NVC and Worry
Note from the author and the publisher:
This article is for educational purposes only, and does not intend to diagnose any condition(s) nor prescribe treatment. This article does not intend to replace professional mental health support. Please seek professional support if you need it. The assertions in this article reflect the experience and opinion of the author and not necessarily that of PuddleDancer Press.
Understanding and Managing Worry with Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
By Alan Rafael Seid, CNVC Certified Trainer
Introduction: Brief overview of NVC and its purpose
Nonviolent Communication is a way of relating for creating deep connections, as well as for preventing and resolving conflicts in ways that are mutually satisfying.
NVC has its roots in clinical psychology, having been developed by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD, who studied under famous psychologist, Carl Rogers.
Despite this background, Marshall Rosenberg called himself “a recovering psychotherapist” because he had been taught to create a professional distance between himself and his patients — labeling, diagnosing, and pathologizing them.
Part of his interest related to honesty and empathy, and how authentic human connection can be profoundly healing.
He also recognized that when we are connected, conflicts are resolved much more quickly and easily.
Dr. Rosenberg departed from clinical psychology in order to find the essential elements in thought, language, communication, and the use of power that lead us toward the kind of connection that contributes to all of us having our needs met.
The purpose of NVC is to create the high quality of connection out of which we spontaneously enjoy contributing to one another’s well-being.
NVC has a set of intentions — connection, mutually beneficial outcomes — as well as a concrete framework. You can think of the framework as tools with which you can become more skilled. The consciousness and the skills of NVC go together, and mutually reinforce each other.
Defining needs
One of the hallmarks of NVC is working with what is alive in you, me, or anyone we encounter. In order to talk about this aliveness we’re using a language of “needs” — specifically Universal Human Needs.
As it relates to NVC, it’s valuable to understand that the word “need” is a tricky word.
Sometimes I wish we had a better word for what Marshall Rosenberg was trying to point to! (I have not come up with one.)
In many contexts, need connotes a sense of lack — that something is missing. This is not what we’re talking about in NVC!
Furthermore, the English language has an expression in the form of a judgment: “You’re so needy!” That is also not what we’re talking about when we refer to needs!
Needs, in NVC, are specifically Universal Human Needs. The word universal pointing to something that is common to all humans.
And needs can be defined in several ways!
These multiple definitions, below, are useful in the sense that they give you different angles or perspectives from which to consider what we mean by needs in NVC.
Understanding what we mean by needs will be very helpful as we explore the topic of worry.
Needs are:
- the conditions necessary for life to thrive in any human being, regardless of culture or geographic location. They include survival needs but can be more accurately thought of as thrival needs — for example, love, belonging, autonomy, understanding, creativity, meaning, and so on.
- core human motivators — that which impels us to speak or act in any moment. Any time a person speaks or acts it is in the service of one or more needs, whether they are aware of it or not!
- how Life is showing up in this very moment, in me, in you, and in any person — as thrival needs and as core motivators. When we talk about “Life-connected” we’re talking about connected to needs.
- universal, in the sense that all humans share them.
- energies that want to flow, not holes to be filled.
Needs never refer to a specific person, location, action, time, or object (giving us the acronym PLATO). If they did, they would be strategies. Strategies are important in the sense that they are the specific means we use to attend to needs — but strategies are not universal, and we get in trouble when we confuse needs and strategies.
Conflicts happen at the level of strategies. Needs are not in conflict because we all share the same needs. Where friction occurs is at the level of how we meet the needs.
These needs are constants in human life. While strategies to meet these needs may vary widely across different cultures and individuals, the needs themselves remain the same.
Here is a handout with a list of needs.
How NVC can help you navigate worry with compassion and clarity
Worry can be debilitating!
Sometimes when I worry it’s a brief and fleeting experience.
But other times, my mind goes in circles, covering the same ground over and over — seemingly without resolution!
NVC has helped me understand how to neutralize the debilitating kind of worry by diving deeper to understand what is happening in my psyche at levels I was hardly aware of before.
It is at these deeper levels that I experience relief when something inside me releases and I can move forward, dispelling the energetic drain.
Sometimes it’s not that the worry entirely goes away (though sometimes it does). Rather, I can manage it in a healthy way, keep it in perspective, and not let it take over my entire experience!
