, this reaction misses the arc of evolution since at Stage 3 there is a true integration. There are many authors and teachers besides David Deida who look at sex and gender from an evolutionary perspective. Among them, the work of Alison Armstrong stands out as well.
Again, out of a fear of losing masculine essence, some men grasp for a return to Stage 1 (1950s rigidity) rather than seeing that there is a truly integrated 3rd stage in which you get to keep your natural essence but can also connect with your inner feminine when needed.
My father considered himself a “liberated male” and used to tell stories of bucking convention in New York City in 1971 by doing something hardly ever seen then: pushing a baby stroller in public.
He described occasionally being yelled at or insulted — verbally accosted in public! — for being an “emasculated male” and doing such a feminine thing as pushing a stroller down the sidewalk with me, his son in it.
This appears as a clear example of Level 1 maleness reacting to people having updated beliefs and acting in new ways.
Toxic Masculinity as an Interpretation, Not an Observation
What does it mean to say that toxic masculinity is not an observation?
Differentiating between observations and interpretations in NVC
One of the components of the NVC Model is observations as differentiated from judgments, evaluations, interpretations, and stories about what happened.
In NVC an observation is comprised simply of the neutral facts, as objectively reported as possible.
Sometimes in NVC we talk about an observation as something an audio recorder or video camera could pick up. For example, a video camera does not pick up “appropriate” or “inappropriate.”
There are specific, observable behaviors which we might call appropriate or inappropriate, depending on the context.
Many things we regard as objectively true are actually cultural. For example, “rude” is not an observation. In some cultures, pointing the soles of your feet at someone is considered terribly rude, and in other cultures not at all.
So what we are calling “toxic masculinity” is not an observation per se.
We observe specific behaviors which we call “toxic masculinity.”
Examples of toxic masculinity as an interpretation
A man raising his voice.
Is this toxic masculinity?
He might be raising his voice at someone with lesser power and using degrading language, asserting his dominance. It’s likely that, yes, I would interpret this as toxic masculinity.
Another man raising his voice.
A different man, in a different context, also raises his voice. But he is in a burning building, sounding the alarm for everyone to get out. The intention is to protect people, to save them from harm. In this example, I would not call this toxic masculinity.
In both cases there is a man raising his voice.
Toxic masculinity is real! To say that it is not an objective observation is not to say it doesn’t exist!
For example, climate change is an interpretation of hundreds of thousands of observations!
Systemic racism is another example of something that is hard to pin down as a strict observation — and yet it is made up of innumerable data points which we make sense of in a particular way. When you connect the dots it’s easier to see.
Toxic masculinity is very similar.
The term itself contains a judgment, and is not specific enough to constitute constructive feedback when trying to hold the mirror up to someone whose behavior we find harmful.
How recognizing this distinction can lead to more constructive conversations
Failing to recognize the distinction between observation and evaluation can be harmful in at least two different types of situations: (1) if you yourself exhibit patterns of behavior that could be described as toxic masculinity, and you are trying to change these behaviors, and (2) if you know someone who exhibits such behaviors and you would like this person to become more aware and change the way they act.
In the first circumstance — a person who behaves in ways that can be described as toxic masculinity — failing to understand the distinction between observation and evaluation could actually impede this person’s growth and evolution. How? Because only connecting to judgments about wrongness easily leads to shame, and when someone is having a shame response their learning is blocked!
Instead, NVC would suggest parsing out an evaluative label like toxic masculinity from the specific observable behaviors described in neutral, factual terms. Then, afterwards, the person who is trying to change can connect to the impact — in this case their own and others’ needs that the behavior goes against, and all the resulting feelings.
Someone is much more likely to learn and be able to change in a constructive way when they approach their own unhealthy behaviors through a consciousness of feelings and needs rather than wrongness and judgment.
Similarly, in the circumstance of trying to help someone else become more aware and shift to healthier behaviors, how we approach them and the language we use can make a big difference regarding their ability to hear and receive the feedback.
A term like toxic masculinity carries a load or has an edge to it. Unless the person you are speaking with knows exactly what you are referring to and agrees, hearing the term could be triggering meaning that (1) your feedback is less likely to be useful or lead to concrete changes, and (2) with the other person now defensive or in a shame response, the conversation just became that much more difficult.
Instead, NVC would suggest clearly describing the behaviors we find problematic — in as neutral and objective a way as possible — which increases the likelihood that the person will know exactly what we’re talking about and decreases the probability that they will get defensive.
Static labels create disconnection and reduce possibilities
The Impact of Toxic Masculinity
What is the impact of this thing we’re calling toxic masculinity?
The emotional and psychological effects on individuals, the impact on relationships and communication, and broader societal consequences
In some families and cultures — and in some media landscapes — males are acculturated to think, speak, and act in ways that fit the descriptors of toxic masculinity.
This partially explains the prevalence of men who exemplify the stereotype: emotionally repressed, disconnected from their feelings, always maintaining a tough exterior, and incapable of true intimacy because opening vulnerably is unavailable.
When a man with children has adopted these beliefs and behaviors, girls and boys grow up with fathers with whom they can’t connect emotionally — and they receive an imprint of what it means to be a masculine male.
Partners experience the anguish of being unable to connect with their lover or spouse.
And on a macro level, countries are invaded, wars started, missiles launched, tanks deployed, and civilians killed — because a certain number males in positions of power are playing out the toxically masculine traits of resolving problems with violence and exerting dominance and control at any cost.
The Breakthrough Power of NVC in Addressing Toxic Masculinity
What are the ways NVC addresses this topic?