What is Worry? Understanding the Emotion Beneath
An important part of NVC practice is developing a more robust vocabulary for feelings and needs.
When I don’t have the words, I can often tell that something uncomfortable is happening, but it’s harder to put my finger on it.
A clearer vocabulary helps me take the feeling or emotion from the unconscious or semi-conscious into the conscious mind.
Once I am more clearly conscious of what is happening — when I identify it clearly — then I can address it more effectively.
Emotional clarity, self-compassion, and knowing how to handle your emotions effectively — these three areas work in a sort of “virtuous cycle” — each supports the other two in a positive way.
So let’s differentiate worry from fear and anxiety toward the end of more emotional clarity, self-compassion, and effective handling of feelings.
Differentiating worry from fear and anxiety
Here’s a deeper look at these distinctions, as I experience them:
1. Worry
Worry is often future-oriented and involves repetitive, often unproductive thoughts about potential outcomes or challenges.
Fear, on the other hand, typically involves some clear, immediate trigger, while worry tends to be more vague and persistent.
When I experience worry, it’s usually coming from thoughts about what might happen connected to needs for safety, security, or predictability.
I tend to worry when I tell myself I’m unprepared for something.
In a more positive light, worry could sometimes serve as a protective mechanism, alerting you to areas where you might need additional support or resources.
2. Fear
I usually experience fear as an intense, immediate emotional response to a specific threat (real or imagined).
I feel fear in my body, especially when it’s happening alongside a “fight or flight” response — as if I’m preparing to confront or escape danger.
While worry, for me, is often perpetuated through my thinking (and often abstract), fear feels more visceral and clear-cut.
From an NVC standpoint, fear can signal needs related to protection, physical safety, or survival — and often calls for actions to address those immediate needs.
3. Anxiety
Anxiety is more complex as it can encompass both the mental, thought-generated aspect of worry along with the physical sensations of fear, like tension, restlessness, or a racing heartbeat.
This is where worry can become problematic! When worry becomes chronic it could easily lead to anxiety, although the latter could also result from a persistent sense of unease about potential threats.
Anxiety might point to needs for support, stability, or peace.
Unlike worry, which tends to be focused on specific concerns, anxiety can be broader and harder to pin down because it’s both mental and somatic.
Chronic anxiety can be well-served through body-based, somatic therapies that work at the level of the nervous system — helping it become and stay regulated in a calm yet alert state. This would be considered a “bottom-up” approach, because it starts at the pre-verbal level of the nervous system itself.
NVC would be considered “top-down” in the sense that it uses thought and language to address both the emotional and meaning-making parts of the mind, and calming the nervous system from that direction.
These two approaches — top-down and bottom-up — are complementary, and I’ve seen great results when they are used in conjunction.
Certainly there are other disregulated nervous system states that do not neatly fall into the definitions of worry, fear, or anxiety.
Unfortunately, a deeper treatment of these is beyond the limited scope of this article. (If you are motivated to research this more deeply, I have found great explanatory value in Vagal Nerve Theory and in Attachment Theory — both of which are consistent with NVC.)
Applying NVC to Understand and Respond to Each Emotion
Understanding these distinctions can help you identify what is alive for you at a deeper level.
By approaching worry with self-compassion and self-empathy, you can connect with the unmet needs beneath the surface.
Effective action flows from clarity about the needs.
For example, fear can often be a signal to act or address an immediate need, while anxiety may indicate a need for broader self-care or support.
How worry signals unmet needs
Any so-called uncomfortable or “negative” feeling is a signal that there are one or more unmet needs.
A very important part of NVC development is expanding your feelings and needs vocabulary.
As mentioned earlier, when you have the words for your deeper experience, you are bringing an un- or sub-conscious feeling and need up to the conscious mind.
When you are able to identify the deeper needs, you are then able to work with the experience of worry more intentionally, consciously, and constructively than before.
Self-Empathy: Listening to the Needs Underlying Worry
NVC has three areas where you can put your attention in the service of connection:
1) Honesty, also known as authentic self-expression, happens when I share from the heart — vulnerably, in a real way — what I’m feeling and what is important to me at the level of needs.
2) Empathy, also known as empathic listening, is when I try to put my attention on the other person’s feelings and needs, regardless of how they are communicating.
3) Self-connection, which includes self-empathy, is when I can go inside and connect with what is alive for me, at the level of my feelings and my needs. If I have judgments, interpretations, or stories, self-empathy helps me identify the feelings and needs underlying them so that I can be self-connected at that level.
What is Self-Empathy in NVC?
In the same way that you can be compassionate with empathy toward another, you can also be there for yourself with self- empathy.
Feelings are indicators — like the lights on the dashboard of a car — that let you know that something is happening inside.
When you have a mental narrative, positive or negative — for example, the world is dangerous, or, that person likes me, or I’ll never be good enough — that narrative comes with feelings.
Self-empathy is the ability to go underneath the story, the trigger, the judgments — and connect with your own feelings and needs, in a caring, compassionate way.
As stated earlier: if you don’t have the words for it, you won’t be able to identify it clearly!
On the one hand, you can just have NVC consciousness: the intention to create connection along with the willingness to work toward a win-win outcome. This, by itself, can go a long way.
However, if you don’t have skillfulness with NVC tools, you’ll be challenged to create the results you want consistently.
So the consciousness, the tools, and practice with the skills are all very valuable toward getting the results NVC can give you!
And one essential part of the tools is… feelings and needs vocabulary!
There is a difference between having a tool and being skillful with a tool.
As you become increasingly skilled with feelings and needs vocabulary, you are able to identify the underlying feelings and needs faster and faster.
Practical steps for identifying the needs underneath worry
Identifying the needs beneath worry will help you transform worry into understanding and self-compassion — which are themselves foundational pre-cursors to constructive action.
Here are some concrete steps to guide you in the process:
1. Pause and Name the Worry
Begin by simply noticing when you’re feeling worried and practice acknowledging it without judgment. This might look like saying to yourself, “I’m noticing a sense of worry about [specific situation].”
Naming the worry gives you a moment to step back and observe it without getting swept up in it or being so embedded in it.
2. Identify the Specific Trigger
Reflect on what specifically is stimulating the worry. Ask yourself, “What am I imagining might happen?” or “What am I concerned about here?”
Often, worry will have a mental “trigger,” such as an upcoming event, a responsibility, or a potential outcome you fear or desire. Identifying the object of your worry — this trigger — can help make the worry more concrete and therefore manageable.
3. Explore the Thoughts Behind the Worry
Worry is often accompanied by repetitive thoughts.
Mentally acknowledge some of the specific thoughts that are arising. Writing them down can be especially helpful, as the process slows down the mind — and you can work with this list of thoughts more intentionally over time
Notice what thoughts go along with what you are worrying about. “What if I don’t succeed?” or “I need to be prepared for anything!” or “I’m not showing up as a parent the way I want.”
These thoughts can act as gateways to your needs, because the thought itself provides you clues, and often even reflects the opposite of the need. For example, the thought “I may not be safe” reflects a deeper need for safety, and, “what if I don’t have anyone to care for me” reflects needs for care and support.
Again, identify the thoughts so they can help you see what’s at the heart of your concern.
As you explore your thoughts, remember to check for “shoulds” or “have-tos” — which could also help reveal underlying needs.
Sometimes worry is driven by should-thinking that is self- imposed, or internalized from other people or the culture. In these moments we are momentarily disconnected from the actual needs underlying the worry.
For example,“I should be more productive”, “I should be a better mother”, or “I should respond to every letter, email, and phone call I’ve received in the last decade.”
In these moments, it will be useful to first identify that there is a “should.” And every should is actually a story.
You can then inquire within regarding the needs. You may find that, though there are real needs there, there also may be an expectation you’ve set for yourself that does not truly contribute to your needs.
Doing this will help you distinguish between the deeper needs and a more surface-level narrative that creates pressures that may not be serving you.
These should-based narratives likely reflect their own sets of needs.
What creates tension is pressure you put on yourself regarding specific strategies. If you can connect with the needs beneath the shoulds, you may be able to find other strategies (or let them go altogether) — allowing you to release unnecessary worry.
4. Tune In to Your Physical Sensations
Worry as a feeling will often have co-related sensations that show up in the body. (This is actually true with most if not all feelings.)