How NVC fosters empathy and understanding
Nonviolent Communication teaches us that our feelings are like indicators on the dashboard of a car — they alert us that something is happening!
That “something” is Life! In NVC we see the life in us as the universal needs that move through us, that motivate us, and inspire us into action.
As people learn about themselves and begin to develop the interior clarity that NVC helps us discover, joy begins to creep in with the ‘a-ha’ of self-knowledge.
Understanding and connecting with your own feelings and needs facilitates you connecting with the feelings and needs of others. After all, it is the same territory.
This is the start of empathic understanding!
As a person’s consciousness becomes more heart-centered, they are more able to see the impact of their behaviors, and they become more motivated to change.
The role of NVC in transforming destructive patterns of communication
In a typical NVC workshop people learn to listen with non- judgmental presence: empathy.
When a participant experiences being heard and received with empathy for the first time, it is transformative!
And once someone tastes being received empathically, they never want to go back to the old way of doing things.
This is a way to listen that makes it safe for others to open up!
And when it comes time for self-expression, the NVC framework gives even the most emotionally disconnected male a process and pathway for expressing clearly his observations, feelings, needs, and requests in way that leaves out judgments, blame, criticism, verbal attacks, or demands.
If you are a masculine male who has worked on his self- awareness and personal growth, expressing yourself in this way feels cleaner and full of integrity.
It’s liberating to learn a way to speak powerfully without being hurtful. It’s a relief to have a process to both express your truth authentically and be able to preserve your relationships.
Toxic masculinity is committed to being right.
In many cases people wake up to the cost of always trying to be right. At some point someone realizes, “I can have good relationships, or I can insist on being right — but I can’t have both at the same time!”
It takes a lot of courage for someone who was raised to exhibit toxic masculinity to take action on healing and changing their beliefs and behaviors. This kind of transformation doesn’t happen overnight, but it is certainly possible. Patience and loving support will contribute to the transformation.
In some cases, change will only happen when the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing.
Practical NVC Strategies to Overcome Toxic Masculinity
Shame, guilt, and blame will only lead to toxic masculinity becoming more entrenched.
Whether you know someone or you yourself exhibit these kinds of attitudes and behaviors — one place to start is with empathy toward the “toxic masculine.”
(Let’s remember that empathy does not mean agreement.)
The behaviors coming from the toxic masculine also have needs at their root. We can love the needs without agreeing with the strategies and tactics employed. In some cases the needs could be safety, belonging, and even self-acceptance!
Offering compassionate understanding is often a direct route to getting someone to soften and be open to a new way.
Identifying and expressing feelings and needs
Rather than succumbing to the urge to bully someone, to post a misogynistic meme, or to try to “teach someone a lesson” through violence — by identifying and expressing feelings and needs a person can get in touch with the pain underlying such behaviors.
NVC teaches us how to mourn in a healthy way, so that we can be free of the burden of unprocessed grief.
By getting in touch with underlying feelings and needs, someone who could be labeled as toxically masculine discovers that those very behaviors go against their very own needs!
Learning NVC naturally brings people to the realization that we’re all interconnected and interrelated, that we do affect each other, and that acting against someone else’s needs is at the same time going against my own.
As we learn to identify feelings, needs, and also requests, we go deeper into the dance between autonomy and interdependence.
The hyper-autonomy of toxic masculinity learns to relax and feel safe in the dance of connection.
This experience can be both scary and exhilarating — giving this person a taste of a deeper type freedom and belonging they’ve been craving all along.
Transforming demands into requests
One of the core components of the NVC framework is requests. Requests are a way of taking responsibility for what you would like by asking for it.
Requests are differentiated from demands. In the latter, the other person’s needs don’t matter as much as the action that we want them to take.
A demand it’s like a request, except that it carries an overt or covert threat that if you do not comply with the demand you will be punished or made to suffer in some way.
In an NVC request you are able to receive a no with as much love as a yes.
In a demand, by definition, it doesn’t matter if we’re motivating the other person with fear, shame, guilt, out of duty and obligation, to get an extrinsic reward, to avoid punishment, or out of should’s or have-to’s.
The problem with this is that whenever someone does something for you out of these motivations, it will generate resentment and hurt the relationship. The longer someone associates you with those energies, the less likely it is that your needs will matter to them in the long run.
So here is one of the greatest insights I learned from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg:
The energy with which we do things for each other is just as important as the action itself!
A conversation with my son about feelings and masculinity
I once asked my son the following question:
Who is stronger, a man who refuses to cry out of fear that others will judge him, or a man who lets himself feel his feelings and cry, despite what others may or may not think of him?
He understood right away that the old adage that men don’t cry is a lie.
Marshall Rosenberg on selfishness
Marshall Rosenberg had a way of saying things that made people think.
For example, in a workshop one time he declared that NVC practitioners are selfish by their very nature.
This resulted in many confused looks, and several hands shooting up in the air.
He explained that once we realize in a deep way that we are all interconnected and interdependent, then the moment another person’s needs are not met, neither are mine.
So by caring for everyone’s needs I am also looking out for my own.
The following year he told a group in a workshop that he thought that “selfish” and “selfless” constituted a false dichotomy.
We are taught, he contended, that there are only these two extremes. We are either totally saintly, and only care about others’ but not our own needs — or, on the other end of the spectrum, we are only selfish and only care about ourselves.
He said this was a false dichotomy because of our interconnectedness, interrelatedness, and interdependence.
He followed this by saying that he had come up with a new word: “self-full” — which he described as knowing that when I care for your needs I am simultaneously caring for my own, and vice versa.
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