Take a few moments to notice the physical sensations that arise alongside the sense of worry. Perhaps you feel tension in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or tightness in your shoulders.
See if you can notice your physical sensations objectively, without judging them, pushing them away, avoiding, or blocking them.
Physical sensations are closely related to feelings, and can provide a pathway to connecting with the underlying needs. In some people, tightness in the chest might reflect a need for security or reassurance, while a tense stomach could hint at a need for preparation or support.
It will not be the same for everybody. The trick is to breathe, go slowly, and follow the sensations in your body. See what these sensations might reveal for you.
Ask Yourself: What needs are alive right now?
You may find it useful to ask some self-inquiry questions like, “What need might I be trying to meet through this worry?” or “What would help me feel more at ease in this situation?”
When I notice myself worrying, some of the common needs that show up have included safety, security, stability, clarity, reassurance, or connection.
By asking yourself questions like the ones above, you are likely to identify one or more specific needs driving the worry.
You might find it useful to consult the feelings and needs handout provided above — or a deck of feelings and needs cards, such as those created by my colleagues at Grok — to see if any particular needs “spark” for you during your self-inquiry.
5. Practice Acceptance and Compassion Toward Your Needs
Once you’ve identified one or more needs, do your best to be gentle with yourself. For example, you might acknowledge, “I notice I’m needing reassurance right now, and that’s okay,” or “It makes sense that I’d want more stability given everything going on.”
This level of self-acceptance and self-compassion allows you to hold space for your needs without judgment, which can soften the grip of worry and shift you toward solution-focused thinking.
6. Consider Action Steps or Support
Once you are connected to your needs, you can consider what requests you may have of yourself or others, which may lead to actions you can take to fulfill your needs.
For example, the need may be empathy — to feel heard and understood — in which case you might find a listening ear in your network. If you don’t have someone you know who is available to listen with empathy, you might do a search online. (I’ve been hearing for years about online services people in the NVC network have set up to provide empathic listening.)
If the need is reassurance, you might talk to a friend or mentor. If it’s clarity, perhaps you set aside time to walk in nature, gather more information, or do some planning (or all of the above).
Sometimes I have found myself in a crisis of imagination — a phrase I first heard from my colleague Miki Kashtan. In these moments there is no solution I can think of — and I then turn to people close to me, asking if they will help me brainstorm strategies that might contribute to my needs.
And sometimes all that is left is for me to mourn and grieve the reality that I have needs that are not, and may not, be met. More on this below.
When I don’t allow myself to mourn I am weighed down by the unprocessed grief.
Allowing myself to do my grief work clears out space inside me for future clarity and potential next steps — and I usually feel a little lighter!
Having a source of support or a tangible next step is great —but sometimes just identifying the need can reduce the intensity of worry.
The above steps are intended to support you in transforming worry from a repetitive thought-and-feeling cycle into an opportunity for self-awareness and growth.
Hopefully this can also support you in fostering a habit of looking beneath the surface of emotions to connect with and meet your needs constructively.
I earlier included a link to a handout that has feelings and needs. To support you in your interior clarity, and building your feelings and needs vocabulary, here is that link again, intended as a resource for you.
Mourning Unmet Needs: A Path to Acceptance and Growth
The Role of Mourning in NVC
As I mentioned above, sometimes all that is left for me to do is mourn and grieve the truth: I have needs that are currently not, and in the future may not, be met.
When I don’t allow myself to mourn I am weighed down by the unprocessed grief.
And as we know, hurt people hurt people. When I have a back- log of unprocessed grief, I tend to be more irritable, and I am more likely to either isolate myself or lash out.
Allowing myself to do my grief work clears out space inside for future clarity and potential next steps — and I usually feel lighter!
Allowing space to feel the sadness of unmet needs
When our needs are not met, the feelings that go along with that are uncomfortable.
Many of us are in a habit of avoiding uncomfortable feelings by distracting ourselves or by turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms.
For most of us, it takes practice to learn to be comfortable with discomfort!
NVC gives you tools for doing what we call Life-Connected Mourning, which I describe below.
How Mourning Eases Worry
Whether it’s a moment of worry, or whether worry has become a repetitive habit-pattern in your mind, learning to process and work through all the feelings associated with unmet needs will help you greatly.
After all, there is no guarantee in NVC that 100% of your needs will be met 100% of the time!
So what to do?
Life-connected mourning: Turning worry into a process of healing and self-understanding
In NVC we learn to practice life-connected mourning rather than perpetuating the thinking that keeps us in a loop of unmet needs.
To practice life-connected mourning:
1) Stay present with the feelings you are experiencing. Learn to stay in your body rather than only in your thoughts. Give yourself permission to fully have the experience you’re having. And,
2) Stay connected to the needs rather than the thinking about who’s wrong, or what might happen, or all the terrible what-ifs. Stay connected to the needs.
As you stay connected to the needs and let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling, you may notice a few things, including:
- The feelings are not static. Rather, they have a dynamic quality to them. They may shift a bit, or move to a different part of your body. They may crest like a wave before they subside. Stay present.
- Two things that were previously conflated may differentiate: the pain of the unmet need, on the one hand, and, the beauty of the need itself, on the other. Whatever the need underneath the worry, it is a beautiful need.
“Before I die, I want to cry all my tears and laugh all my laughter.” — Marshall Rosenberg
Building a Community of Support: Why We Need Connection
To become fluent in NVC you need three ingredients:
1) Interior clarity. This means knowing what you’re feeling, needing, and wanting. It also includes being aware of whether you have judgments, stories, or interpretations — and being able to get to the feelings and needs underneath those.
2) A community of support. We’ll explore this in more depth below. And,
3) Practice, practice, practice. There is an important difference between having a tool and being skillful with a tool. NVC gives you a great set of tools, but only through practice will you build the skills to be effective in most or all situations.
With regard to worry, let’s look at #2, a community of support.
Why a Community of Support Matters
Having a robust community of support matters for a number of reasons.
First of all, there is a dangerous myth in society — an extension of “the rugged individualist” — that says that you have to go it alone. This is exacerbated by the epidemic of loneliness and isolation. We counter this by surrounding ourselves with a trusted community of support.
Second, it’s difficult to progress in NVC if you go from your life- alienated home to your life-alienated work and back again, especially if that comprises most of your life. We need other people on the path for inspiration, companionship in our learning journey, and for the next reason, empathy.
Third, empathy is a universal human need. I talk more about empathy below. But simply put, it is healing to speak your mournings and celebrations to a receptive person, or into a community that gives you compassionate listening. The difference between having this and not having it is bigger than most people realize. If you’ve never had it, it’s nearly impossible to know what you’ve been missing.
The importance of relationships and trust in handling worry
If worry weighs you down, having a space to be heard, in which you trust that you will not be judged, contributes to lightening your load.
This trust means safety. And safety means knowing that you can be held even when you’re spinning out in your worry-filled thoughts.
In most cases only community can do this for you.
I have a strong community of support that is comprised of many individual empathy buddies. I know people who have a literal group with whom they meet, but it can look many different ways!
How to Create Your Community of Support
Because most of us grew up and live in a nuclear family setup, and because so many of us have become inured to the isolation, the challenge is there: how do we create this for ourselves?
Practical steps for building community and seeking support
Keep in mind that it doesn’t have to be a group per se! This could look like several one-on-one empathy buddies!
There is no step-by-step formula or recipe for building a community of support. But I can offer you pointers and guidelines.
Set the intention. Decide, in your mind and heart, that you need this and that it’s ok to take steps to create it for yourself. Set the intention to start one person at a time, and within three years’ time to have at least 10 people you can call on at a moment’s notice for empathic emotional support. (I describe empathy more fully in the next section.)
Find the others! It may take time to find like-minded, like- hearted people. It may feel risky. It may add to your worry to think you might be rejected. You can also remind yourself that almost everyone around you is in the same boat! Once you have set the intention, your “radar” will be more attuned to people who might be a good fit.
Start with people you know. Begin with the low-hanging fruit. Friends, acquaintances, perhaps co-workers, even family members — the people already in your circles are the easiest ones with whom to make initial contact.
Attend events where you might find aligned people. NVC workshops and trainings are a great place to start — but also consider events centered around other things you’re interested in. In this way, you might find people with whom you have shared interests beyond NVC, handling worry, getting empathy, and having a circle of support. Whether it’s a bikers club or a knitting group — this will also give you other things to talk about besides the times when either of you need support around worry or other difficult feelings.
Make the ask. It takes courage and feels risky. Just remind yourself that the worst thing that can happen is that they say no.
How to ask:
There is not a one-size-fits-all approach!
However, here are some ideas:
Start by reaching out for empathy. This is how I first established one of my strongest empathy-buddy connections — he reached out to me for empathy! This, in turn, gave me permission and opened the door for me to reach out to him. We’ve been empathy buddies — as well as friends in other ways — for 25 years!
“Hey, I’ve been learning some new communication skills, and learning how to handle worry as well as other tricky emotions. And I read this article where it talked about building a community of support.”
In many cases, the other person doesn’t know exactly how to do this.
In these cases I might say, “Hey friend, if you’re willing, could you just listen and be present for 5 to 10 minutes? At the end I might ask you to tell me back what you’re hearing is important to me. Would that work for you?”
The Power of Receiving Empathy: Allowing Yourself to Be Heard
Defining empathy — what empathy is
Empathy is a universal human need that is fulfilled when you experience that you are understood in a deep way.
Marshall Rosenberg sometimes described it as a respectful understanding or a compassionate understanding.
What empathy is not
Empathy does not mean to justify, legitimize, condone, or approve of any behavior or acts. The empathy is for the needs underlying any specific behaviors.
When I empathize with someone, I may still strongly disagree with their actions.
Empathy means that I can see the humanity in them — the need, or core motivation — that may have led them to do the thing they did.
From the handout I use in many of my trainings:
Empathy is not:
– Sympathy (“I feel your pain. I’ve been there.”)
– Suggestions (“Let me tell you what I think you should do…”) – Fixing or resolving things (“Daddy will buy you a new one!”) – Investigation (“When was the first time you felt this way?”)
– Diagnosing (“This is because you’re an [egomaniac, Aries, Enneagram 7, etc.]”)
– Honesty (“When I hear what you’re saying I feel upset…”)
– Agreement (“You’re right!”)
In a conversation with another, empathy simply allows them to experience that somebody else gets it.
Technically we do not give empathy
There is nothing wrong with talking about giving or receiving
empathy.
However, technically speaking, I don’t give empathy.
Rather, I gave the other person my full presence — with my whole being — and as a result, their need for empathy is met.
What the Process of Empathy Looks Like in NVC
Most of the time, what we call “giving empathy” happens in silence. The person listening is present, not merely intellectually, but with their whole being.
An example of this distinction, in my life, has happened when I listen to my partner, and she says something like, “I trust that you understand what I’m saying, but I want you to feel me.” In other words, she wants me to understand emotionally what she is going through — not just with my head.
Benefits of Empathy in Times of Worry — How empathy from others can ease worry
Empathy from others can act as a pressure release valve.
Worry, or other feelings, can build up in your system and being heard with full presence leads to an easing of the intensity.
How being heard allows you to see our situation more clearly
When someone receives quality empathy, they leave the conversation:
- more connected to their feelings, needs, and potential requests, and
- with a lowered emotional charge.
When I mediate a conflict or work with a couple, for example, I will often have a one-on-one (1:1) session with each of them before having a session all of us together.
During the 1:1 session I build rapport and get more information, they each get empathy, we explore their needs and requests, and this leads to a much more efficient and productive joint session than if we entered it cold without that preliminary 1:1 work.
Self-Honesty: Encouraging Yourself to Stay Positive
In NVC we talk about empathy and honesty, and we also talk about self-empathy.
One rarely discussed topic is self-honesty.
Self-honesty is essentially self-talk — how you communicate with yourself.
That self-talk could be judgmental, shaming, and undermining of your self-esteem. There are ways to communicate with yourself that can perpetuate debilitating mindsets. And that self-talk could keep you in a cycle of worry!
And there is an entirely different kind of self-talk which is aligned with NVC — self-connected at the level of feelings and needs, empowered, and compassionate toward yourself.
Can you be gentle with yourself? Can you be kind to yourself?
Many of us have a harsh inner critic.
In NVC we’re not trying to get rid of these negative voices. Instead, we listen for the needs underneath what the inner critic is telling us. This is how you teach your inner critic to become a positive voice of self-feedback: communicate the feelings and needs, with compassion and care. It doesn’t mean there will never be frustration, disappointment, or self-doubt.
You can harvest the lessons that are there for you when you shift the shame, guilt, and self-recrimination into a more constructive form of self-talk.
Self-Honesty as a Practice of Encouragement
What about our inner-coach or encourager?
Sometimes my self-talk — my self-honesty —encourages me to move forward, to be courageous, to not give in to my fears.
NVC helps you cultivate self-talk that’s honest yet supportive.
The combination of self-empathy with positive self-talk can be transformative to your life!
Staying Positive While Acknowledging Your Needs
Sometimes life sucks! It can go from really hard to excruciating!
A community of support is invaluable!
But what good is a community of support if you are perpetually not there for yourself?
Balancing worry with compassionate self-encouragement
NVC has taught me to listen for the needs underlying uncomfortable feelings.
This is a form of self-care that I find grounding!
And many of us also have patterns developed over the years: procrastination, avoidance, aversion — an inability to go to the edge of my comfort zone and lean.
The importance of distress tolerance
Distress tolerance is a very important concept in psychology — and we see it in real life all the time.
I met two psychology researchers at an NVC intensive training who told me that at the root of all mental illness is low distress tolerance. I never fact-checked it, but it intuitively makes sense to me. These two researchers were impressed by what they witnessed at this intensive: everything about practicing NVC helped people increase their distress tolerance.
My personal perspective is that we are either growing or shrinking — moment by moment, day after day, year after year.
Courage is not the lack of fear. It is called courage precisely because there is fear!
You can use your compassionate self-talk to face your fears — to continuously grow and learn.
NVC is not about feeling good!
NVC is about creating a high quality of connection — within yourself and with others — so that more people can have their needs met more of the time.
When our needs are not met — or when we worry that they won’t be — we can meet that with honest and compassionate self- connection! Then we strategize, but only after we’re clear about what we’re needing and wanting.
Conclusion: Embracing Worry with Compassion and Connection
NVC helps you transform worry when you notice what is happening inside — and then you work with it skillfully.
By noticing what you’re telling yourself and then connecting with the deeper needs, you naturally find more fulfilling ways to engage with life.
Marshall Rosenberg on NVC and Worry
Marshall Rosenberg taught us another dimension to emotional intelligence: connecting feelings to needs, and needs to requests.
He did not shy away from any of the topics people feel awkward talking about, including sex, money, drugs, religion, politics, or death.
He shared about his own fears, anxiety, and worry.
One thing I loved about spending time with and learning from Marshall Rosenberg was that he never set himself up to be some kind of great guru.
He was human, and he was flawed, and he was more vulnerable and transparent about it than anyone I had met.
And this made him one of the more remarkable humans I had ever encountered — and a great teacher.
On my own path I am learning about the great power of vulnerability, and Dr. Marshall Rosenberg was one of my first role models in that.
More than once I heard him say, “Be willing to have the other people in the room look at you like you were the one who put the turd in the punch bowl!”
In other words: be willing to risk your needs for acceptance, belonging, and approval in order to be true to yourself — to speak the truth.
This level of courage, I have found, is like a muscle — it gets stronger as you engage it over time.
I would probably worry a lot less if I were able to source acceptance, approval, and belonging from within, consistently over time.
In my nearly 30 years of studying NVC, and more than 20 years as a Certified Trainer, I have been amazed at how the learning about and deepening in NVC doesn’t stop — it just continues. May it be the same for you.
PuddleDancer Press Books on NVC and Inner Well-Being
PuddleDancer Press is the foremost proponent and publisher of books on Nonviolent Communication, mental health, and well- being.
NVC has shown time and time again that human beings are capable of self-connecting and transforming old disempowering habits into empowering insights and actions.
NVC reliably gives you healthier outcomes that reduce guilt, shame, and depression and boost self-esteem and positive self- regard.
Our books on inner well-being can help you:
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- Know when and how to ask for that same understanding for yourself,
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- Create mutual understanding without coercion.
Whether you are a long-time student — or are brand new to NVC — PuddleDancer Press has the educational resources, including the books on inner well-being, to help you grow your emotional intelligence, interpersonal skills, and communication prowess.
Check out our catalog of books on well-being… and give yourself the gift of Compassionate Communication!
